Soapboxers Of The World: Shut Up.

So, I'm watching the superbowl, and I see like 3 or 4 ads from some group whose goal is apparently to make sure you never take another drag off another cigarette, ever. the ads featured people who had lost loved ones or had some various nasty diseases all because they smoked. There was also a commercial where n*sync showed up at some guy's house and thanked him for not letting his kids drink. I take issue with these "Sopaboxers", these people who use every oppoutunity to climb on a soapbox, to force their opinions down your throat, who will spend millions of dollars to get a commercial on the superbowl to preach anti-smoking and anti-drinking ideals to a bunch of drunk people with a pack of smokes in their pockets. I have an idea, a solution for all these soapboxers that will make everyone happy -SHUT THE HELL UP! Easy, wasn't it? If you want to influence people, put a sign up in your yard, stand on a corner near the hospital with a sign, hold a conference or a meeting where you can show people what you want to show them. Holding up pictures of dead babies in front of the clinic is only going to offend - not influence - anyone. if someone is on their way to have an abortion, or on their way into the store to buy beer, or already drunk - you've lost them, they aren't going to listen to you - go somewhere else. Of course, if you are dedicated enough to your cause to go forth and try to "Educate" (or "force your opinions down the throats of") the people, you are dedicated enough to not listen to a word I'm saying. because I am not of your cause, I am in the wrong, I am only trying to sway you from the right and true cause which you are crusading for, blocking people's paths for, killing people for, being a callous ass for, annoying and offending everyone for.

In case you haven't noticed, I have very strong opinions about having your own opinions - let me restate that - I encourage you to have your own opinions on everything, don't let other people tell you what you should think, and don't tell other people what you think they should think. If your opinion is the right one, other people will come to have the same opinion as you - all on their own. I don't wear my seatbelt. I don't wear it, not because "it's uncomfortable" or "it messes up my clothes" or anything like that. I don't wear it because I can't stand the fact that I am legally compelled to wear it - I am being forced to make myself safe. If it wasn't a law, I'd be fine with it, and I might wear it. I stop at stoplights, I use my turn signal, why not the seatbelt? Because those other things make *everyone* safe - those are things that are right, and that need to be done to ensure the safety of others on the road. The seatbelt, however, protects only me. Why should I have to be safe? If I want to "live on the edge", it should be my right to do so.

Death Notice. Music was found dead on the 50 yard line of Raymond James Stadium in Tampa, Florida on Sunday. Time of death was around 8 pm, 7 central. Cause of death is believed to be a fatal mixing of genres, combined with an overdose of commercialization. Music had spent most of it's life in high spirits, but it started on a downward spiral when Fred Durst performed with Christina Aguilara during an awards show last year. Music was reported to have gone to it's home in Cleveland and freebased vanilla ice that night. the problems continued until tonight, where music met it's demise at Superbowl XXXV. During the opening ceremonies, the backstreet boys overpowered a healthy injection of Ray Charles by butchering the national anthem. Then, during the Mtv produced halftime show, Music suffered a fatal heart attack during the performance of Aerosmith, N*Sync, Britney Spears, Mary J Blige, and Nelly. Apparently, all the artists performing "Walk this Way", an old Aerosmith favorite, simultaneously, was enough to cause total pulmonary failure. Music is survived by Sculpture, Poetry, Painting, Theater, and Dance. Music will be mourned by all those who loved it. Memorial services will be held at the rock and roll hall of fame museum in Cleveland.

They say the heart of rock and roll is still beating, and from what I've seen, they couldn't be more wrong.

Quick question:
would you rather be addicted to heroin or crack? I mean, if you aren't already addicted to one of them (since that would bias you), and if you for some reason absolutely had to be addicted to one of them, which one would it be? I think I'd go for crack. Why crack? Well, for one thing, you get the neato pipe instead of that boring old syringe and rubber tubing - and crack is easy to transport. You can even send Virtual Crack to yourself thru email. Well, you're supposed to send it to other people, but why do that when you can be your own pusher?

Hey, did you ever wake up in the middle of the night, screaming "OH MY GOD! IS ABE VIGODA STILL ALIVE???!?!?!?!"? well, if you do, you seriously need some medicinal assistance, and maybe a long vacation to the nutbar inn - HOWEVER, while you wait on those nice young men in their clean white coats, you can go HERE to check up on ol' Abe.

