Hey, is there anyone who CAN'T walk and chew gum at the same time? That would be really freaky.... take a few steps, stop, chew a little, stop, take a few steps...
For your inner 12 year old. Ahh... I remember a time when fart and barf jokes were funny. A time when saying "Penis" in front of a teacher was both the worst and funniest thing you could ever possibly do. A time when I sang soprano and had no bodily hair. I remember it like it was yesterday, because it was.

So, how would the economy be affected if it rained quarters and we used pepper instead of Susan B. Anthony Dollars?
Actually, I think our cars would be affected if it rained quarters, and we'd never need change.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO WITH ALL THESE OSTRICHES????

On Roses and Posies (an essay on the state of flora in the world, and how they relate to the chaos created by man)
-------------------
Damn. I hate flowers. Flowers suck, maybe I should plant garlic or something. Or a tree. Yeah, I could plant an oak tree, come back in 50 years, and chop it down - thus pissing off countless squirrels, and scattering acorns everywhere. I don't even like trees. Why am I still writing this? Just a bad idea to start with, if you ask me. I also dislike the way the tab key works in non-word processing programs. I expect it to tab over 5 spaces, and it sends my cursor to a different field. I got your cursor right here, bud. I bet it would be bad to play catch with a keychain. I know whenever somebody throws keys at me and I catch them, I go "Ow" and rub my hand for a minute. Would you rather watch the last half of Rain Man or all of Deep Blue Sea? What if Rain Man was Superman and Deep Blue Sea was The Abyss? Heh. I just noticed that in one of those earlier posts (the reallly bad one), the bad link is purple, as in "has been recently visited", and the disney link is blue, as in "ain't been there". You should all go out and buy "renegades" by rage against the machine. every last one of you. they cover lots of classic rap and rock stuff, they even cover Devo. I gotta fill whitespace here, so I'm gonna start typing the lyrics to "I'm Bad" by ll cool j (back from way before he did Deep Blue Sea) No rapper can rap quite like I can, I'll take a musclebound man and put his face in the sand. Not the last mafioso - I'm a mc cop. Make you say "Go LL" and do the wop. If you think you can outrhyme me, yeah boy, I bet - cause I ain't met a motherfucker who can do that yet. Trendsetter, I'm better, my rhymes are good, I got a gold nameplate that says "I wish you would" and when battles begin then I gotta join in and before my rhyme is over - You know I'ma win. That works, I guess. Maybe nobody has read this far, and I can start being really weird. Nah.

Radio Snack: you've got questions, we've got twinkies.

Hey look - I found a quarter!

What if Alice was offended by the "Eat me" sign? She would have never gotten out of wonderland.

Radio Coop: You've got questions, we've got chickens.


A 911 call to remember:
--
(911 person) 911, what is your emergency?
(lucky) I seem to have a bear eating my intestines.
(911) excuse me sir?
(lucky) I woke up this morning and there was a black bear eating my intestines. I guess he ripped me open during the night sometime. I figured he'd go away after a while, but it's been about 6 hours now...
(911) ok, so you say a bear is eating your intestines, and has been doing so for 6 hours.
(lucky) at least. he was eating them when I woke up.
(911) ok. uhh.. can you give me your address so we can-
(lucky) oops, now I'm on fire.
(911) excuse me?
(lucky) well, I was trying to light a torch to scare the bear off, you know, like in the movies?
(911) yes sir, in the movies.
(lucky) well, I made this torch, but when I tried to light it, I guess I spilled some kerosene on me, and well - now I'm on fire. it did scare the bear off, though, so I'm ok there.
(911) ok, is your whole body on fire, or just a part of you?
(lucky) well, most of me, really. not my head, though. well, my hair, but I figured you kinda assumed that.
(911) uh, sir, can you just give me your address and we can rush somebody out-
(lucky) hey, is it bad for an arm to just fall off?

