A few of my least favorite things.

I fucking hate the sun. And toothaches. And pretty much everything else when I'm sunburned with a toothache.
And now, after coming in to work at 6 am for three days, I have to come in to work at 10 pm, so my internal clock is in chaos. Much like the rest of me.
Fuck you, sun. piss off. I have to work outside. Outside under the unforgiving stare of the white hot sun. Sun, go fuck yourself. Eclipse already. So here I am working outside, in a legendary heat wave. it's been 100 and up for the last two weeks. got up to 106 today. While I was outside. Outside in a glass building in the middle of a parking lot. Everybody feel sorry for me. Because the sun is just laughing it up at my expense.

Apologies are in order.

A couple posts back I incorectly identified the United States Postal Fucking Service as the United States Fucking Postal Service. I apologize for any inconvenience this has caused, and I apologize to the United States Fucking Postal Service Pizzaria in Tampa, Florida for the extra mail and phone calls I have caused you.

And now, I would like to sing a little song for you:

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
Spongebob Squarepants!
Absorbent and yellow and porous is he.
Spongebob Squarepants!

I'm only partially here.

Man, being tired sucks. I could go to sleep and fix this problem, but I'm an idiot and addicted to the computer, so here I sit, blurry vision and all, typing some random non-thoughts into this post. I'll read this tomorrow and go "What the hell was I thinking?" and then I'll probably think "I need to sleep more." or possibly "Man, a twinkie would hit the spot right now." Speaking of twinkies - what the hell is wrong with Hostess, or whoever the hell it is that makes twinkies.... oompa loompas, probably. Anyway, twinkies were the same for millions of years, having evolved from the sea sponge. The common twinkie developed a defense mechanism - spooge - that ensured the survival of the species by rendering the twinkie inedible. Humans eventually evolved a resistance to this horrible poison, and began eating the otherwise tasty twinkies in vast quantities. The twinkie population was in danger of being wiped out by fat people, so they began to evolve toxins even more horrible than that white spooge crap in their body cavities. A few years ago, twinkies developed a chocolate coating. This chocolate coating was like toxic waste, plus it turned the flesh of the twinkie into a substance not unlike foam rubber. This variant of the twinkie apparently had some fatal flaw, because they vanished rather quickly. now, a new horror has arisen within the very flesh of the twinkie. I think they are called "tiger tail" or something, and they have what appears to be generic berry goo spiraling around the body of the twinkie. We humans will eventually develop a resistance to this as well, and the twinkie will be forced to develop something even more horrible. maybe a marshmallow and coconut coating.

I'm buying a bicycle.

The dagnabbed gol-durned price of gas has me all red in the face, like when I stuck my head in the fry-daddy. Now, way back in the way back, gas was like a dollar a gallon where I live. A buck sounds just about right. It works. Then out of nowhere, the price of gas had a spasm and suddenly it cost like a buck seventy to buy a damned gallon of gas. When I was just a young pyromaniac, before I had any bodily hair to accidentally burn off, a dollar would buy me a whole afternoon of fun, flames, and fumes. If gas did that knee-jerk price thing when I was a kid, I would have been so bummed out, I probably would have been forced to go to the pool or something else totally unfun. I have a friend with an econobox - one of those cars the size of a midget's athletic supporter. It gets like 700 miles to the gallon, which is good because it has a 10 gallon tank. I prefer the land yachts - cars that need 11 gallons to prime the carb. Anyway, this friend had to spend damn near twenty bucks to fill up his tank. This car is the size of a hamster skull, and it costs 20 bucks to fill it up. If I had a car (I'm usually a jobless bum), I'd probably have something that was 30 feet long and weighed 18 tons, and had a beeper thing for when I backed it up - not that I would ever back it up, because the back window is so far away that I can't see anyting thru it. I like these cars. These cars have time zones - they affect the tides. But if I had one of these cars, I'd be paying upwards of the total net worth of Oregon to fill up the gas tank. Now, the gas price hike isn;t really what pissed me off. What pissed me off is the fact that gas prices dropped, and then they leveled off around 1.20. Gas got up to like 2.50 in some places, and now it's down to like 1.20-1.50, and we are supposed to be thankful for gas prices being so low. I have news for you: Gas prices are still high. Remember before, when gas was a dollar? Now it is "back down" and it's still at least 1.20. Somebody is laughing their asses off over this, and it ain't the general populous. The general populous is scared shitless at the gas prices. Travelling salesman were paying so much for gas that they drew no profit. The United States Fucking Postal Service was going to drop Saturday deliveries because of gas prices. And young pyromaniacs everywhere have to shell out more money for their activities. Money they could be using for more productive things, like matches.

PIMPCHICKEN!

And now, another adventure of Pimpchicken, the Chicken who also happens to be a pimp.
One day, Pimpchicken was out strolling the street, keeping tabs on his Hoechickens, when his arch-nemesis, Pimpfox, struts his way. Pimpfox was pimping his Hoefoxes on Pimpchicken's territory, and Pimpchicken was none too happy about that. "What do you think you doing pimping yo hoes on my turf, suckuh?", said Pimpchicken, with a scowl on his beak. To this, Pimpfox replied "I be pimping my Hoefoxes any damn where I want, chicken!". Now, Pimpchicken was enraged at this, and he was just about to whip out his pimp stick and lay the smack down on the ol' Pimpfox, when the farmer came out of the barn and shot Pimpfox with a big old shotgun. 2 days later, Pimpchicken was strolling the street again, keeping tabs on his Hoechickens, and the farmer came back. "Yo, you want one of my bitches, bitch?", said Pimpchicken, and with that, the farmer grabed Pimpchicken by the throat and snapped his neck. The farmer then threw Pimpchicken into the bed of his truck and drove out behind the barn to the burning pit. 2 days later, there was a new Pimpchicken.

Why Can't Johnny Read?

I think I spilled my brains out a month ago, 'cuz I haven't had the inspiration to post here. Right now I'm flying by the seat of my pants, and the seat of my pants has worn thin from all the sitting on this chair in front of this computer missing this life. Maybe I should become a dominatrix... hold on, I think you have to be a woman to do that. What is a male dom called? Dominator. Yeah... I AM THE DOMINATOR!!! I like it. It has a real "I am the Dominator" ring to it. Anyway, I was thinking I might become a Dominator so I could not post for a month and blame on all the worthless scum who read this thing. Something like "I didn't post for a month because I didn't feel like it. Deal, scum." Naw. I'm not a born leader, which is weird, since I'm a leo and I'm supposed to be a leader. Fuck it, here's some links:

National Geographic has a page all about Coffee (All hail Coffee). Coffee (Coffee be praised) is my god. I worship the holy triumverate: Coffee (Coffee bless me), Juan Valdez, and a blurry, vibrating frog (what? it's not as strange as the stuff in the bible.)Go read the page, and leave an offering of non-dairy creamer or sugar by your Coffee Maker.

Galileo is flipping you off. Galileo's body got moved at some point in the past, and when it was, somebody yanked the middle finger out of his right hand. I can only assume they had a really bad booger and didn't want to be caught with their own finger up their nose. Oddly Enough, this site is on NASA's webpage...

AdCritic In case you don't know about it yet, AdCritic is a site that puts all the best commercials on the web. I watch the superbowl for the commercials, I have no interest whatsoever in all the football playing that surrounds them.