Hey, just what I've always wanted! Coffins! I think if I was going to spend 500 bucks on a coffee table, I'd get one of those coffins and put some flowers on it, then like go find a dead cat or something to put in it, and then I could scare everybody off when I wanted to open it. I think I'd have to throw some fresh earth around it to make it more convincing.

Ok, I like loud music as much as the next headbanging metal fiend, but at some point it just becomes silly. beyond the obvious hilarity of this thing, you have to think for a second "wait, there are several thousand dollars woth of speakers back there - and they all point towards each other when the doors are shut." I'm sure that sounds wonderful once you get all those big speakers in ther together with no place for the sound to go. It must sound just like wrapping your headphones in a towel and throwing them into a pool.... You should also check out this travesty and keep saying to yourself "they did this on purpose, and they aren't in a circus or a parade or anything..." Like a minivan needed any help being ugly.

Primus, they don't sound like anybody.
There are so few bands that you can say that about. how many bands sound like some other band? most of them. Not Primus, though. Primus sounds like.... Primus. That makes it tough to describe them to somebody who hasn't heard them. it's like trying to describe blue to somebody who has been blind from birth. Primus is quirky, funny, rock, alternative, almost bluegrass sometimes.... they like fishing and Tom Waits, lots of their songs tell a story, usually of one odd person. And Les Claypool can play the hell out of that bass. I've never heard anybody that can do some of the stuff that Les can do for 8 minutes while singing the (also challenging) lyrics to "tommy the cat" live.Were I forced to make a list of my 5 favorite bands, Primus would be right up there at or near the top.
Ok, so, more links now.
SmellyPoop Now if you really don;t like somebody, you can send fresh feces to them via this wonderful little site. I'd go for the camel poo, myself, that stuff has got to be nasty.
Not the best idea we as a people have had. Seems that people down under are shoving their poop in each other's poop chutes in order to fix poop-related ailments. Myself, I'd rather just deal with irritable bowels. I could just get them to switch to decaf or something.
Rotten Just plain wrong. be sure to browse the "fuck of the month".
Boy, I really hope my family never gets a look at my bookmarks... They would be absoultely horrified.
Why does adding the word "monkey" to something make it funnier? I mean, "ass" isn't really a funny word, but "assmonkey" is giggle-inducing. I also like "monkeyfucker". "stumpfucker", while not containing "monkey", is quite funny. At least that's what I think. But then again, I'm a big ol' freak with the bookmark folder from hell.

A dissertation on cheese:

Cheese. Cheese is always shown in commercials streaming out of every gooey orifice of the hamburger/taco/pizza in an attempt to make you want the product more. If you were to eat this product, with its vast rivers of cheese all oozing and stretchy, you would most certainly burn the piss out of your mouth. So why the need to use a potentially hazardous product to sell food? Easy, gooey cheese=tasty food. The ad people figured out this equation some time ago. They know that even though cheese at 700 degrees farenheit is not something anyone wants in their mouths, cheese at 700 degrees farenheit LOOKS very appetizing, and makes the host food look better by proxy - flavor by association. I propose we as a society start to like cold cheese. I enjoy seeing a taco with the cheese just starting to melt, and, having delivered pizza for a while, I know that molten cheese is not only dangerous - it makes the food less attractive by allowing the other ingredients to slide around in seas of cheese. so, rather than sailing the seas of cheese (primus references notwithstanding), rather let us salivate to *slightly* gooey cheese, or cold cheese.

I'm so bright, my daddy called me "sun".
my future's so bright, I gotta wear shades.
I wear my sunglasses at night - so I can see.
I am not a random link.
Neither am I.
I am kinda random, but not TOO random or anything, just kinda confused.
I'm not really random, but I am totally wacked out.
You're so vain, I'll bet you think this link is about you.

Did you ever notice that the waitress always comes to the table during the worst part of any conversation?
"...and here I am with my fist up this horse's ass, being chased by the cuban national baseball team, and on the fbi's most wanted list - and all because I bought mustard instead of ketchup! Oh, hey, I could use some more coffee, thanks."
"...so now I have to smoke crack so my girlfriend won't break up with me, and I was thinking of doing heroin too, just to be safe. Yeah, I think we're ready to order now."

