So I got a job. I now work for... well, I won't mention the name - but let's just say it's the largest company in the world, headquarted in Bentonville, Arkansas and mascotted by a smiley face - and leave it at that. I'll be doing what I apparently love - floor maintenance. I am a Floor Maintenance Technician, or Mop Jockey for short. I do enjoy it. I mean, I'm in a company totally dedicated to customer service - but in a position where I'll never see any customers.
word of the moment: salubrious - one of those words that sounds dirty but isn't. I mean, just say it a couple times, slowly - Salubrious. Saluuuuuubrious. Nasty, ain't it? Know what salubrious means? Conducive to health. Eating your vegetables and sleeping are salubrious activities. A real downer of a word, if you ask me, which you wouldn't have.
current music: "'A' Is For Apathy" by Powerman 5000. "Everybody's here but nobody showed up." Yeah...
And I don't think "mascotted" is a real word. Lemme check... nope. I don't care tho. Now it is. I just invented it. I'm a rogue lexicographer, as of this moment. If I put some word that doesn't exist in here and it isn't just a typo - I did it on purpose and intend to spread that word into common usage through this medium. just remember that. And the opposite of "Mini" is "Wumbo", according to Patrick Star.
Sam's Place
Rammstein, Pornography
I got a .torrent of every cd Rammstein has put out. I've been listening to german industrial metal all day, and it's been doing things to me. I'm different now. I want to grind things. I want to wear military gear and rubber pipes and sing in german. But I'll get over it.
I also downloaded lots and lots of porn. Mostly pictures, so it's not like I have to go buy a 50pack of dvd-r media to hold it all - but it's still a lot of porn. I have an excuse for it now, tho. I got an idea for a weird picture involving lots of porn pictures. I'll post it when I make it.
current music: Rammstein - all of it. Actually, my playlist has 82 Rammstein songs, and 1 Bloodhound Gang song - "You're Pretty When I'm Drunk." It's right after "Wollt Ihr Das Bett In Flammen"
Word Of The Moment: Prurient, as in "In the prurient interest", which is how you determine if something is offensive and should be banned, or if it's sexxxxxayy, and should be masturbated to. Prurience is an inordinate interest in sex. So it's every human male between 13-18.
hard words
The past couple of posts have been made with a program called "hello", by picasa software, who I can't be bothered to go find and link to right now. Basically it's an instant messenger that allows you to upload pics to a server for purposes of blogging. It has other purposes, I'm sure - but I don't care.
word of the moment: syzygy - It's the first WOTM that I didn't know the meaning of to begin with. syzygy is when the sun, moon, and earth all line up. It's also the shortest word in the english language where Y appears 3 times. and It's a bot in Unreal Tournament 2003. The pronunciation key looks like cuneiform, but you say "siss-i-gee" with the I being pronounced like in fish.
Testing
Testing, testing, one two three...
testing comments. whee.
This is to test the comments, which I just now turned on.
Please feel free to comment on any and all posts I make in here.
I'd especially love it if you point out my spelling errors, grammatical mistakes, and false assumptions - that's what the internet is for, after all.
Actually, I would really appreciate comments on any past post you find interesting, funny, offensive - whatever. I crave the attention.
Of course, if you have mastery of time travel, feel free to comment on future posts as well.
garfield is the worst movie ever.
There, I said it. Not much else to discuss, I guess.
word of the moment: schlock - as in the elvis impersonation and james brown dance a certain orange cgi cat did in a certain worst movie ever to sully a movie screen.
current music: It's "Garfield is the worst movie ever" by the catbeaters.
Good lord that movie sucks.
In other news - I guess the banana worked.
Did I just do that?
