I hate asston kutcher.

I hate ashton kutcher. I've never really liked him, and I'm not sure why. He irritates me, I guess. Then he did that stupid punk'd show, which I never watched, but still hate. Now he's doing Nikon commercials, acting like some kind of super photography buff. Fuck him. He's not a buff, he's a guy with a contract. I'm a Canon user, so I sorta have anti-nikonian feelings anyway, but seeing that douchnozzle chimping a $1000 camera at a wedding like he was hired by the couple pisses me off. Sorry, I just hate him. Plus he stole Demi Moore from Bruce Willis. That was Bruce Willis's Demi Moore! They were supposed to be together doing goofy movies forever! And you fucked that up, asston - you fucked it all up.

Odd.

So, I've always said we're adventure-prone. Not accident-prone, adventure-prone. We go on a trip and wind up doing all kinds of weird and neat stuff we never set out to do. Like this time. We had stayed out of town, and Rebecca was feeling ill and not up for the ride home, and I was really tired, so we wound up staying at a hotel in Tulsa so we could get some sleep. So the stay was just a hotel, until the morning. I'm downstairs gathering some breakfast items for the family, alone, and this enormous gentleman with an impressive afro sauntered in wearing a not-at-all conspicuous red track suit and carrying a duffel bag with a red white and blue basketball in it. I was making a bagel, and a motherfucking Harlem Globetrotter had just walked in for some yogurt. A Harlem Globetrotter. in Tulsa. Oklahoma. At a Holiday Inn Express of all places. Wildkat Edgerson was making a yogurt cup look really tiny while I was slicing a bagel.
His hair is taller than I am.
I went upstairs and told everybody of the weirdness, and life resumed as normal.
The we were checking out, I was packing our stuff into the trunk, and who should step out of a comically small SUV, but Wildkat Edgerson Globetrotter, of the Harlem Globetrotters. I said "Hello, again." and he went inside where he saw the twins and geeked at them.
A famous person has gone all googly-eyed over our babies.
So he gave us some autographs and stuff and went inside. Then we leave and we're at the gas station, and Joshua is talking about the room keys I gave him to the lady stocking the shelves. I mention he had met a Globetrotter not 30 minutes previous, and he was chatting about hotel room keys. The lady asked "which one?" and turned out to be eerily informed about the globetrotters.
I had apparently just met Wildkat's best friend or biggest fan or something.
The likelihood of meeting someone with that much information about the Harlem Globetrotters in Tulsa, on the same day that I had randomly run into one of them, is fucking bizarre.
Like I said, adventure-prone.

Cross-blog plug!

Just a quick thing to say my other thing over at wordthing has a new thing. And things.

What I mean is I just updated with 4 new pics at my plog over at wordpress.

So yeah. Things.

Refeshing!

So I got a bottle of that gourmet water at the store.
It's squeezed from truffles by specially trained Sugar Gliders, and filtered thru an 18 foot tall hand-hammered copper cylinder full of rare Antiguan activated charcoal, which is replaced after every third gallon. The filtered water is then allowed to rest for 7 years in an open granite bowl near a pile of exotic minerals in a cedar-lined cellar, at which point it is placed on a rocket. The rocket takes the water into space where it is filtered via centrifuge - this time thru Chilean volcanic ash. Finally, it is bottled, while still in space. The water is placed in a double-walled bottle. The inside layer of the bottle is anodized aluminum, and the outer layer is carbon-fiber, and the space between is pressurized with neon. The cap is precision machined from a solid block of aluminum. The bottles are then placed in the branches of the world's oldest tree - a Bristlecone Pine named "Methuselah". After 6 months in the tree's branches, the bottles are delivered via courier to the store, where they sell for $14.99 per 8 oz. bottle.
I thought it tasted kinda musty.

LOLZ!

more animals

Juxtaposition!

Wow. I just realized that my last two posts were about replacing the word 'love' with the word 'fuck' in songs, and how much I loved the Veggietales show (called "God made you special") at a church. Man, I'm not very well adjusted.

And now, resurrecting an old feature..... IT'S RANDOM LINK TIME!!!!!!!1111!!!ONE!!!

failblog is essentially a picture blog chronicling the horrible failures of human stupidity. If you spell your sign wrong in a funny way, or if you design a product that accidentally looks like a penis, or if you do something else incredibly stupid and somebody takes a picture of it - it could wind up here.

I CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER? You already know what this is. Look at them until you overload on stupid/cute and never return.

veggietales!