Of course, the conversations at the tables I sit at tend to get a little..... off color. And by off color, I mean that both of those statements might actually end up being made at a table I sit at. Here's a cool thing you can do: act like you were in the middle of the worst possible conversation when the waitress walks up. "Yeah, I was thinking of calling in sick today, but I figured I had to go so I could pay my electric- hold on, here she comes.... so I said 'thanks but no thanks, Mr. Castro, I'd rather not be raped by a dictator today' so he got all pissed, and he grabs for the rifle, but he misses and grabs the strap on and- oh, can I get a refill here? thanks."
Actually, the waitresses at the places I frequent expect that from me and my circle of friends. if the waitress walked up and heard "...my electric bill, plus the landlord was bitching about the rent today", she'd get freaked out.
RANDOM LINK IN BAD TASTE You can watch webcasts of actual funerals at that site. It's so you can watch your grandma's funeral while still being a pathetic shut-in who lives in the glow of a computer screen, just like me.

Everything I know, I learned by killing smart people and eating their brains

hey, go listen to "mope" by the bloodhound gang.
following is my favorite part of the song. (my favorite part of any song so far):

(song stops)
Pac-Man: "yo yo yo yo yo! What it is motherfuckers?"
band: "Aw shit, here comes Pac-Man." "Hey Pac-Man, what's up?"
Pac-Man: "ME you bitches! I'm high on crack! Wanna freebase?"
band: "No Pac-Man - Drugs are bad!" "Nope, can't help you man."
Pac-Man: "PUSSIES!" (sounds of someone taking a hit) WHOA! HOLY SHIT!
(music is the Pac-Man theme over a drumline)
(song resumes)

I also feel the need to quote Pantera now. Actually, I think I need to go to church, stand up in front of the choir, and sing this over the p.a.

Pantera, "Good Friends and a Bottle of Pills"
(mostly spoken, with a nasty "i fucked your girlfriend last night" kind of drawl to it)

I fucked your girlfriend last night.
While you snored and drooled, I fucked your love.
She called me daddy and I called her baby when I smacked her ass.
I called her sugar when I ate her alive till daylight.
And I slept with her all over me, from forehead to ribcage I dripped her ass.
Sometimes I thought you might be spying, living out some brash fantasy, but no. You were knocked out.
But we were all knocked out you know. In a way
I serve too many masters.
We didn't know you'd break the bottle that the magic came in to use those jagged shards to slit our wrists and neck. And you'd do it too, you're that kind of dude.
But you wouldn't know what you were doing because I didn't, your girlfriend could have been a burn victim, an amputee, a dead body -
But god damn I wanted to fuck.
I'm serving too many fucking masters.
I told you. I told you motherfucker

Music I enjoy: Heavy Metal, Old School Rap (mostly early "gangsta" rap), Neo-Metal type stuff (like korn, system of a down, orgy, stuff like that) Primus (because they don't really fit anywhere else), the occasional hardcore techno-esque song (Aphex Twin's "Come To Daddy" was genius). I have a dark past. I used to listen to pop rap. Yup. I who worship Nine Inch Nails and the Beastie Boys, once owned two tapes by marky mark and the funky bunch. I also had vanilla ice's first album, and I was way into the fat boys. I'm over that now (thank {your deity here}), but I have a new vice - Cover songs. I don't know what it is, but I really love it when a group takes a classic song and perverts it just the right way. Marilyn Manson's "Sweet Dreams" and "I put a spell on you", The Mighty Mighty Bosstones "Detroit Rock City" and "Enter Sandman" (and I don't even like the bosstones. at all), anything like that, I love it.
Music I DO NOT enjoy: teeny pop, country, whiny alternative garbage. pretty much anything written before 1980 (and most of what was written in the 80s), manufactured bands (like n*stync, backdoor boys, and the countless other new kids/menudo clones) britney spears (both personally and musically - I hope she gets attacked by killer bees and stumbles into traffic, where she would be run over by christina aguilera's tour bus, which would then careen off a cliff, exploding in a glorious fireball upon impact with the cold hard ground.) christina aguilera (she learned spanish so she could record a spanish language album because she wanted to be true to her roots. her roots are in new england) and I'm not too fond of the elevator music crap that people like enya keep oozing all over us. ok, feeling better now. I got some rare old anthrax off napster (gives finger to "The Man") so I'm great. Speaking of napster, it's nice to see the true artists coming out in favor of napster. most artists are pretty neutral on napster (the "who gives a shit?" attitude is cool), some are really pissed off about napster (not to name any names *COUGH*metallica*COUGH*), and are trying to get it banned. those artists are money hungry, and not interested in making music for the sake of making music. and then there are some artists (Like prince and rage against the machine and chuck d and offspring and limp bizkit) who actually like napster, and encourage it's use. rage against the machine's management actually banned some users, so RATM apologized by offering a bunch of cool music on their website (to make up for some of their fans being denied the music they wanted). uh, what was I talking about?.... To Hell with it, I'm finished. (gives another finger to "The Man" just for fun)