I will now post a link. BEWARE! PELIGRO! YUCKY AND MOST LIKELY HIGHLY OFFENSIVE THINGS AHEAD!
before I post this, I must inform you that, although I thought it was the funniest damned thing I've ever seen, most people (even highly jaded, usually non-offensible people) WILL BE OFFENDED and will grow to hate me because I posted this purile, sick, sex-and-religion-don't-mix link. so consider yourself warned. Actually, don't consider yourself warned, so you can get the full-on shock this site will offer you. Also, if you are a sick pervert of historic proportions (like you think Caligula was a prude and the Marquis De Sade was boring in bed), you might wanna buy something from here. I'm just providing a public service here, if you don't want to see bad things - BAD THINGS SHAPED LIKE RELIGIOUS FIGURES AND INTENDED TO AID FEMALE MASTURBATION - you shoudln't click here, and you should go to confession just for reading this far. Now, if you are like me, you will laugh your ass off and spend the next couple weeks freaking out all your friends with this. But you probably aren't like me (thank your lucky stars), and you will go EWWWWWWW!!!! and quickly call your mom to tell her how much you love her. Anyway, here goes. and don't send me hatemail or dead animals. well, you can't really send dead animals thru email, and a picture would just go into my folder full of pictures just like it.

REALLY OFFENSIVE LINK - DON'T EVER CLICK HERE FOR ANY REASON, EVEN IF YOUR MOM TELLS YOU TO
THIS LINK IS BAD, DON'T CLICK IT.
DON'T SAY I DIDN'T TRY TO WARN YOU. THIS IS BAD - WAY BAD. CHER-AND-KENNY G-DOING-THE THONG SONG-ON-A-CHRISTMAS-ALBUM-BAD
Btw, be sure to check out my favorite one - the baby Jesus buttplug.
And, to balance it out, here is some nice stuff.
SHINY HAPPY LINK. GOOD LINK.
GOOD LINK. STICKY IN A GOOD WAY. I love that site. I've always wanted a glue information portal. and I never knew how to glue ceramic to leather before this.

Maybe I should just change my name to Nick.
I have a problem with nicknames. On this web log thing, I call myself Twilight Jones (which I've used off and on for maybe 8 years), but I'm also known as (in no particular order): Firebug, vYrus, BUTANE, 11-Wires, eclipse, and PAIN (in games). I have also used variants of most of those, like _vyrus_ or (eclipse), and I was once known as angrycowdisease, and once when I first installed aol instant messenger, I had to use Phyrebugge, because there are 200 billion people on aol, and aol doesn;t just give you a number like icq does (note that I no longer use AIM, and I'd rather hang myself by my penis than actually USE aol.)
Damn. I harshed on AOL pretty hard there... so like, everybody go to aol and sign up. or don't. or hang yourselves by your various gentialia. I don't care.
OK, New subject:
WHY I THINK MEN HAVE IT BETTER THAN WOMEN. (notice that I did NOT say we ARE better, although I think we are. This is why we have it better)

Men can write their names in the snow. Men with lots of self control can print their names in the snow.
Men only bleed when they are injured.
Men only cramp after running or something.
Men can't get pregnant.
When a man's dog dies, he gets sad, usually telling somebody "I loved that fucking dog, man!" Men do not take it further than that, and usually see it as a chance to get a new dog.
Men enjoy violence, which happens to be just about the only thing on tv.
Men can be really scary and intimidating if need be.
Men don't have to get help to pick up heavy things.
Men can get stuff off of any shelf in the house by themselvs.
Men can open their own damned jars.
And a bunch of other stuff that I don't care enough about to write down.

