OHMYGODTHEYUPDATEDTHEPAGEANDIWASLIKEWHEEEE!!!!

So, Threebrain added some new 'rock videos' to their list of weird shit. they are the freaks behind the whole WHEEEEE!!! video. well, now they have a video that apple nipple monkey has this one apple nipple monkey line in the apple nipple monkey chorus that apple nipple monkey kinda gets into your apple nipple monkey brain and makes you all apple nipple monkey freaked out. I'll leave you to discover what apple nipple monkey line in the apple nipple monkey chorus I'm apple nipple monkey talking about.
They also have their own take on the A-B-C thing, as in 'A is for AHHH!!!', which they present as a kid's video, because the other video has some apple nipple monkey cursewords in it. go lookee. And while you're there, spend the rest of your mortal life going thru the daily archives. I'll list a couple of my personal favorites here:
Ode to butter.
Stop it, kitty.
Valentine's day song, with hunger-induced psychosis.

Freaky link

Like, Yikes.
I don't know what the hell is going on there. I'm really weirded out.
I bought a bed, tho... Turns out I don't have a queen. I have a full. So I go to the bed store, buy a full size mattress, get it home, realize it's the same size as my old bed, smack my forehead and say DOH! real loud, then go back to the mattress store and trade it in for a twin. then I go to walmart and use the difference to buy a sheet set and a new pillow. One thing: Bedclothes for twin beds are fucking cheap. I spent like 15 bucks on a sheet set and a pillow. the same stuff for a queen size would be 25-30... I'm starting to like this little bed. I don't have a box spring, tho, so I'll have to get that, and a frame, with my next paycheck.

Quck "before work" edition

So I went out and bought that sixer of honey weiss, and I also got a bottle of benedictine, because that was the first place I saw that carried it. benedictine is a sweet french herbal liqueuer, made from - well, that's just it - the recipe is secret. but it's pretty good. I only had a sip, because I have to be at work in like 20 minutes and this stuff is 80 proof, but I did have me a honey weiss... I also plan on buying a new bed when I get a day off. The queen size I sleep on now, well, I've slept on it for upwards of 7 years now, and my mom gave it to me when she bought a new one anyway, so it's getting kinda old and wore out. plus it's huge. I wanna go out and buy me a full, mostly because my roomates have a full size box spring I can use.

Well, with benedictine, that narrows my "liquor I gotta try" list down to advocat (dutch egg and cream liqueuer), aquavit (danish vodka flavored with carroway), and absinthe. well, not absinthe because it's illegal here, but maybe absente or something designed to taste like absinthe without having wormwood in it. In any case, I gotta go. Outtie like a belly button, G.

Drugs are good, mmkay?

So Here's something. It's a page on the white house site that shows the different slang terms for drugs. Hilarious. Even funnier, The boys at Brunching shuttlecocks have made This page, which translatestext on a webpage to 'drug slang'. given the fairly large database, this makes for a lot of laughs.

On another note: Go here, enter your (over 21) age, go to the "taproom" area, click on "honey weiss", and you'll be face to face with my new best friend. Leinenkugel's Honey Weiss is the most amazing beer. light and refreshing without tasting like all the other crap american beers. and it is a bit sweet, but just a bit. I found this at a local liquor store, bought a bottle just because honey in beer sounded cool, and I'm gonna go buy me a 6 pack tomorrow morning. Of course, I still like stout, and This one is my favorite so far. Uh.. I don't have anything else to say, so like, bye.

Now THIS is irritating.

See, I work a lot, and I planned to use my two days off to go out and take me some pictures. I had it all planned out: I had gatorade and water so I didn't dehydrate in the hot sun, I had my batteries charged up, I got my cam back from sar, along with his mutated telescope tripod, I was *ready*. and I wake up today - and it's raining. Even if it quits raining, it'll be all muddy out there, and it's going to be overcast all day, which will make all my pics look sad and crappy. Whee.
In other news: Check this out. They don't sell a weather machine, tho, so screw 'em.

w00t!