Did I really just go on a "Kids These Days" diatribe - about video games? What a weird time to grow old. Sonny, back in my day, bikes didn't have suspension, candy bars cost 50 cents, and video games were goddamned hard! and heavily pixelated, too - we didn't have no 16X full screen adaptive anti-aliasing at 1600X1200@245fps. Our games were blocky, in 16 colors, and slow. And we were glad to have them! Mario Bros 3 was a technological wonder, damnit! (shakes cane)
Rockman
Anybody remember MegaMan? I know they're up to megaman X9++ ultra, but do you remember MegaMan 1? Before he had all those friends and a robot dog and stuff? I saw this game with 10 classic MegaMan games, and went "Hey, that'd be cool! Oldschool MegaMan kicked ass!" But then I remembered - MegaMan was really fucking hard. I got my ass handed to me every time I played those games, even when I used a game genie. It's like "Make this damn-near impossible jump, but try not to land on the 42 spiky things that can leap halfway across the screen, and also avoid the flying things that will knock you into that bottomless pit there, and also you have to jump right now because the floor you're standing on is falling into the aforementioned pit." I just wanted to say that. MegaMan was really really hard. All these kids now don't know what hard is. They beat quake 3 and think they're badass. If games were dives, MegaMan would be the triple lindey, and quake 3 would be a cannonball. I'm just saying.
current music: "Duality" by Slipknot. In the video, tons of angry teens tear this house to shit. I remember "There Goes The Neighborhood" by Body Count, where the band tore up an abandoned trailer, and the video got banned for being too violent. I like both videos.
word of the moment: Juggernaut A juggernaut is a terrible force that destroys all in its path, like democracy. It's also one of the representations of krishna in the hindu faith. And a supervillain. I hope Juggernaut winds up in X-men 3. He's a badass.
reciprocity revisited
In reference to yon post, I guess 3 participants doesn't actually constitute an orgy.
word of the moment: menage a trois - obviously. This is three people, fucking one another, in unison. The actual definiton differs somewhat from what every single living human being considers a menage a trois, but to hell with every single living human being - what do they know?
bonus word: orgy - which, of course, is much like the previous in that every single living human being that doesn't study ancient greece thinks it means "lots of people fucking in a big room", even though the original meaning is somewhat different. But like I said - to hell with every single living human being.
Fucking Marketing Scum
So, the Fucking Marketing Scum slithered out from under their rocks and decided that the world needs more ads. And they decided that the most ad-poor place - is your supermarket produce section. I've got bananas - with a sticker on them telling me to see Garfield, the movie. I am personally offended by this. This is worse than the FMS trying to get ads on a space shuttle, or tombstones - both of which have been attempted. Fucking Marketing Scum.
current music: It's "God Hates Us All" - another upbeat work from those model citizens, Slayer. The album was released on sep 11, 2001, which is when some bad thing happened, I can't remember what. something about Iraq crashing our planes or something. If you're into angry thrashy heavy music with an anti-religious bent, I highly recommend it. Otherwise, you'll probably hate it, and come to hate me for mentioning it - and I'll be fine with that, because I already hate you, fucker.
word of the moment: I couldn't find a suitable page with the definition, but this word of the moment is lagnonector. A lagnonector is a person who kills in order to have sex with the corpse. Fun fun. here's a page with a bunch of sex and pregnancy terms starting with the letter L, including lagnonector.
Reciprocity
A few posts back I said I didn't think "fop" meant anything. It does.
I remembered, I own this really crappy dictionary, and it includes fop as part of a 3-way orgy of reciprocal definitions. A Fop is a dude or a dandy, a dude is a fop, and a dandy is a dude, or a fop. Clears that up.
This is the same dictionary that had simile, but not metaphor. Yeah.
word of the moment: fop - I mean, what else would it be in this post? Dictionary.com does a hell of a lot better job at explaining what a fop is. And I was right - it is a bad thing.
Dinosaurs Are Getting Expensive.
As a reference to this post, read This Post from way back in July of 2001. I was upset about the price of gas. Pissed, even. Gas was like 1.20 a gallon then. The national average is now dangerously close to 2.00 a gallon. My parents talk about when gas was 50 cents a gallon, waaaaaaaay back when they were kids, before I was born. Now I can tell teenagers "I remember when gas was HALF the price it is now." And they'll go "Yeah, me too. it was 4 years ago." Economists say that when you take inflation into account, gas is actually nowhere near record highs. Fuck economists. Economists should look at me. I was making 7.50 an hour in 1998 when gas was 1.00 a gallon. A month ago I was making 7.50 an hour - and gas was 1.97 a gallon. Inflation can go fuck itself. When my wages inflate to match everything else, I'll be ok with the price of gas. The heirs of all those prehistoric creatures who became the oil which became the gas we're paying so much for should sue somebody. It's the Amurican way.
current music: "Satan Gave Me A Taco" by Beck. I love that song.
word of the moment: inflation - Including the quote "In inflation everything gets more valuable except money." I'll just let that one stand on it's own.
