Attention Volkswagen:

This is a phaeton.
This This This and This are also phaetons.

This is car named "Phaeton"
These are not phaetons.
Neither is This This This or This

I'm sorry that you misunderstood the meaning of the word 'phaeton'. That car you produce... you can call it a phaeton - you can call it a Highboy for all I care. I would just like to point out that the car you call a phaeton is not, in fact, a phaeton. It's a sedan. Much like This is not a Karman Ghia and This is not a New Beetle.

While we're on the subject, What the fuck is Touareg supposed to mean?

The <COLOR> Album

White
Green
Brown
Orange
Pink
Blue
Black
Also Black
Off-White
Red
Grey
Yellow

ho-lee crap!

How about that - almost exactly a year between posts! Keen.

(yawn)

So, I was offline for a long time. And it sucked real real real bad. I mean like real bad. Like it sucked more than a prostitute at a vacuum cleaner store in a black hole. But I lived. I'm now back, and I intend to make a couple changes. Like for example: I ain't linking to the mp3 of songs that get stuck in my head anymore. When I was hosted on a friend's box, that was cool. Aloof hosting (my current host) doesn't allow them, so feh. Right now I'm actually kind of tired and don't feel like doing it, but at some point soon I'll flood this thing with the various stuff I wrote down during "The Dark Ages".

word of the moment: resurrection For obvious reasons. Just look at the date on the last post, for chrissake.

The news of my death has been pretty much spot on.

I am posting from the great state of Illinois. whee. I live in Spauldo's basement, which is cool. Not really a whole lot to say, really, except that I think you should go check out Homestar Runner Strong Bad is cool.



Current Music: "House of the rising sun", only it's the live version by oysterhead. Oysterhead being les from primus and the guy from phish.

Stuck in my head: "Jacking for beats" by Ice Cube, of all things... I remember liking the video, tho.

RANDOM LINK TIME!!!! WHEEEE!!!!

Yeah, so here's some links to stuff I've been looking at lately. Enjoy.

Video Rocketry Some very cool footage from video camera (one of those x-10 wireless jobbers) mounted in the body of a model rocket. Badass.
Mindless Self Indulgence An incredibly freaky band. A mixture of punk, hip-hop, techno, and anything else they can fit inside a 2 minute frenzy of a song full of violent time-shifts and vocals rapidly switching from growls to falsetto to rapping.
Artsy computer photography. Like, pictures of old computers and the people operating them. neat stuff.
Penny Arcade I'm surprised I didn't start reading this before now. An online comic about gaming. Also, it's hilarious.

current music: "Scalped" by dick dale. Yes, the guy who plays that surfer music, and whos "misirlou" is the main theme of 'pulp fiction' I sorta randomly found "Misirlou" while looking for other stuff, and I ended up grabbing abunch of his stuff.

stuck in my head: So, here's a thing: My internal jukebox went deep for this one, so deep that I can't find the song. It's "whatupwitu" by Eddie Murphy. Yes, he sings. Remember "Party all the time"? Eddie. Well, "whatsupwitu" has michael jackson in it, and it was made into a video, but it sucks so bad that nobody bothered to like, keep it around. I've only heard it like twice (Hell, Eddie's probably heard it less than a dozen times, and he sang the fucker.) But it's in my head, nonetheless. And it's been there for like 4 days, on and off, while I've been looking for it.

HOT NEW FEATURE! NOW WITH PECANS!


yeah, so nevermind the title. I decided to add yet another new nifty thingy to my weblog posts: Stuck In My Head. I'll have the current music I'm listening to, and if some random song gets stuck in my head, I'll go download it and link to it here. Teeheehee. Yes, I am fully aware that this violates copyright laws, but I don't actually care. I looked around, I did, honestly, for my "caring about those worthless idiotic artist-denying record-company-fatcat-empowering cashcow copyright laws" gland, but it seems it's all withered up and dried out. Now, I'm not one of those people who has vowed to never ever buy another game or movie or cd again as some kind of protest - I've spent over a hundred bucks on stuff like that in the last couple weeks. but if I want the theme from 'I dream of Jeannie' I'm by god not going to go out and buy some tv themes cd. In any case, here ya go- I've already done it, but now it's official and stuff:

current music: bile's cover of 'My Generation', which is highly recommended by like, me, and I'm the authority on me, so go get it.

Stuck In My Head: It's The theme from 'I dream of Jeannie', and 'Sunglasses at Night' by Corey Hart. Yeah, my internal jukebox is a sick fuck.

Holy Crapamoli

In 2 days, this blogger will be 2 years old. Jeez, I feel old now.

OHMYGODTHEYUPDATEDTHEPAGEANDIWASLIKEWHEEEE!!!!

