Grapples!

Apples and Gravy, together at last! Grapples are located in your grocer's meat section.

Must....play....the....sims.....

I just had a thought. Yup. All by myself. A whole thought. Oh.... you wanna hear it? Oh, ok.
So, I was thinking that if some evil overlord wanted to take over the U.S., he should just buy enough computers for everybody and install the sims on every one of them. Seriously, once that was done, we'd all be addicted and mr. evil overlord could just walk into the white house and declare himself king of the United States. What I find interesting is that the sims is incredibly addictive, but it is essentially a life simulator.
I mean, people are playing this game for hours and hours, pretending to interact with their families and friends, instead of ACTUALLY interacting with their families and friends. Do we suck that bad? Are we as a people just so boring and idiotic that we'd rather play with a virtual family instead of a real one? of course, when your real family pisses you off, you can't wall them into a bedroom until they die...... or can you? I've seen houses uploaded on various websites with the description "this is my house". People are simulating their homes in a simulation of their lives while they sit in their real homes missing their real lives. Am I the only one who sees the gargantuan steaming piles of irony here? And there is another problem - even worse than the sims: When I mentioned the evil overlord, I said "he", and I bet nobody noticed. if I'd have said "she", everybody would have been upset because I'm a sexist. and it doesn't even occur to you that there could be female evil overlords... hell, look at cruella de vil, or the wicked witch of the west. What I'm really trying to say is.... hey look - it's my sims cd.... so nice and shiny..... I could probably just play for a little while. yeah, that'd be alright. Just a while......

damn'em addendum

I forgot to mention the OTHER purple reptile that predates barney....
Dino. The lovable pet dinosaur from the Flintstones. I always wondered why Dino was the only dinosaur that couldn't talk.

Ce n'est pas un sujet

This is not a post. This is a figment of your imagination, speaking of figments, that makes two purple reptiles that predate Barney. Figment was a little purple dragon at disneyworld©, the happiest place on earth, no guns, smoking, alcohol, whoring, drug-taking, partying-down, cursing, spitting, happiness, or pets.

The Urinal Wars

I just had a neat thought. what if earth went to war with an alien race because they looked like urinals? you know, they show up, all diplomatic then, while the leader is meeting with the president - some tourist pisses on an elite guard.
"... that's right, Jim, and if you can see what is going on behind me - the aliens seem to be bombarding the planet with some type of small white disc. They have a clean, chemical smell to them, and they look like large asprins except- wait -something is happening..... PISS!!! THEY ARE URINATING ON EVERYTHING!!!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!"

Here in my car I feel safest of all

For the past month or so, I've had these visions of car wrecks with Gary Numan's "cars" playing in the background... weird, huh?

I tried to write a poem from the deep depths of my heart
but the only word I can think of that rhymes with heart is fart

I'm trying to come up with the ultimate country song...
I was thinking of something along the lines of:
"my wife ran off with my best friend, stole my truck, and backed over my dog on her way out of the driveway.
so now I'm sitting in this bar, drunk, spending my last 876 million dollars that I got from all you poor depressed suckers who bought my last album,
in which, my wife ran off with 7 different people, my dog, and a parking meter. and my best friend got ran over by a tractor being driven by his wife, who had caught him cheating with her sister.
now I'm so sad that it makes me want to repeat some cheesy broken-heart lyric over and over again until all of you buy this album. maybe the lyric will be -
I'm stuck out of love, drunk, with a dead dog and no truck"

Topics are good topics.

I think I've decided to start adding a topic to the top of each post. Makes it look a little more pro-am, instead of the am-am it was, which is just silly - seeing as how there really is no am-am web league. Oh hell, now I've gone and mentioned the web league. Now I'll have to kill you all.

and now a haiku:

poor little puppy
running so fast down the hall
give back my sandwich

Infectious wearables Not as bad as it sounds. they sell ties and boxers with pictures of disease on them. I'm pretty sure they aren't actually infectious, but you oughta wash them first just to make sure. The proceeds go towards finding cures, although I doubt the proceeds from the plague tie will go towards curing the plague. The HIV boxers might not be the best thing to have on when you take a date home.... "hey, what's that on your boxers?" "well.... HIV" "oh.... I think I oughta get going."

This Planet Earth NASA rocks. this site has a bunch of videos made from satellite imagery zooming into various cities. I saw the washington, d.c. one, and it zooms from space all the way to what I think is the white house, all seamlessly. Neat stuff.

QUOTE
"It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity. I bet this kind of thing does not happen to heroin addicts. I bet that when serious addicts go to purchase their heroin, they do not tolerate waiting in line while some dilettante in front of them orders a hazelnut smack-a-cino with cinnamon sprinkles." - Dave Barry
END QUOTE

So, I noticed a while back that Menudo (the eternal boy band) changed their name to mdo. I can only assume that someone finally told them what menudo is...
"So Menudo is getting ready to record another album, and-"
"uh, hey man - I need to tell you something about the name of the band...(whispering)"
"....uh huh.....yeah.....they make it out of tripe?!?!?!?!"

The following post will be in canadian as well as english.
The following post will be in canuck as well as english - eh?

sorry about the lack of posts. I just noticed that it's been about a month since I last posted.
soory aboot the lack of posts, eh? I just noticed that it's been aboot a month since I last posted, there - eh?
The End Of The Internet. At least somebody put up a warning - I might have fallen off the edge.
The End Of The Internet there, buddy Eh? I missed what happened - I stepped in some moose dookie.
File Not Found. It takes a while for the story to unfold, but it's well worth the wait. Hands down THE best 404 error I've ever seen.
Soory, I couldn't find it. I think that-uh, somebody stole my webpage there, eh?

So, there are a couple of links for you. oh, and about the canadian translation - I just thought I might help a few people out. learning by association works pretty well - I learned Moron that way.
Soo, there are a couple a links for you there, eh? oh, and aboot the canadian translation - eh? hey! we speak the same language there, bucko - eh?