The Cynic's Sanctuary Oh, sweet cynicism.

I wake up screaming in the middle of the night. It's happening again. I thought I could control it, but some things just can't be controlled. All the medications, all the counseling, all worthless to me know, as I slip into madness again. I can't make it go away, I can't turn it down, it keeps echoing thru my head. It keeps getting stronger and stronger, and the more I try to fight it - the worse it gets. The haunting melody begins, then the voices...... "........they're a page right out of his-to-reee." damn you bedrock, damn you to hell.

I'm a damned tech junkie. I really love new fangled tech toys that I will never have a use for and will never be able to afford. Example: I think those 50 inch plasma tv's are the coolest thing since - well, since the tv. I don't really watch that much tv, and I can't exactly buy one, since they run about 25 grand and I don't currently have a job. But I want one soooooo bad. I also think it would be neat to have one of those 4 thousand dollar laptops to play the sims on at the local truckstop. yeah, I want an 800mhz laptop computer, with 128 megs or more of ram, 20 or so gigs of hard drive space, and I would spend my time playing mp3's wth it and playing games. Now, any gadget can be cool and "must have", but to truly rock, it's gotta have a useless remote. Like those car stereos with a little tiny remote control, even though you are never going to be more then 2 feet from the damn thing. I want remote controls for everything I own. I want a toaster with no external controls. Yeah.... My toaster could have a usb cable on it, and I could bring up the toaster control panel (toaster.cpl) to make toast. Or if I prefer, I could use the 2.4ghz remote, and make toast from a mile away. This would all be pointless, since I'd still have to go load bread into the toaster, but I would still show it off to all my friends. Actually, I want one of those whole house control things, except with the functionality of the fantasy toaster i just mentioned. I want to be sitting in front of the computer, pick up a bigass remote with an lcd touch screen or fire up a program, and make toast, record a rerun of "newsradio", let the dog outside, fire up the stereo to play some fear factory, fire a warning shot at the zealot passing out flyers at my front door, warm up my car, pet the cat, get the newspaper, call a friend and make plans to go somewhere, celebrate the chinese new year, donate 1 dollar to the "shut sally struthers the hell up" foundation, scratch my balls, clean the toilet, and scratch my balls again for good measure - all from the comfort of my heated, massaging, sound system having, fridge having chair.

Man, I have got to do something about all these people driving thru my yard. I mean, I thought living on the interstate would be neat, but it's just getting to be a hassle - what with having to put on that orange vest and run across 6 lanes of traffic to check my mail, which is usually just a bill or one of those damned asphalt roofing tiles. I wish I knew who kept sending me roofing tiles. I did get enough to redo the roof on my toolshed, but I still think somebody is trying to move in or something. Actually, I was thinking it might be this old friend of mine stealing someone's house again, and trying to us eme to cover his tracks. he used to do this all the time, but he used to always send the chunks of wall and stuff to his mom, and then she'd repaint them and pile them up in the backyard, and he'd get back and go take all the chunks and sell them to somebody. He made a nice living, but I just think it would be too much work. Anyway, he's gonna have a hole in his roof 'cause I'm keeping those tiles I redid the roof of my toolshed with.

Lately, two questions have been racing thru my head:
'Why do I feel the need to set my head on fire at family reunions?' and
'Did I build that hedge maze out front just to piss off the mailman?'
No answers seem to be in sight. At least I've got my sanity. And my army of lawn gnomes. Oh, and those neato pieces of that guy's fence that look just like the top of a cherry pie. I wonder why he won't let me mow his yard anymore?
They say idle hands do the devil's work. what about hands holding a bloody chainsaw in a nursing home? what kind of work are they doing?
Hey, If I got shot 30,000 times, would I be a tragedy? I mean, when one person dies, the news doesn't seem to care as much as when somebody kills off a whole big group of people. So if I was to get kshot enough times to kill a whole herd of people, would I qualify as a tragedy? What if I made up a new religion right before I got killed? would I be a martyr then? I think it would be neat to be a martyr, it's just that I don't really like the idea of having to be dead first - I couldn't enjoy it if I was dead.

I was thinking of naming my blog Gordon or something. I could be like 'Gordon Blog, meet Twilight Jones. Twilight will be making the blood vessels in people's heads explode - with your help.'

Warning: This Page contains both secure and insecure elements - do you give a shit? An error has occured in line 9842, char 746 - do you want to run a debugger that will further break the page? Notice: there is a syntax error on line 14, char 27. expected 'proper syntax', got 'improper syntax'. Peligro: one error was found on this page. Microsoft Internet Explorer will now reformat the page to contain more, and possibly cause a slew of those ugly 16 bit errors when it pukes, taking your shell down with it, since your shell and Microsoft Internet Expoder are one and the same. Also note that you will probably have to reset your system, since only explorer holds the secret to correctly shutting down. GDI.exe, msgsrv32, and rundll will likely fall over as well, causing what we at Microsoft call 'the domino effect', or 'up-shit-creek-sans-paddle mode', wherein you will see many variations of the ever-popular blue screen of death and disfigurement, which will be hiding self-propagating error messages, which of course, will end up crashing some module or kicking your physical memory in just the right spot so as to cause Microsoft Windows to spew forth more blue screens of rape and pillaging. Caution: since Microsoft Internet Exploiter and Explorer.exe are linked at the hip, any further crashes in any program will likely cause Microsoft Internet Extorter to die a violent death and killing half of your programs as it thrashes towards the land of memory leakage, which of course will either crash the shell or cause enough crappage to force you to reboot, because we on the Windows team think rebooting is the right thing to do, regardless of what you think. Go Ahead and reboot now and get it over with? (Yes) (OK) Alert: Microsoft Windows will probably go ahead and reboot into safe mode, or maybe just reboot again, just to be extra safe.

Is it ever really Tuesday? Is Tuesday just a relative term? what if some aliens came to earth and thought us to be savages because we use this wildly inaccurate and archaic system for measuring time?
I just noticed that my last two posts invloved getting pants damp, so I'll just go ahead and make it a hat trick:

Damn, I should have rolled up my cuffs before we walked across that gigantic sponge.

you know, I'm pretty sure the person that invented the toilet paper holder knew which way the free end was supposed to hang.
So like, I was reading about lake vostok, which is this lake under 2 miles of ice near the south pole, and I got to thinking "why do we even care about other planets when we haven't got this one figured out yet?"
I am just in deep thought mode here.
I was thinking about making some new team members (who would still be me) to post different things, but that would be kind of a hassle, so forget it.
If I took advantage of those little buttons at the top of the 'edit your blog' screen and started using excessive bold italicized hyperlinks, would that annoy anbody? wHaT aBOUt mIxeD CaPS? or I could be all 3733t and use hacker-speak so 1/10 of 1% of the people could read it. or I could just use latin. or spanish, but I don;t know much spanish. I know prostituta, amplificador, gordo, burrito supreme.... I want to learn how to say "Excuse me, do you speak spanish?" in spanish, and then go to mexico and annoy people.

I almost wet myself when I saw This