I got some new hardware! yay! my poor old k6-2 500 recently got a massive hardware upgrade. I figured, I can't tell enough people, so I'll put it here. I had a 40 gig hard drive, and it was full (like, less than 100 megs free, with no games or anything installed) thanks to my gloriously fast cable internet. I bought an 80 gig drive to bring my total giggage up to 120, allowing me to pirate software with wild abandon (come get me, BSA biatches!). and I got a 16x dvd and a 32X12X48 cdrw and another 128 meg stick of ram (bringing me up to 320 megs). So my ide bus is full up, no room at the inn, standing room only... then my system sat for a while, with me hammering on the poor 80 gig, until a couple days ago. a couple days ago I got: a GeForce 4 MX 440, some (cheap) flat panel speakers with a subwoofer, and a compact flash card reader. I got the reader because I was tired of having to plug in my damned camera and drain the batteries while I waited umpteen minutes to get all my random pictures of spots on the ground on disk. This reader acts as a removeable drive (drive J:, in my case) and I can just pop in mr. flash card and drag the aforementioned pictures onto the disk. I also got another 64 meg compact flash card, so I can have twice as many pictures of spots on the ground.
Next on the list is the cpu, but thsi will be a bit pricey, as I want to upgrade to an athlon xp, and I'll have to buy the cpu, motherboard, and some ddr ram before I can run it. but oh well, I have time....

Black Gold



So I never liked beer, but for some reason, I really like Stout. wait - I like STOUT. STOUT kinda kicks you in the mouth. tastes like burnt chocolate and nuts.
Guinness makes the best and most popular STOUT, but this leads me to a question: What the hell is it with liquor/beer companies having webpages loaded with flash and music? Stolichnaya, beefeater, Kahlua, Budweiser... you get the picture.

Back From The Dead



Straight out tha casket - risen' up

open up ya eyes - can't ya see me?

what the fuck is this madness?

pick up my bones

erase my name from off the tombstone

alive and kickin' - breathin' the air

call out my name punk and I'll be there

no question

my suggestion to the action

caught smack dab in the middle of the blastin

messin wit me - ya messin wit da best

BLAU! ya takin' two shots to ya chest.



Cuz' I'm back from the dead.


-"back from the dead" - house of pain.

Twinkies!

Ok, so I've only just now decided to revive this blogger. Yeah, I have That Other Weblog Thing, but that has a more formal feel. I only post there if I really have something to say, or if I put up a new gallery or the like. This blogger was always for whatever was on my mind. Stupid random links, any random thought or idea I had, anything about monkeys... so I figure, if you want to see my creative-writing-class self, or my art and photography galleries, go to Spauldonet. If you want to know what color my last shit was, or what I'm gonna do with all these ostriches, read this. On that note - it's RANDOM LINK TIME!!!!!! YAY!!!!!

Errorwear Embrace your computer problems.They have t-shirts with various computer and web errors on them. They have THREE blue screen of death shirts. 3. not just the old skool win9x blue screen of cdr101 - but the nt debug screen (the *real* bsod - the one you only see when your shit ain't coming back.) and the win2000 "friendly" bsod. the one that says "all your base are belong to us. sorry, man.". I want a shirt with "the current drive is no longer valid" on it...

Dan's Data I have become a daily reader of this site. This is a guy in Australia who reviews computer hardware, mostly, but he also has a few other hobbies, like remote controlled tanks and sparkler bombs... His writing style is hilarious, and he likes taking things apart to see what's in 'em. I used to do that, but my mom stopped letting me have pets.

peep Delta Airlines, beeyatch. It's an airline commercial, in ebonics, with the ebonics done by a white ad-guy. funny shit. It's in flash, so if you can't view flash.... well, if you honestly can't view flash, it's time to give up the ship. the internet holds no promise for you. Go read a book.

Well, that about clears it up. By the by, my last one was a rich chocolate brown, and kinda spongey. You know, those ones that are all sticky and take forever to clean up? Well, this was one of those.

Wow, I must have died or something.


Seems it's been about, ohhh... (looks at watch) 6 months since I last posted. Well, I've been busy. Like, really really really busy. Doing THIS

Yeah, Me and a friend of mine started up another site, so this one kinda fell by the wayside, whatever the hell the wayside is. Go there instead.

Wanted

Wanted: One brave American willing to hijack a plane in afghanistan, while the plane is full of afghan people, and crash it into something important in afghanistan. the trouble will be finding in afghanistan worth crashing a plane into.
I always wondered why we named our warm fluffy afghans after such a crappy hot worthless wasteland in the middle of nowhere.
At least they don't keep attacking my ottoman. Stupid mongol hordes.

I'll kill you all!!!!