So, Gore just conceded, and it looks like the dubya will be the next president of the United States of America. Good thing I was planning on moving to that sewer in Berlin. In a way (a sick twisted way), I kinda like that fact that dubya is gonna run the country until he screws up, just because HE WILL SCREW UP, and when he does, he will probably already be spending most of his time in courtrooms saying "I did cocaine once (sniffle) but I did not inhale, (rubs nose while sniffling) and I was only high for a couple minutes. (dubya's lawyer leans over and whispers something to him) Oh, uh, nevermind." Hell, we ALL loved Clintion, and we wanted to cut off his love wand just because he got a blowjob. dubya was a drunk for years, a cokehead for who knows how long, and can barely read as it is. What's gonna happen the first time dubya goes to some country and has to pronouce a name like M'beghu Go'Latta M'butu or Hermanz Fleichenschwitzsenhauer? Daddy can't pull you out of this one dubya, and your dealer won't have anything ot do with you unless he wants to write a book. Looks like it's time to go talk to your old friend Martin I Vodka.

....and here I thought I was gonna have a problem putting 74 chickens and a linebacker in a toaster oven....

(cowboy twilight) HI BOYS AND GRRLS! (boys and girls in unison, except for llama boy, but nobody minds him) HI COWBOY TWILIGHT!!!! (cowboy twilight) DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS!?!?!?!?!?! (children in unison, except for llama boy) IT'S RANDOM LINK TIME!!!!!!!! (announcer, speaking very quickly) randomlinktimeiscopyrighted1952byeclipsestudiossomerestrictionsapplyallrightsrexervedexceptforllamaboyoffernotvalidinpanamacubaortexasbecausetexassucks (cowboy twilight) THAT'S RIGHT! SO HERE WE GO!!!

Best Toilets Somebody actually maintains this list of all the best public restrooms in various cities. And I thought I was weird.
Tetrachromats There is at least one woman in the world who can see more colors than everybody else because she has 4 sets of cones in her eyes instead of the usual three.
International Space Station Visibility Data Now you can get up real early, look at a twinkle in the sky for 2 minutes, and go "Gee".
THE CLAW Not quite a joystick, but not a keyboard either. Probably the most innovative game controller since the joystick. Or maybe the Power Glove.
Being Seen Technologies Makers of electroluminescent strips, which are like neon, but better. And cheaper. And really flexible. I gotta get me some of that.
Interlink Electronics They make these badass mice from stainless steel that you can beat on with a hammer. (I can do that to my mouse, bit I'd have to buy another one afterwards).
Pricewatch Ok, Ok, so I'm a nerd. But I like this place. It's the quickest way to get the lowest price on computer hardware on the web.
Happy Pipes I don't actually have a use for this, but they do have some really cool handblown glass bongs and stuff. I just wanna spread the love is all.

I hate it when programs install shortcuts and the like without asking you. Real Player, for example, puts a shortcut on your desktop, in your start menu, and it installs several other programs that should be kept seperate (like realjukebox, netzip, download demon and comet cursor - all of which I despise). even worse, many programs suffer from terminal bloat. let's take a look at icq for a moment. Icq is like a 6 or 7 meg download. when I first started using icq, it had all the functionality it does now (more on that in a momet), and it weighed in at less than one meg. Now, where did all this extra meggage come from? from useless crap. I looked at icq's homepage builder, shuddered, and deleted the directory it kept all of it's graphics and templates in. I have never, and will never, use random chat, or phone/follow me, or the email "feature", or the browser, or voice messaging, or E-icq (whatever the hell that is). So where is the good old icq with messaging, file transfer, chat, and away mode? still there, but buried under a bunch of useless "features". To add insult to injury, when mirabilis decided that their program was too large, they removed the one thing I thought was actually useful: the mesage archive. oh yeah, they also removed the IP address from the info screen. now, "ftp to my IP as anonymous" takes longer because I can't just click on the info button and see the IP. So, as a result of Mirabilis being a bunch of stick-in-the-mud bloatware designers, I will issue this statement:


I Twilight Jones, being of mostly sound mind and vaugely egg-shaped body, Hereby demand that Mirabilis, the creators of the program ICQ, release a "stripped down" or "classic" version, with all the extra fluffy features amputated, and the core program intact. When Mirabilis releases this "classic" icq, I will stop bitching.