Willy and Me

I got me one of those everlasting gobstoppers, and I have to say, I am sorely disappointed. For one, it lasted maybe 10-15 minutes - hardly "everlasting". 10-15 minutes is only forever is you're 5 years old. And another thing - it didn't stop my gob. At no point did I feel any appreciable decrease in gob activity during or after the consumption of this so called gobstopper. Now, I have used the GobArrest line of products before, and the GobArrest60 fully stops my gob for almost 3 full months. Now I realize GobArrest is by prescription only (I know a guy who knows a guy), but surely the wonka people could come up with an OTC strength gob cessation aid. I thought at first this had to be false advertising, but perhaps they meant that rather than the candy lasting forever, that it stopped gobs forever? Well, no, since it doesn't even slow gobs down. So what is it, then? I thought maybe they were using metaphor, like the northern Minnesota phrase "you sure stopped my gob!" but then I thought - wonka is a subsidiary of nestle, which is based in Switzerland, and since most of northern Minnesota is of Norwegian decent, and since "gob" means something totally different in Swiss and Norwegian... It's just false advertising. It's that damn willy's fault anyway. I was on a tour of his factory once, and got my head stuck in the door of the great glass elevator (yeah, I was that kid), and they had to shut down the tours because the thing was found to be a hazard. See, those oompa-loompas are great singers, and they can make a mean chocolate bar, but they can't turn a wrench for crap. Willy contracted out all the work for the factory and got the oompas to take care of things, but he never realized that the entire race is mechanically inept. Anyway, my point is that they should put a warning label on those things, because now I've got this hyperactive gob, and a powerful sweet tooth, and if I had known - I would bought more than just the one.