Go on, brush your shoulders off.
Said the ladies they love me - from the bleachers they screamin'
all the ballers is bouncin' - they like the way I be leanin'
all the rappers is hatin' off the track that I'm makin'
but all the hustlers they love it just to see one of us make it.
word of the moment: braggadocio ...as the best rapper alive - nigga axe about me.
Use%20underscores%20once%20in%20a%20while.
You know your car is too large when you bottom out on the curvature of the earth.
You know you've had too much coffee when your urine comes out speaking Spanish. (spanish is spoken in Colombia.... think a while, it'll come to you.)
word of the moment: onomatopoeia It's words that sound like what they are. Buzz is a good onomatopoeia. So is whomp.
Immaculate, indeed (biblical sex, wordplay)
I wonder what the virgin Mary's parents thought when she told them she was pregnant, but hadn't actually had sex with Joseph. And did they tell little jesus that Joe was his "uncle" or something? And did Mary and Joseph ever end up actually doing it? I bet her parents went "ohhh... that's wonderful" but were thinking something like "she's been whoring around with that pool boy again, I just bet you. Immaculate, indeed." And I always thought the whole immaculate comception was a little odd, considering that God has a real problem with people conceiving out of wedlock. I don't think God and Mary were married, and although he didn't actually lay her down and make sweet holy love to her down by the fire - he did still impregnate her. And violated one of his biggest rules in the process. Of course, religious folk will go "that's different." or something, but I don't care. I don't get a lot of things, tho. Like why is there a word for a gay woman, but not one for a gay man? If you are homosexual, you can be homosexual or gay, or various other nasty terms - but a gay woman can be more specific - she can be a lesbian. A gay guy can't distinguish his gender - he's just gay. So you have to say "gay man" when gender is required. I also wonder why there isn't a female version of misogynist. There are certainly man-hating women - why isn't there a word for them? Besides bitch or something, I mean. There also isn't a female equivalent of Effeminate, which means 'girly man', basically. Calling a woman 'butch' is asking for a hairy-knuckled fist in the teeth - some things can't be said, no matter how true they are. I have a thing for words, though, which is probably why I sit and wonder about these things when I really ought to be out mowing the lawn or something. I think I want to start a campaign to allow unusual plurals to flourish. I think that most words ending in 's' or 'sh' whould be given weird plurals. Examples: Danish should be Danishae, and Oasis should be Oasii. I'd call it the "Citizenry for odd pluralo" or something. Maybe not, because that would be pronounced "see-fop", and It's been my experience that acronyms containing words like Fop are a bad idea. Fop is one of those words that I don't actually think means anything, but it sounds weird, like it should mean something, and it should be unpleasant.
The Lord's Real Name Is Jim (non-activism)
I wonder if they have a religion/political party/country for people like me. I have the general attitude of "you do your thing and stay the fuck out of mine." People should live right, and treat other people right, and shut the hell up and stop bothering everybody else because they aren't living the right kind of right. Just because I think guns are nifty or The Lord's real name is Jim, doesn't mean I'm doing it wrong. If I thought people with freckles were sent by satan and must die - well that's different. I see people following what I consider to be completely nutty and comically absurd ways of life - and I mean like "the original batman series" absurd - but I let them do their thing. As long as your thing doesn't interfere in other people's things, or hurt or kill other people - go ahead and have fun with it. My way of life has advantages - I don't get all fussy when I see somebody against something I'm for - because I don't care. Let them think the earth is flat - it just means I can laugh about it. Let them worship Buddha or wear tinfoil on their heads or vote for Nader or get naked and dance around a bonfire on the third tuesday of every october because - and this is the important part - I don't. I do my thing, and let everybody else do theirs. I think this should extend everywhere. Let radio and tv carry what people might find obscene. The old addage still stands - if you don't agree with it, don't take part. Don't listen or watch, and let people who want to listen and watch do so, and shut the fuck up about it, you whiny baby. Just because you don't think something should be the way it is doesn't mean everybody else does - or should. I personally practice no religion at all. This tends to upset religious folks, because at the root of it all - I'm doing it wrong. With politics it's easier - I don't vote, and nobody really cares. All the political ads are aimed at people just like me, but I don't watch them. I'm not an "undecided voter", because I've decided - to not vote.
