Honest Lies.

I lie.
I tell mistruths.
I lie all the time, for lots of reasons. Sometimes I'll lie to somebody just because it's funny to watch somebody try to process the total bullshit I just fed them.

I am a bullshit artist.
Sarcasm is my canvas and bullshit is my medium.

I don't lie to hurt people, or to make them feel better about themselves. I lie to freak people out. Nothing cranks my gears more than seeing smoke come out of someone's ears after I just told them I own a car that runs on dryer lint and deer antlers.

music of the moment: phish doing a live cover of pink floyd's "money", well.

word of the moment: baculum - and I wonder if that quantum leap guy knows his last name means dick bones? (note: he will always be that quantum leap guy to me, because I only watched enough of the first episode of enterprise to get my window open, so I could throw the tv thru it.)

link of the moment:stumbleupon. I consider this to be an indispensable browser tool. I've used it for years to get lots of my weirdass links.

Today's moral dilemma:

ok, you don't know how it got there, who it belongs to or how long it has been there - all you know is that you are all alone in the bathroom and you see it.

But:

Would you pick up and take a 10 dollar bill that was lying in a pool of urine?

What if it was a hundred?
What if you heard a guy walking out of the bathroom just before you giggling and saying "nobody'll ever pick *that* up"

Things like this are what I think about when I oughta be paying attention to the road.

looooong

so, here's the longest run-on sentence I've seen:
take a deep breath first.

music of the moment: "Hands around my throat" by death in vegas. death is vegas is cool. you like death in vegas.

word of the moment:Obligato, which is something that just has to be in. like if you were some vanguard composer, and your opus just wouldn't be complete without the 14 minute Aeolian harp solo, you'd mark it obligato.

Here's some stuff.

Just to keep you occupied, and because I'm tired but still want to post - here's some totally random stuff:

High Speed Video, that is, video shot at very high speeds, then played at normal video speed - the end effect being super-dooper slomo. I've never seen such a large collection of videos of this type, and some of these are cool enough that it made me want to buy one of those camera systems. Turns out they're fancy-restauraunt expensive, by which I mean you can't find out how much it costs until you try to buy it. They expect people buying these to submit expense summaries to accounting, and purchase justification letters to management.

wotm today's word of the moment has the longest non-run-on sentence I've ever seen - and I've seen a lot of 'em.

Simulated sales.

I just saw that there is now a "sims complete" box for sale in wal*place. wanna know what my first thought was when I saw it?
did I think

• Wow, about time!


• Man, that's both convenient and efficient!


• I bet that takes up a ton of hard drive space.


• I wonder why they waited so long...

I didn't think any of those things, at first.
No, the first thing I thought was:
Maxis is a bunch of greedy bastards.
They're sucking the last tiny drops of profit from a title that should be ages-dead by now. I'm aware the sims is a great game, but it's been surpassed by the sims 2. and the sims 2 is about to get a THIRD expansion pack. so they decide to push all 7 expansion packs, and the original game, into one box and sell it for 40 bucks, like it's a new game. Well, they already tried that a few months ago when they released the expansion packs in 2 packs. you merely had to spend 20 bucks 4 times and have the whole thing. and before that, there were the "sims ultra mega super wowee deluxo big fat edition" which had 4 expansion packs, and then one before that with 3, then 2 then 1. I bought the sims when it came out, between my friends and I we bought 4 of the expansion packs before one of us realized we had spent over a hundred dollars on a goddamned game.
They're doing it again. I have decided, officially, that I will no longer buy any sims 2 expansion packs. I bought "nightlife", the second pack, and it came with a slip of paper advertizing the goddamned third expansion pack. an expansion pack is supposed to be just that - EXPANSION. this filler crap they keep putting out with one or 2 minor features has pushed me past my limit. Rugs. The second pack introduced the amazing new rug. yeah, sims had that in one of the packs. They released sims 2 wih what feels like a pretty limited amount of stuff. So of course you have to buy all the "expansion" packs, which contain the rest of the game content that they should have put in the game in the first place, and you end up paying 200 bucks for a game you paid 50 bucks for. Neat trick, but I can see the wires, and I ain't buying it.

music of the moment: "can't truss it" by public enemy. Must be a nasty hernia if you can't truss it.

work of the moment: truss And here I thought chuck d was smart...