Go to My Normal Site. I've been doing this weblog for upwards of a year, and I only just now built a whole page to wrap around it.
actually, I built like 5 pages. I've gone and made a clearinghouse of all my random webpage ideas. every once in a while, I'll think up some random page, and build it. but I have no content to put up on these pages - I just think up the basic look and feel of it. So I went and made my page a starting point to go look at all my other pages. I also built a page called ++caffeine+based+life+form++, which is kind of a weblog, too. odd, huh?

"Vee have vays ov makink you talk." "What?"

So I wonder how small a post I could get away with...

Did you get me a pony?

It's my birthday today. I'm 25. Now you can all go track me down based on the information you have and steal my life just like in that one movie - "the net". Not like anybody would want my life. My life is a lot like a truck I used to have. I had a datsun truck, and the doors would decide to stop opening on occasion, and it had a problem with starting in the cold. So I would leave the door open with the truck running when I went in places. I bet theives just walked by it shaking their heads and looking for something worth the effort. My life is pretty much like that. I could staple my social security card to a tree in the front yard and nobody would even bother with stealing my life. Even if I somehow got ahold of some super secret spy data, they'd probably just come over and kill me before they bothered with stealing my life. I'm in a real happy place now, in case you didn't notice...

Deplane, boss, deplane!

Tattoo, how do you expect them to deplane when they're still in the air?

HACKED BY CHINESE!

uh, like, this post has been H4><0R3|)
\/\/00T!!!
Damn, for some reason I just feel the need to rub my dick on the top of a person's head. I don't know why, but for like 3 days, every time I see a newscaster talking about really serious issues like heat related deaths and war in the middle east, I get this urge to be there, flopping my unit around on the top of their head.
"In other news, (zip) kuzhijkbekhistan declared war on vuzhijkbekhistan (flop), citing religious differences (flop flop)." I bet I could do that to Dan Rather, and he'd maintain his composure. He'd be all deadpan, talking about how some housewife burst into flames going out to get her mail, and I'd be just whipping my trouser snake around on his toupee. That'd be fucking hilarious.

I'm a lot happier now.

So, if the price of prozac rises, does it bum out the people on it to the point where they need more prozac, which makes them more depressed, since they are spending more money?
I have a truck. YAY! I have been without a vehicle of my own for a couple of years now. the last car I had ended up in the witness protection program. I was an abusive driver. I kicked the car, I drove it beyond what it was built to endure, I treated it like a 4X4 and it was an Ltd. The head cracked on it, so it would sort of stop running every once in a while, once it got hot. When the car stopped, I got upset and kicked it - a lot. poor car. fuckin' chunk of shit. Anyway, now I have a truck. a 1985 mitsubishi, actually, which I have named the Shitsubishi. I sense another abusive relationship coming. I bought it today, and it needs a starter. I have to push start it. yay.

I am a joyful pomegranate.

My job is the most boring thing I've ever done, and I can stare at the ceiling fan for hours. I walk around and spray water on a parking lot. But my job is so much more than that. So many more things add to the utter boredom. I use a gas powered sprayer, so there is the constant mechanical drone, and that's all I hear. The only thing I see is concrete, since I have to watch where I am spraying. So I walk around looking at the nozzle on this sprayer, and all I can hear is an engine running. I do this for ~6 hours a night. As a result of being bored out of my mind all night every night, I have decided to go insane. I think I'll take a few months to descend into madness, to see if I like it. Then once I have myself to keep me company, I won't be bored anymore.

A few of my least favorite things.

I fucking hate the sun. And toothaches. And pretty much everything else when I'm sunburned with a toothache.
And now, after coming in to work at 6 am for three days, I have to come in to work at 10 pm, so my internal clock is in chaos. Much like the rest of me.
Fuck you, sun. piss off. I have to work outside. Outside under the unforgiving stare of the white hot sun. Sun, go fuck yourself. Eclipse already. So here I am working outside, in a legendary heat wave. it's been 100 and up for the last two weeks. got up to 106 today. While I was outside. Outside in a glass building in the middle of a parking lot. Everybody feel sorry for me. Because the sun is just laughing it up at my expense.

Apologies are in order.

A couple posts back I incorectly identified the United States Postal Fucking Service as the United States Fucking Postal Service. I apologize for any inconvenience this has caused, and I apologize to the United States Fucking Postal Service Pizzaria in Tampa, Florida for the extra mail and phone calls I have caused you.

