Did you ever notice that the waitress always comes to the table during the worst part of any conversation?
"...and here I am with my fist up this horse's ass, being chased by the cuban national baseball team, and on the fbi's most wanted list - and all because I bought mustard instead of ketchup! Oh, hey, I could use some more coffee, thanks."
"...so now I have to smoke crack so my girlfriend won't break up with me, and I was thinking of doing heroin too, just to be safe. Yeah, I think we're ready to order now."

Of course, the conversations at the tables I sit at tend to get a little..... off color. And by off color, I mean that both of those statements might actually end up being made at a table I sit at. Here's a cool thing you can do: act like you were in the middle of the worst possible conversation when the waitress walks up. "Yeah, I was thinking of calling in sick today, but I figured I had to go so I could pay my electric- hold on, here she comes.... so I said 'thanks but no thanks, Mr. Castro, I'd rather not be raped by a dictator today' so he got all pissed, and he grabs for the rifle, but he misses and grabs the strap on and- oh, can I get a refill here? thanks."
Actually, the waitresses at the places I frequent expect that from me and my circle of friends. if the waitress walked up and heard "...my electric bill, plus the landlord was bitching about the rent today", she'd get freaked out.
RANDOM LINK IN BAD TASTE You can watch webcasts of actual funerals at that site. It's so you can watch your grandma's funeral while still being a pathetic shut-in who lives in the glow of a computer screen, just like me.