Truly Twisted.

Today's triumphant tongue twisting tantalizing term: tintinnabulation!
Taxing tone to that tympanic? Therein transpires tinnitus.

we're all doomed

See, I don't have a TV and I don't go to Yahoo, so I tend to miss out on movie promos. So the other day, when I saw something about the new Doom movie, I was psyched. I played all the dooms, all the way back to the shareware version of doom 1, so naturally the thought of a movie seemed kinda cool. It's not cool. It's a goddamned travesty is what it is. I haven't seen it, nor will I ever see it. If somebody tries to force me to watch it, I'll throw the TV out a window. If I can't remove the movie, I'll gouge out my eyes, put my fingers in my ears and scream LALALALALALALALA for 2 hours. They took the basic concept of doom, killing demons, and somehow managed to make the worst action movie of all time. This movie will make people die from suckiness exposure. It will send a shockwave of sucky thru all space and time and make everything everywhere everywhen suck a little more. Here's why: It has a guy in a wheelchair. A movie about space marines killing demons has a guy in a wheelchair. a space wheelchair that's cgi'd to his torso, but a wheelchair nonetheless. Guy in a Wheelchair is the dead canary in the action genre coal mine. You have a bunch of intrepid racially balanced people killing whatever, and there's this one plucky eccentric in a wheelchair who somehow manages to not get eaten by the thing that ate 4 guys with huge guns and combat training. If your action movie has a guy in a wheelchair, your action movie sucks. Doom also stars The Rock, who is a better actor than an actual rock, usually. It has The Now, in the form of a story change. In all the doom games, there was a reserch station working on dimensional portals to speed travel. they somehow manage to open a portal to hell and demons come out, killing everybody but you, the player. In the movie, they just mapped out the last 10% of the human genome, at some point in TEH FUTURR! on a research station in TEH SPAYCE! and TEH MONSTARRS! happen. Doom is a movie about a dynamic and racially balanced group of people with fancy hi tech stuff in space in the future. I'm sure there's a big "I'll kill anything, grr." guy, a green cadet who did really well in the simulator, a guy who's a scientist or civilian and hates guns, a wirehead who can fix hack or unlock anything, and a woman wearing a dirty tank top and no bra. Oh yeah, and a kid. A little girl who starts off real scared of the monsters and ends up sticking her tongue out at one after it gets killed. Doom is a movie based on a video game, which is a strike against. Doom is a movie with a guy in a wheelchair, which we already discussed. Doom is a movie starring the rock, which, I'm sorry, just kills it. Doom is going to suck. Mark my words. The Doom movie will suck hard, and die fast - just like a Filipino hooker.

You may have noticed

You may have noticed that a lot of my older posts have dead links.
tough.

Some of those links, the page just died. some of them (especially the pictures I used to post) were hosted on my free web server which went under just before I went offline. At some point I plan on putting those images back up, but I'll likely never try to track down the old dead links. The web is a dynamic place, and statically linking to points within it is at best a risky endeavour.

I don't get it...

Oh, I see, when the dog tries to fuck the cat - it's cute.
*I* try it - it's bestiality.

What a world we live in.

I'm baaaa-aaack.

I'm back online.
yay me!
it took, uh *cough* a bit longer than expected, but here I am.
yeah, so, Hi.


Hmm, probably should have done that with a bit more panache. Naw.



music of the moment: "Pork Soda" by Primus. Maybe it's something similar, you know, like your team lost or your girlfriend used to be a guy... I don't know - it's not like I went to college or anything. I've been listening to unhealthy amount of primus lately. Too much primus makes one odd. er. odd-er.

word of the moment: Hiatus, for obvious reasons. I like that quote in the definition. Now, I am a linguaphile, so you also get flense, adulation, primus and emigre. I define Linguaphile as: Someone who really really enjoys telling you what a linguaphile is. Or: Someone who reads a dictionary without wanting to look up a word. I collect dictionaries...