The Complete Service Toilet Store (plumbing fixtures, sexual deviance)
I figured out long ago how I could make a stable living in a market that will never dry up: I could sell toilets. See, *everybody* needs a toilet, at some point. Every house has at least one, and barring some rapid evolution or invention of a new way to remove waste from the home - the toilet is here to stay. There are a very small number of people who don't use them, of course - people living in the mountains who think toilets have transmitters in them so the CIA will know what you eat, and people who, for medical reasons, go in a bag they carry around with them. I know selling toilets isn't glamorous, and I know that people don't just get up one day and go "hey - I think we oughta buy a toilet!", but I think toilets are just about the most stable market there is, short of maybe toilet paper. Of course, if I really wanted to make money, I could film porn on the side. Porn involving toilets. And hermaphrodites. I'm not sure why, but for some reason, a few years ago, the porn industry as a whole decided that girls peeing was sexy. I don't get it. I see nothing at all sexy about a girl taking a leak - not even the voyeur side of it - peeking in a window or something. I can't wrap my brain around what people would find appealing about watching other people urinate. Now, drinking pee, I can see. There's a real obvious dom/sub relationship when you tinkle in somebody's mouth. But just seeing somebody go... I don't get it. I think it was about the same time that the industry (I'm good friends with the porn industry, so I can just call it "the industry, like I'm in the know) decided that guys like women with penises. I think I get this one. I think the industry knows that a lot of guys have those dark urges to try out what their upbringing tells them is taboo: fucking another dude. So there have been ads for some time in the back of porn mags and stuff with pics of guys offering phone sex. These things were aimed, ostensibly, at gay and bi men, but the fact that they appeared in straight porn mages otherwise filled with pics of women taking dick means they obviously played at guys who wanted to try it, but didn't want to actually go find a guy. I think the chicks with dicks ads are the same thing: A guy sees a woman - guys are *supposed* to be having sex with women - that's fine. If "she" has a cock - that's not really technically a guy, right? I mean, just because this woman has a dong and you fuck her in the ass after she gives you a BJ doesn't make you gay, right? Truth is: those pics are either doctored, or the women were. See, there have been maybe 5 actual hermaphrodites in recorded history. An actual woman who just happens to have a dick doesn't exist. Those "women" are in fact guys, gay guys usually, who are taking estrogen and had boob jobs. Which means that were you to actually encounter one of these people in a sexual manner, you would in fact be having sex with a guy, with tits and a girl haircut. But apparently guys don't see it that way, since it seems 2 out of 10 phone sex ads in the back of those magazines has a tranny in the picture. So my toilet business would make extra money making films of tstv's pissing on guys on the toilet. And I suppose I could sell a clear acrylic one to the paranoid guy in the mountains. And maybe if I sold colostomy bags and diapers, I could cover 100% of all people. The complete service toilet store.
For people too drunk to stir (soft, hard drinks)
So, I see this diet coke with lime, and I wonder about things. Firstly, I wonder - does it taste like a cleaning product or something? diet coke with lemon tasted exactly and totally like somebody opened a diet coke and put an alka-seltzer cold'n'flu tablet in it, which is not quite as tasty as it sounds, which is bad because it doesn't sound very tasty at all. But I also wonder - did the coke folk make this because it was the next logical step, citrus-wise, in the fruit chain? Because I mean diet coke with grapefruit or orange sounds like it wouldn't sell very well. But if they didn't just do it because lime comes after lemon - did they do it because some bigwig at coca-cola really digs cuba libres? I mean, the cuba libre is, after all, a rum and coke with some lime juice in it. This product cuts out the middleman, so to speak. That'd be cool if they started making club soda mixed with amaretto or creme de menthe, too. I don't know why you can't just buy a real honest-to-goodness boilermaker or dirty martini in a can. You can buy some rum'n'cola'n'natural'n'artificial flavors in a can, and you can get stuff like mudslides and white russians, but those are pussified 8% alchohol versions, not a bottle with real rum and coke or real kahlua and vodka. I should sell those. "Dr. Twilight's real mixed drinks in a can - for people too drunk to stir" You could use beer math on them, too. "man, I got shitfaced on a sixer of grasshoppers last night." I like how beer gives you one ability: you can multiply, divide, add, and subtract anything to or from the numbers 6, 12, 18, 24, and 30 - in your head, instantly, while half drunk. If there are 4 people drinking, and each is on their 3rd beer, you know instantly, without having to figure anything in your head, that the case is half gone, and that somebody oughta go get another one before you get past the excuse level. See, I think if a cop pulls you over and smells beer, and you go "I had three, I'm fine, dude." - he might just let you go. But if you just pounded back a sixer, you ain't going home tonight. You can't make an excuse for driving around with half a gallon of beer in you - 3 you can manage. "My damn wife is pregnant and I absolutely had to go buy rum raisin ice cream, right now." - to which the cop might say "Stay off the main roads - my wife always wanted pickles and dr. pepper." Even if your wife is barren, that one probably has a good chance of working with 3 beers. but if you've just finished 6 and say "I needsh to buy another cashe", well then, you're going to jail tonight. By the way, "barren" is a terrible way to say a woman can't have a kid for some reason. It makes her sound like an old dried out field or something.