yeah right, like I'm gonna fall for the old "I just shot a cop and you gotta help me hide the body" routine again.
I think Phenol would be a good name for a band.
So a mushroom walks into a bar, and the bartender says "get outta here, we don't serve your kind in here". and the mushroom goes "aww, come on - I'm really a fun-gi once you get to know me." (nyuk nyuk nyuk)
I don't mean to influence anybody here, but go buy Homeworld: Cataclysm right now. Go ahead, I'll wait. and while you're gone I'll steal your stuff and blame it on your little brother. seriously, I'm not a fan of space sims, I have owned 3 of them total in my life (freespace, freespace 2, and now cataclysm), but this game rules. When I first encountered the beast, I got all tense and sweaty. The beast is a biomechanical virus that infects your ships and makes them try to destroy you, and all larger ships carry weapons that can infect a whole squadron of your ships from weapons range. cool stuff, deep story, neato cutscenes (they are in black and white and look almost like cartoons), and lots of big nasty weapons, like the almighty siege cannon, which can vaporize capital shops from several K away. Anyway, go buy it. Right now. don't worry, it'll run on a 266 with a 4 meg video card.

I now present you with a picture of a hamburger.
you know you have too much time on your hands when...
Are you Amish? Yes? Then shame on you for being on a computer, but since you are commiting this atrocity anyway, you may as well buy a new churn here.
I was reading the "about" part of that website, and it said "many of our customers live 'off the grid'", and went on to talk about non-electric appliances. soooo.... if you don't have power, how are you supposed to be getting to this website? is the computer hooked up to your windmill? Maybe carrier pigeon for the data transfers?
Something to think about: Do you know why there aren't any klan rallies in China? (besides the obvious) Answer - because they would get run over by tanks. We Americans are weenies about that kinda stuff. If I was in charge, I would have a special branch of the army just for running klan members over with tanks. them and all those people that buy tickets to concerts so they can protest the artist. I got two words for you: STAY HOME!!! you know, I *really* hate country music. I consider country music to be the devil's music (The devil is the father of lies - would he send his message thru evil music? Nope. It would be on a garth brooks record.)
but I don't own any country albums, and I don't go to country concerts. Why? Because I hate country music, of course.Obvious, isn't it? Not to everybody, it would seem. There are people who buy marilyn manson cd's just so they can analyze the lyrics, and they go to concerts just to bitch and moan and hold up signs to a bunch of people who paid good money to see an artist they enjoy. Don't preach to the choir. Go stand outside the record store, and put your money back in your wallet. Before you buy the damned music, grab your signs. maybe somebody will see it, and it will influence them. "I think I might get that cd by that Marilyn Manson guy and see if I like it...hey, that guy doesn't seem to like manson very much. Hmm, maybe I'll get something by Judas Priest or Christian Death instead." See? Problem solved.
</SOAPBOX>

hey, whoohoo. happy new year. I don't wanna sound like one of those mathie people, but it is actually the first day of the new millenium. 01-01-01. last night I went out in my driveway at about 10 til and stood there, in the freezing cold, in snow up to my ankles, watching people pop fireworks all over town. I *love* fireworks. I've been a firebug (pyromaniac, almost an arsonist) since I can rememeber. I burned the hair off my legs in a friend of mine's grandmother's garage when I was in 6th grade, I've had more fuse burns than I can count, I've been engulfed in waaaay too many fireballs, and I can sit for hours watching a fire dance on a pile of logs. So I just stood there, ignoring the cold, catching the occasional whiff of sulphur and black powder in the air, naming off the fireworks people were popping. ("Looks like one of those 2 dollar rockets, and that was a saturn missle battery. pretty nice floral shell...) It was kind of like time slowed down, and all was right with the world. Some guy across the street shot a pistol a few times, somebody down the block was shooting saturn missle batteries (those blocks with lots of tiny red rockets in them) at an angle, amd I was just standing there. In the cold. Like an idiot.