In the meantime, please enjoy this crap.

I'm still offline, sad face.
This post will contain no alpacas or llamas, or any other hooved mammal,winky face.
It will also not contain any emoticons or chatronyms, because those things move me to odium,smiley face.
This is mostly just a heads-up from a friend's house, laughing out loud.

In other news- what is it with pigs being the breakfast animal?
Has anyone else noticed that the unassuming little porcine end of the meat spectrum has a monopoly on breakfast? Ham, bacon, sausage... ever had a breakfast with chicken? beef sometimes rears it's meaty head, but by and large it is the pig who owns the table before noon. These are the things I wonder about, late at night, when any sane person would be asleep.

Everything is going black...

For the umpteenth time in it's history, the braindump is going offline.
I'm moving.
I'm only moving across town, and I live in a small town. and I mean really small.
But in any case, I will have to wait at least 2 weeks, and maybe
longer before I can afford to get dsl (which I like to pronounce like "diesel") and once again bring the joy of my brain to all my millions of fans.

word of the moment: uh... it's a spanish word for a type of cloth.

music of the moment: what else, baby? granted, that one is about llamas, but we can't blame the unwashed masses for their lack of sophistication, now can we? I can. Stupid unwashed masses.

Foolish jedi...

So, let's say you are confronted by a Jedi Knight- arguably one of the best warriors of all time and space. These guys are feared by evil, which you just happen to be.
This guy gently strokes the handle of his lightsaber as he tries the good old jedi mind trick on you, attempting to make you think or do something you normally wouldn't do.
Now you- you're lucky. You are a member of a race of beings who are immune to mind tricks, or you've got some sort of special training which lets you overcome them.
What is your course of action? Do you:

• scream and run away like a little girl?


• pretend it worked on you so you can get the upper hand?


• draw your weapon and hope for the best?


• immediately say "Jedi mind tricks don't work on me because (reason)!"

Well, according to George Lucas, the answer is always the last one, always.
jabba, that one flying penis bug thing , and now at least 2 characters in the video game i've been playing- Knights of the old republic 2: the sith lords. All of them- right away- went "Hey! That's a jedi mind trick! HAHAHAHAHAHA those don't work on me, silly jedi! I am teh smart!" Whatever. I read that The Darth is only gonna show up for like 5 minutes at the end of this movie, leaving The Lucas plenty of time to fill the rest of the movie with jar jar and amazing special effects.

music of the moment: "boogie chillun" by john lee hooker. And then "speed" by atari teenage riot. next it'll probably be some fucking polka or something.
word of the moment: it just blows my mind to see that. I mean really.
In other news:
You Know You Are a Star Wars Geek When: You use the term "carbon scoring" without any other justification in normal, non-star wars conversation. I did this yesterday, talking about this credit card I saw that had been on fire, with the carbon scoring and the meltiness.

Aye Aye, Cap'n

i have a problem with using capital letters at the beginning of sentences and in proper nounS. and you can go fuck yourselF. at least i usually use periodS

I'm so angst-y

So I was thinking of becoming a Goth Loser.
I'd change my name to foxglove, strife, or odium- or maybe something *really* gothy, like... crimson skye wolfesbane nihilist.
I'd have to buy a lot more black velvet, black lace, and black vinyl.
Of course, one can't be a real goth without having an unnatural fixation on bands from england that suck.
You also need to write shitty poetry equating death with the wilting of flowers or something equally drab and overdone, like talking about how black your soul is or using a euphemism like "lightless abyss" to talk about your life, or your hair.
Also, I'm going to have to dye my hair black. black as night, black as coal. You can't be gothy without black hair. Ok, maybe pink.
I'm going to have a hard time trying to be pathetic all the time. This seems to be a main goal among the goth population, looking depressed all the time, like somebody just ate your puppy- all the while looking like you really just despise everybody you see.
Oh, and never ever ever ever call youself a goth. Except for all the time. I'm going to have to master that particular art, the constantly referencing my lifestyle- coupled with constantly denying that I constantly reference my lifestyle. It's like gay people who wear feather boas all the time, speak with a lisp, say FABULOUS! a lot, and can't seem to shut up about all the gay sex they have all the time because they're gay and they really wanted everybody in the immediate vicinity to know that they were indeed gay in case there was any doubt- who then complain about people persecuting them because of their lifestyle. Hey, I'm straight, and I don't constantly talk about hittin' the poon. There is a place called restraint. I suggest you visit it once in a while. They have good cheese fries.

