we're all doomed

See, I don't have a TV and I don't go to Yahoo, so I tend to miss out on movie promos. So the other day, when I saw something about the new Doom movie, I was psyched. I played all the dooms, all the way back to the shareware version of doom 1, so naturally the thought of a movie seemed kinda cool. It's not cool. It's a goddamned travesty is what it is. I haven't seen it, nor will I ever see it. If somebody tries to force me to watch it, I'll throw the TV out a window. If I can't remove the movie, I'll gouge out my eyes, put my fingers in my ears and scream LALALALALALALALA for 2 hours. They took the basic concept of doom, killing demons, and somehow managed to make the worst action movie of all time. This movie will make people die from suckiness exposure. It will send a shockwave of sucky thru all space and time and make everything everywhere everywhen suck a little more. Here's why: It has a guy in a wheelchair. A movie about space marines killing demons has a guy in a wheelchair. a space wheelchair that's cgi'd to his torso, but a wheelchair nonetheless. Guy in a Wheelchair is the dead canary in the action genre coal mine. You have a bunch of intrepid racially balanced people killing whatever, and there's this one plucky eccentric in a wheelchair who somehow manages to not get eaten by the thing that ate 4 guys with huge guns and combat training. If your action movie has a guy in a wheelchair, your action movie sucks. Doom also stars The Rock, who is a better actor than an actual rock, usually. It has The Now, in the form of a story change. In all the doom games, there was a reserch station working on dimensional portals to speed travel. they somehow manage to open a portal to hell and demons come out, killing everybody but you, the player. In the movie, they just mapped out the last 10% of the human genome, at some point in TEH FUTURR! on a research station in TEH SPAYCE! and TEH MONSTARRS! happen. Doom is a movie about a dynamic and racially balanced group of people with fancy hi tech stuff in space in the future. I'm sure there's a big "I'll kill anything, grr." guy, a green cadet who did really well in the simulator, a guy who's a scientist or civilian and hates guns, a wirehead who can fix hack or unlock anything, and a woman wearing a dirty tank top and no bra. Oh yeah, and a kid. A little girl who starts off real scared of the monsters and ends up sticking her tongue out at one after it gets killed. Doom is a movie based on a video game, which is a strike against. Doom is a movie with a guy in a wheelchair, which we already discussed. Doom is a movie starring the rock, which, I'm sorry, just kills it. Doom is going to suck. Mark my words. The Doom movie will suck hard, and die fast - just like a Filipino hooker.