So, Threebrain added some new 'rock videos' to their list of weird shit. they are the freaks behind the whole WHEEEEE!!! video. well, now they have a video that apple nipple monkey has this one apple nipple monkey line in the apple nipple monkey chorus that apple nipple monkey kinda gets into your apple nipple monkey brain and makes you all apple nipple monkey freaked out. I'll leave you to discover what apple nipple monkey line in the apple nipple monkey chorus I'm apple nipple monkey talking about.
They also have their own take on the A-B-C thing, as in 'A is for AHHH!!!', which they present as a kid's video, because the other video has some apple nipple monkey cursewords in it. go lookee. And while you're there, spend the rest of your mortal life going thru the daily archives. I'll list a couple of my personal favorites here:
Ode to butter.
Stop it, kitty.
Valentine's day song, with hunger-induced psychosis.

Drugs are good, mmkay?

So Here's something. It's a page on the white house site that shows the different slang terms for drugs. Hilarious. Even funnier, The boys at Brunching shuttlecocks have made This page, which translatestext on a webpage to 'drug slang'. given the fairly large database, this makes for a lot of laughs.

On another note: Go here, enter your (over 21) age, go to the "taproom" area, click on "honey weiss", and you'll be face to face with my new best friend. Leinenkugel's Honey Weiss is the most amazing beer. light and refreshing without tasting like all the other crap american beers. and it is a bit sweet, but just a bit. I found this at a local liquor store, bought a bottle just because honey in beer sounded cool, and I'm gonna go buy me a 6 pack tomorrow morning. Of course, I still like stout, and This one is my favorite so far. Uh.. I don't have anything else to say, so like, bye.

Twinkies!

Ok, so I've only just now decided to revive this blogger. Yeah, I have That Other Weblog Thing, but that has a more formal feel. I only post there if I really have something to say, or if I put up a new gallery or the like. This blogger was always for whatever was on my mind. Stupid random links, any random thought or idea I had, anything about monkeys... so I figure, if you want to see my creative-writing-class self, or my art and photography galleries, go to Spauldonet. If you want to know what color my last shit was, or what I'm gonna do with all these ostriches, read this. On that note - it's RANDOM LINK TIME!!!!!! YAY!!!!!

Errorwear Embrace your computer problems.They have t-shirts with various computer and web errors on them. They have THREE blue screen of death shirts. 3. not just the old skool win9x blue screen of cdr101 - but the nt debug screen (the *real* bsod - the one you only see when your shit ain't coming back.) and the win2000 "friendly" bsod. the one that says "all your base are belong to us. sorry, man.". I want a shirt with "the current drive is no longer valid" on it...

Dan's Data I have become a daily reader of this site. This is a guy in Australia who reviews computer hardware, mostly, but he also has a few other hobbies, like remote controlled tanks and sparkler bombs... His writing style is hilarious, and he likes taking things apart to see what's in 'em. I used to do that, but my mom stopped letting me have pets.

peep Delta Airlines, beeyatch. It's an airline commercial, in ebonics, with the ebonics done by a white ad-guy. funny shit. It's in flash, so if you can't view flash.... well, if you honestly can't view flash, it's time to give up the ship. the internet holds no promise for you. Go read a book.

Well, that about clears it up. By the by, my last one was a rich chocolate brown, and kinda spongey. You know, those ones that are all sticky and take forever to clean up? Well, this was one of those.

If I spell it "tyre", does that make me british?

uh, here are some links, cuz I feel like posting and can't think of anything to post that doesn't somehow involve giant killer robot monkeys.
Visual Elements The periodic table of elements represented as images. neato.
MattTracks Wanna spend 15 grand replacing the tires on your truck with tracks, like they have on tanks? go here. Neat stuff abounds.
Sixties Stuff Now, I wasn't born until the 70's, but I had a lot of this stuff when i was a kid. that damned videosphere goes for 700 bucks, and I had one! damnit!

The following post will be in canadian as well as english.
The following post will be in canuck as well as english - eh?

sorry about the lack of posts. I just noticed that it's been about a month since I last posted.
soory aboot the lack of posts, eh? I just noticed that it's been aboot a month since I last posted, there - eh?
The End Of The Internet. At least somebody put up a warning - I might have fallen off the edge.
The End Of The Internet there, buddy Eh? I missed what happened - I stepped in some moose dookie.
File Not Found. It takes a while for the story to unfold, but it's well worth the wait. Hands down THE best 404 error I've ever seen.
Soory, I couldn't find it. I think that-uh, somebody stole my webpage there, eh?

So, there are a couple of links for you. oh, and about the canadian translation - I just thought I might help a few people out. learning by association works pretty well - I learned Moron that way.
Soo, there are a couple a links for you there, eh? oh, and aboot the canadian translation - eh? hey! we speak the same language there, bucko - eh?