music of the moment: "one nation" by soulfly. they aren't from england. they are from brazil. well, max is- I don't know about the rest of them. But they rock hard, and this song is about racism not being cool. Ok, after that is "hot hot hot" by ll cool j, who is from queens, new york. This song is about... constantly hittin' the poon.

link of the moment: goth, the definition of which uses the word lugubrious, which sounds dirty, but isn't.

As a side note: Turn safe search ON before searching for the word "gay" in google's image search. Just a pointer.

This, That, and some other Things.

I got a new toy.
This toy, specifically.
I got the 256 meg version, which is a bit anemic for my mp3 collection, which is visible from the moon. Tribes in South America revere and worship my mp3 collection as a god, a terrible god of cacophony and discord, a god who speaks every word in every language all at once, and when he speaks- the earth trembles. In any case, let's say my mp3 collection is substantial. So a 256 meg player, while teeny by comparison, lets me put 40 or so songs on it, but that kinda works out, because it encourages me to change the files often (which is remarkably easy, thanks to the unit showing up as a removable drive when you plug it into usb). it also has a (lousy) fm tuner, and the ability to record both (lofi) voice and (less lofi) radio. Also the thing is frigging tiny. I tossed it into a shirt pocket to record environmental noise when I went to buy a cappucino from a gas station. (which, I'd like to go on the record as saying that gas station cappucino tastes just great.)
But enough about the player, let's talk about the high quality earbuds it came with. Don't get me wrong, they sound tinny and distant, as all earbuds should, but I don't care about that. I care about the fact that they make my ears hurt- bad. 15 minutes of wearing these things and my ears hurt. I want to to drastic things to make the pain stop. So I've taken to carrying around my main headphones to listen to it. My main headphones are so large that the player fell off my desk once, and I didn't notice. So my solution is to buy something like these. The biggest problem with those, however, is that they cost over 200 bucks, and then you have to buy some kind of amp, unless you get the hi-gain version for portable players. I assume these would be more comfortable, given that they sit inside the actual ear canal and seal with foam, rather than jamming into the ear and sealing via distending the surrounding tissue to fit.
In other news, I've noted that I have this odd tendency to quote rap lyrics in my posts. I've not figured out why yet.

word of the moment: bifurcated, since I was on about medical terms last post, I figured I'd go with something else overly complicated; namely this word, which means that something has split into 2 parts.

music of the moment: "forty six & 2" by tool. 46 and 2 is the christ consciousness grid. Basically, a bunch of idiots have this theory about evolution (described here) and tool wrote a song about it.

Like a pimp I'm pimpin'. Got a boat to eat shrimp in. Nothing wrong with my leg- I'm just B-boy limpin'.

napemonkey

So this post is mostly all about napes.
I was discussing star wars episode III (attack of the suck) with a friend of mine, and mentioned that somebody should check the nape of George Lucas's neck for the body snatcher, and then I got off on this thing about napes, because I really like that word. Apparently, the only thing called a nape is the back of your neck. It's the part covering your occipital bone. I also like occipital, as a word. And quoit, and notwithstanding.
But I digress.
I think they should use nape as a drop-in replacement for pelt, so I could say "I got a coin purse made from a monkey nape. A big monkey, 'cuz I be paid."
you can also do up your hair in a style called a nape knot. That nape knot link shows further proof that hairstylists for some reason tend to have really shitty hair. That dude looks like kenny g, for god's sake. and half the 'celebrity' hairstylists are bald, or have a bleached-out buzzcut or something. I don't get it.

word of the moment: arsenic, just because.

music of the moment: "hem of your garment" by cake.