So, becoming a parent changes things. It makes some fundamental changes in the way you think and act. Case in point: About 5-6 years ago, a friend of mine introduced me to Veggietales. Mostly he fast forwarded to the silly songs and we all laughed, and a good time was had by all. Since then I have become a parent. We took the kids to Veggietales Live!, which is, in essence, a bunch of people in gigantic anthropomorphic vegetable costumes bouncing around the stage to prerecorded songs for an hour. Old Me would be horrified and maybe a bit disgusted by my behavior. At one point, I had Evan in a Snugli, and I was bouncing, and I realized he had been asleep for some time, and I was bouncing not for his benefit, but because I was having fun. Not just laughing at the funny kids stuff, but like actually truly enjoying myself. At Veggietales Live. Me. Less than 5 years ago I had skulls - like actual animal skulls I had actually gathered myself - hanging on my wall. Now I'm bouncing in my seat while Mr. Lunt sings about a cheeseburger. That is what becoming a parent does to you. Not that I'm complaining.

ALSO! They had this contest where you filled out a card and they drew names and I won the WHOLE ENTIRE VEGGIETALES CATALOG! It's like 35 DVDs and they're gonna mail it to me and I was WAAAAAAAY more excited than Joshua, the 8-year-old who is smack in the target audience for this stuff. The first time I've ever won anything worth more than a couple bucks and it's $500 worth of Veggietales DVDs.

My (fucking) theory.

I have this theory. Think of any song you can that contains the word "love". I know, it's hard to think of a song about love, I'll give you a minute...


Ok.
Now sing that song in your head, replacing all instances of the word "love" with the word "fuck".
I bet the song sounds funnier now.
Of course, sometimes it makes no sense ("hello, I fuck you", "fuck to fuck you baby") and some are just plain wrong ("Jesus fucks the little children") but for the most part, The song becomes completely hilarious. It's my version of the "in bed" thing for fortune cookies.

Newness

I just started a new photographic web log (shortened to photoblog, and then further shortened to the inevitable and stupid "plog".)

Here it is. Bookmark it - visit it - love it.

It's going to be a photo, and maybe a small caption or musing of some kind. I'll try to post every day.
Oh, and it's on wordpress instead of blogger, just to be silly.

*GASP!*

So here is the story of my sleep apnea.

I did my sleep study, the guy who monitored me said I'd need a CPAP for sure.
I went to a respiratory equipment provider and got my CPAP, and they said I had a really severe case of sleep apnea. one of them said it was the worst case she'd ever seen. I'm thinking - oh great, I'm gonna be famous for how little I breathe...
I take the thing home - it looks like a "scentstories", by the way - and the first night, I sleep like a baby. Scratch that. I have babies, I know how they sleep - for 3 hours and they wake up crying. I slept great. Probably the best sleep I've ever had. Although I apparently kept yanking the headgear off because I remember waking up 4 or 5 times to put it back on. The experience of wearing this thing is a bit odd. You know those air hoses at the gas station? Imagine if those had a soft rubber tip, and you stuck it in your nose, and were expected to sleep. You get used to it, though.
So, there is this thing called the apnea/hypopnea index. It's how many times per hour you have an apnea or hypopnea event. An apnea is when you stop breathing altogether for at least 10 seconds, and hypopnea is when your airway is partially obstructed, causing your airflow to drop by at least half. At 5 you are considered to have sleep apnea. at 15 most insurance covers getting a CPAP. at 50 it's considered severe. I scored 129. in 3 hours of sleep, I had over 400 hypopnea events, and I forget how many apnea events. I was neurologically aroused by those events over 200 times in those 3 hours. Let me say that again:
I woke up over 200 times in 3 hours.
At one point my oxygen saturation dropped to 67%.
So the guy woke me up and strapped me into a CPAP, and I had like 14 hypopnea events in the next 3 hours, and my oxygen never got below 90%, and I woke up like 12 times, and 10 of those were in the first 20 minutes of sleep. Get this - My apnea/hypopnea index went down to 6. This means that even on a CPAP at apparently a really high pressure, I've still got minor sleep apnea.
A word on the air pressure: My machine goes from 12 to 20, as far as pressure. Apparently, the numbers mean how many centimeters of water that pressure will displace. Mine's set at 17. Well, now it's set at 12, and I have to take it in to get it set up a little at a time because starting that high would apparently suck for me.
So, every night for the foreseeable future I'm going to have to strap on this weird thing that looks like SCUBA gear, and sleep while it blows high-pressure air in my nose and down my throat. But it's worth it. Sleep is actually restful now. Think about this: I essentially got no rest at all when I slept. I was nearly always either gasping for air or not breathing at all. My oxygen levels were always low, my blood pressure was always elevated, I was at risk for stroke and all kinds of other nasty things. I could sleep for 16 hours and not feel at all rested. I woke up almost every day with a headache. I NEVER entered deep sleep. Now I sleep for 7 hours and feel refreshed and renewed. I no longer wake up and sit in a daze for 2 hours, feeling groggy and wishing I could have gotten more sleep. I actually could have died in my sleep!
I think it's worth it.