The Cynic's Sanctuary Oh, sweet cynicism.

Quick question:
would you rather be addicted to heroin or crack? I mean, if you aren't already addicted to one of them (since that would bias you), and if you for some reason absolutely had to be addicted to one of them, which one would it be? I think I'd go for crack. Why crack? Well, for one thing, you get the neato pipe instead of that boring old syringe and rubber tubing - and crack is easy to transport. You can even send Virtual Crack to yourself thru email. Well, you're supposed to send it to other people, but why do that when you can be your own pusher?

Hey, did you ever wake up in the middle of the night, screaming "OH MY GOD! IS ABE VIGODA STILL ALIVE???!?!?!?!"? well, if you do, you seriously need some medicinal assistance, and maybe a long vacation to the nutbar inn - HOWEVER, while you wait on those nice young men in their clean white coats, you can go HERE to check up on ol' Abe.

Hey, just what I've always wanted! Coffins! I think if I was going to spend 500 bucks on a coffee table, I'd get one of those coffins and put some flowers on it, then like go find a dead cat or something to put in it, and then I could scare everybody off when I wanted to open it. I think I'd have to throw some fresh earth around it to make it more convincing.

Ok, I like loud music as much as the next headbanging metal fiend, but at some point it just becomes silly. beyond the obvious hilarity of this thing, you have to think for a second "wait, there are several thousand dollars woth of speakers back there - and they all point towards each other when the doors are shut." I'm sure that sounds wonderful once you get all those big speakers in ther together with no place for the sound to go. It must sound just like wrapping your headphones in a towel and throwing them into a pool.... You should also check out this travesty and keep saying to yourself "they did this on purpose, and they aren't in a circus or a parade or anything..." Like a minivan needed any help being ugly.

Primus, they don't sound like anybody.
There are so few bands that you can say that about. how many bands sound like some other band? most of them. Not Primus, though. Primus sounds like.... Primus. That makes it tough to describe them to somebody who hasn't heard them. it's like trying to describe blue to somebody who has been blind from birth. Primus is quirky, funny, rock, alternative, almost bluegrass sometimes.... they like fishing and Tom Waits, lots of their songs tell a story, usually of one odd person. And Les Claypool can play the hell out of that bass. I've never heard anybody that can do some of the stuff that Les can do for 8 minutes while singing the (also challenging) lyrics to "tommy the cat" live.Were I forced to make a list of my 5 favorite bands, Primus would be right up there at or near the top.
Ok, so, more links now.
SmellyPoop Now if you really don;t like somebody, you can send fresh feces to them via this wonderful little site. I'd go for the camel poo, myself, that stuff has got to be nasty.
Not the best idea we as a people have had. Seems that people down under are shoving their poop in each other's poop chutes in order to fix poop-related ailments. Myself, I'd rather just deal with irritable bowels. I could just get them to switch to decaf or something.
Rotten Just plain wrong. be sure to browse the "fuck of the month".
Boy, I really hope my family never gets a look at my bookmarks... They would be absoultely horrified.
Why does adding the word "monkey" to something make it funnier? I mean, "ass" isn't really a funny word, but "assmonkey" is giggle-inducing. I also like "monkeyfucker". "stumpfucker", while not containing "monkey", is quite funny. At least that's what I think. But then again, I'm a big ol' freak with the bookmark folder from hell.

A dissertation on cheese:

Cheese. Cheese is always shown in commercials streaming out of every gooey orifice of the hamburger/taco/pizza in an attempt to make you want the product more. If you were to eat this product, with its vast rivers of cheese all oozing and stretchy, you would most certainly burn the piss out of your mouth. So why the need to use a potentially hazardous product to sell food? Easy, gooey cheese=tasty food. The ad people figured out this equation some time ago. They know that even though cheese at 700 degrees farenheit is not something anyone wants in their mouths, cheese at 700 degrees farenheit LOOKS very appetizing, and makes the host food look better by proxy - flavor by association. I propose we as a society start to like cold cheese. I enjoy seeing a taco with the cheese just starting to melt, and, having delivered pizza for a while, I know that molten cheese is not only dangerous - it makes the food less attractive by allowing the other ingredients to slide around in seas of cheese. so, rather than sailing the seas of cheese (primus references notwithstanding), rather let us salivate to *slightly* gooey cheese, or cold cheese.

I'm so bright, my daddy called me "sun".
my future's so bright, I gotta wear shades.
I wear my sunglasses at night - so I can see.
I am not a random link.
Neither am I.
I am kinda random, but not TOO random or anything, just kinda confused.
I'm not really random, but I am totally wacked out.
You're so vain, I'll bet you think this link is about you.