I invented my gods (complete randomness)
Pardon me boy, is that the chatanooga choo-choo? I ask, not because I actually think the frozen food aisle here in the grocery store is a train station, or that I think you, the stock boy, are the engineer or something - but I think it's a good way to start conversation. I mean, I ask you if that display of cap'n crunch is a train, you go "eh?" and then I can go off on a tangent, about how I read on this website about a bunch of people who want to get the cap'n promoted to admiral for some reason. I mean, I wouldn't promote him. I personally know the cap'n, and his place is on his big cartoon boat, not commanding some fleet of cereal-based warships, bound for milkitania, to overthrow the despot ruling it and to free the people, not, as some people think, to let the cartoon cereal mascots have easy access to that country's great stores of milk. I know we already conquered spoonland, and now spoons are cheap and plentiful here, and the new country, The United States Spoonland Federated Territories, is the geographical equivalent of a steaming pile of alpaca manure, only with less nutrients - but at least they are free from the terrible state-enforced free healthcare, education, and utilities. You know, while we're talking about cereal, don't you miss boo-berry crunch? I mean, it was the most godawful tasting bile of a cereal, but it turned your milk *blue*. Anything that makes milk blue without also making it poison is a gift from the gods. Also, I think stuff that makes milk blue *and* poison is a gift from the gods, but I probably worship the wrong gods. I invented my gods. I'm the only person who worships my gods, who mostly deal in turning things different colors. I think my religious system stems from the spiritual experience I had at the crayola factory. See, when I was young, My school went on a tour of the crayola crayon factory, and I got to see all the neat crayons and stuff, but then - They gave me a box of crayons! For free, without me doing anything spectacular or noteworthy. I mean, this guy just walked up and gave me a whole box of my very own crayons. I was so happy I went home and drew gods on the walls of my room with the crayons. Each color was a different god. I have 8. The blue god changes things into blue, but sometimes he also makes them poison. I think he's the bad one. Him and white. That white god hardly does anything, unless I leave like, pudding or something in my fridge for a couple months, then it turns white. But when the white god turns stuff white, it almost always smells real bad and tastes kinda funny. I can't usually remember what it tastes like, but I know the people in the hospital also wear white, which I think the white crayon god makes them do to freak me out. Oh, hey, so if you're the stock boy, and I wanted, say, shark fin, could you go out and catch a shark and defin it for me? Because I want my shark fin to be really really fresh. I make fermented shark fin soup from it. Hey, where are you going?
It begins...
I'm fixing to post my braindumps. These will follow a pattern. I write these things, then pick some odd line from them as a title. So any oddness in the title of each post in entirely intentional. Here we go.
(yawn)
So, I was offline for a long time. And it sucked real real real bad. I mean like real bad. Like it sucked more than a prostitute at a vacuum cleaner store in a black hole. But I lived. I'm now back, and I intend to make a couple changes. Like for example: I ain't linking to the mp3 of songs that get stuck in my head anymore. When I was hosted on a friend's box, that was cool. Aloof hosting (my current host) doesn't allow them, so feh. Right now I'm actually kind of tired and don't feel like doing it, but at some point soon I'll flood this thing with the various stuff I wrote down during "The Dark Ages".
word of the moment: resurrection For obvious reasons. Just look at the date on the last post, for chrissake.