CFL SUCKS!

So I went and bought a 6-pack of "100 watt" CFL bulbs. They're actually 26 watts, which is why I got 'em. We're wanting to replace bulbs in some of the oft-used lamps in the house.
Guess what.
CFL SUCKS!
The base of the bulb is too big, and the bulb won't screw in to our torchierelamps. And I'm guessing they won't screw into most other lamps like that, either. So our options are thus:
We use incandescent bulbs, or we use a less bright cfl. Here's some other news about cfl bulbs:

They have all the negatives of fluorescent light, like the bad color rendition, flicker, warm-up time, poor response in cold weather, that sort of thing.
They don't fit in all kinds of fixtures. Not just the torchiere style - our ceiling fan in the living room doesn't have a globe because the CFL in it is too long.
They contain toxic levels of mercury. Yeah - they're also poisonous. You can't just throw them away when they burn out - they have to be disposed of in a facility designed to take care of things like that - and we don't have any of those facilities around here. And when they break, it's toxic cleanup time!
Speaking of burning out - they don't last nearly as long as they say. 3-5 years my ass. I've seen lifespans equating with incandescents, for the most part.

Just as an aside - we actually had to abandon this room for a while tonight - while I was working on this post - because I broke one of those little fuckers trying to put it in a lamp. Great.
CFL SUCKS!

The Sleeper Awakes. A Lot.

I had a sleep study last night. Basically, I went and slept in the hospital with a couple dozen wires glued to my head, and some guy watched me sleep. Halfway thru the night, he woke me up and strapped a CPAP mask to my face, so now I was expected to sleep with a couple dozen wires glued to my head and a tube blowing air into my nose. I slept like a baby. The tech who monitored me told me in the morning that I probably wake up 400-600 times a night. And here I thought I was hard to wake up. So I wound up having what is called a "split night" study, with a normal polysomnograph at the first half, and a CPAP Titration at the second half. I need a lot of pressure, apparently. I know I woke up at 5am and the mask was loose, and every time I breathed out it would fart in my eye - but when I tried to breathe thru my mouth it felt like I was choking. So a fun night. And now I'm gonna wind up wearing a big silly looking mask when I sleep.

There are things.

There are things people do in life that matter.
A man named Pablo is the reason why, when you say the word "Picasso", nobody goes "Which one?" He mattered. His name mattered. It had better. it was 2 miles long. Seriously.
Pablo Diego José Francisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno María de los Remedios Cipriano de la Santísima Trinidad Martyr Patricio Clito Ruiz Y Picasso.
Seriously.
That's a baby with indecisive parents.

There are things people do in life that don't matter.
Like this guy.

There are things people do in life that make total sense.
Martin Luther King Jr., for example. This is a man who knows what he's doing.

There are things people do in life which make no sense at all.
Like this.

What I'm trying to say is: I'm tired and can't come up with anything funny to post, so I cheated by linking to stuff.

Oh, and check out Mr. Picassohead.

Happy new post day!

So check out my new badass template. I searched the whole world over and found this one, written in spanish or some shit. I like the whole skull theme, so I may keep it a while. of course, this will mean nothing here in a couple months when I change it again, but whatever.

And yes, this qualifies as a new post.

Dear Every tech support place in the world:

If you are ALWAYS experiencing higher than normal call volume - isn't that higher volume your normal call volume? I understand that Sully the tech support guy has an active schedule, but At least just say "we're all busy" instead of "we're busier than we expected and also we're cheap and understaffed even though we're only paying those Pakistani suckers 18 cents an hour."

A clarification

Having sex with a corpse doesn't make you a necrophiliac - enjoying it does.

Happy leap day!

It's that time again! Leap day!
Yay!
uh. that's about it.
Happy lost day.

Maybe I'm broken.

I just found out that I've got Anisocoria. It's a condition where one of your pupils is larger than the other. By pupils I mean the ones in the eye, not the ones in a class. Just clearing that up. I also learned I have the Photic Sneeze Reflex. I always thought that if you had that feeling where you really really need to sneeze but can't - just look at a bright light, and you'd sneeze. A reflection on the road, headlights, the sun - whatever. it just sets me off and makes me sneeze. Apparently that's a genetic abnormality that like 25% of the population has.

So I'm a mutant.

And I reproduced.

I'M GONNA HAVE LITTLE MUTANT BABIES!!!!!!

Granted, they've got a small chance of inheriting my minor abnormalities that don't affect me in any way, but still.
I actually think the sneezing one is a boon. I mean, don't you really hate it when you have to sneeze but can't? So do I, only I can do something about it. Ha ha ha. Consider it my other superpower.