I will now post a link. BEWARE! PELIGRO! YUCKY AND MOST LIKELY HIGHLY OFFENSIVE THINGS AHEAD!
before I post this, I must inform you that, although I thought it was the funniest damned thing I've ever seen, most people (even highly jaded, usually non-offensible people) WILL BE OFFENDED and will grow to hate me because I posted this purile, sick, sex-and-religion-don't-mix link. so consider yourself warned. Actually, don't consider yourself warned, so you can get the full-on shock this site will offer you. Also, if you are a sick pervert of historic proportions (like you think Caligula was a prude and the Marquis De Sade was boring in bed), you might wanna buy something from here. I'm just providing a public service here, if you don't want to see bad things - BAD THINGS SHAPED LIKE RELIGIOUS FIGURES AND INTENDED TO AID FEMALE MASTURBATION - you shoudln't click here, and you should go to confession just for reading this far. Now, if you are like me, you will laugh your ass off and spend the next couple weeks freaking out all your friends with this. But you probably aren't like me (thank your lucky stars), and you will go EWWWWWWW!!!! and quickly call your mom to tell her how much you love her. Anyway, here goes. and don't send me hatemail or dead animals. well, you can't really send dead animals thru email, and a picture would just go into my folder full of pictures just like it.

REALLY OFFENSIVE LINK - DON'T EVER CLICK HERE FOR ANY REASON, EVEN IF YOUR MOM TELLS YOU TO
THIS LINK IS BAD, DON'T CLICK IT.
DON'T SAY I DIDN'T TRY TO WARN YOU. THIS IS BAD - WAY BAD. CHER-AND-KENNY G-DOING-THE THONG SONG-ON-A-CHRISTMAS-ALBUM-BAD
Btw, be sure to check out my favorite one - the baby Jesus buttplug.
And, to balance it out, here is some nice stuff.
SHINY HAPPY LINK. GOOD LINK.
GOOD LINK. STICKY IN A GOOD WAY. I love that site. I've always wanted a glue information portal. and I never knew how to glue ceramic to leather before this.

(cowboy twilight) HI BOYS AND GRRLS! (boys and girls in unison, except for llama boy, but nobody minds him) HI COWBOY TWILIGHT!!!! (cowboy twilight) DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS!?!?!?!?!?! (children in unison, except for llama boy) IT'S RANDOM LINK TIME!!!!!!!! (announcer, speaking very quickly) randomlinktimeiscopyrighted1952byeclipsestudiossomerestrictionsapplyallrightsrexervedexceptforllamaboyoffernotvalidinpanamacubaortexasbecausetexassucks (cowboy twilight) THAT'S RIGHT! SO HERE WE GO!!!

Best Toilets Somebody actually maintains this list of all the best public restrooms in various cities. And I thought I was weird.
Tetrachromats There is at least one woman in the world who can see more colors than everybody else because she has 4 sets of cones in her eyes instead of the usual three.
International Space Station Visibility Data Now you can get up real early, look at a twinkle in the sky for 2 minutes, and go "Gee".
THE CLAW Not quite a joystick, but not a keyboard either. Probably the most innovative game controller since the joystick. Or maybe the Power Glove.
Being Seen Technologies Makers of electroluminescent strips, which are like neon, but better. And cheaper. And really flexible. I gotta get me some of that.
Interlink Electronics They make these badass mice from stainless steel that you can beat on with a hammer. (I can do that to my mouse, bit I'd have to buy another one afterwards).
Pricewatch Ok, Ok, so I'm a nerd. But I like this place. It's the quickest way to get the lowest price on computer hardware on the web.
Happy Pipes I don't actually have a use for this, but they do have some really cool handblown glass bongs and stuff. I just wanna spread the love is all.

Jeez. It's been nearly a month since I last posted to this thing. I'd love to tell you that I had a family member die, or I decided to go to truck driving school, or I found the love of my life - only to find out she was inflatable, but I can't. I didn't post because I am a lazy son of a bitch - simple as that. I've been playing a lot of the sims (I did kill off a few family members in the sims, but only to make tombstones). I almost bought Jupiter, but the guy got arrested for stealing a goat before I could sign the papers. Of course, you would think that I would have lots to say after being gone for almost a month - and you'd be thinking wrong. The problem is that I post when the thought strikes me, and I post what's on my mind right then, so it doesn't really build up. I do, however, collect odd links. Here are some for your browsing pleasure:
Screw Radio Shack! Use tortillas to make your circuits.
NerdPerfect Like Slashdot, only different.
You can't just fuck the fish - You gots to make looooooove to the fish. (Ok, I know dolphins aren't fish, but I don't care - it's sounds better this way.)
By the way, that last link mentions that male dolphins have a 10-14" long prehensile penis, meaning they can pick stuff up with it. And when they orgasm, They can shoot love gravy 14 feet. Lucky bastards.