And now, I would like to sing a little song for you:

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
Spongebob Squarepants!
Absorbent and yellow and porous is he.
Spongebob Squarepants!

I'm only partially here.

Man, being tired sucks. I could go to sleep and fix this problem, but I'm an idiot and addicted to the computer, so here I sit, blurry vision and all, typing some random non-thoughts into this post. I'll read this tomorrow and go "What the hell was I thinking?" and then I'll probably think "I need to sleep more." or possibly "Man, a twinkie would hit the spot right now." Speaking of twinkies - what the hell is wrong with Hostess, or whoever the hell it is that makes twinkies.... oompa loompas, probably. Anyway, twinkies were the same for millions of years, having evolved from the sea sponge. The common twinkie developed a defense mechanism - spooge - that ensured the survival of the species by rendering the twinkie inedible. Humans eventually evolved a resistance to this horrible poison, and began eating the otherwise tasty twinkies in vast quantities. The twinkie population was in danger of being wiped out by fat people, so they began to evolve toxins even more horrible than that white spooge crap in their body cavities. A few years ago, twinkies developed a chocolate coating. This chocolate coating was like toxic waste, plus it turned the flesh of the twinkie into a substance not unlike foam rubber. This variant of the twinkie apparently had some fatal flaw, because they vanished rather quickly. now, a new horror has arisen within the very flesh of the twinkie. I think they are called "tiger tail" or something, and they have what appears to be generic berry goo spiraling around the body of the twinkie. We humans will eventually develop a resistance to this as well, and the twinkie will be forced to develop something even more horrible. maybe a marshmallow and coconut coating.

I'm buying a bicycle.

The dagnabbed gol-durned price of gas has me all red in the face, like when I stuck my head in the fry-daddy. Now, way back in the way back, gas was like a dollar a gallon where I live. A buck sounds just about right. It works. Then out of nowhere, the price of gas had a spasm and suddenly it cost like a buck seventy to buy a damned gallon of gas. When I was just a young pyromaniac, before I had any bodily hair to accidentally burn off, a dollar would buy me a whole afternoon of fun, flames, and fumes. If gas did that knee-jerk price thing when I was a kid, I would have been so bummed out, I probably would have been forced to go to the pool or something else totally unfun. I have a friend with an econobox - one of those cars the size of a midget's athletic supporter. It gets like 700 miles to the gallon, which is good because it has a 10 gallon tank. I prefer the land yachts - cars that need 11 gallons to prime the carb. Anyway, this friend had to spend damn near twenty bucks to fill up his tank. This car is the size of a hamster skull, and it costs 20 bucks to fill it up. If I had a car (I'm usually a jobless bum), I'd probably have something that was 30 feet long and weighed 18 tons, and had a beeper thing for when I backed it up - not that I would ever back it up, because the back window is so far away that I can't see anyting thru it. I like these cars. These cars have time zones - they affect the tides. But if I had one of these cars, I'd be paying upwards of the total net worth of Oregon to fill up the gas tank. Now, the gas price hike isn;t really what pissed me off. What pissed me off is the fact that gas prices dropped, and then they leveled off around 1.20. Gas got up to like 2.50 in some places, and now it's down to like 1.20-1.50, and we are supposed to be thankful for gas prices being so low. I have news for you: Gas prices are still high. Remember before, when gas was a dollar? Now it is "back down" and it's still at least 1.20. Somebody is laughing their asses off over this, and it ain't the general populous. The general populous is scared shitless at the gas prices. Travelling salesman were paying so much for gas that they drew no profit. The United States Fucking Postal Service was going to drop Saturday deliveries because of gas prices. And young pyromaniacs everywhere have to shell out more money for their activities. Money they could be using for more productive things, like matches.

PIMPCHICKEN!

And now, another adventure of Pimpchicken, the Chicken who also happens to be a pimp.
One day, Pimpchicken was out strolling the street, keeping tabs on his Hoechickens, when his arch-nemesis, Pimpfox, struts his way. Pimpfox was pimping his Hoefoxes on Pimpchicken's territory, and Pimpchicken was none too happy about that. "What do you think you doing pimping yo hoes on my turf, suckuh?", said Pimpchicken, with a scowl on his beak. To this, Pimpfox replied "I be pimping my Hoefoxes any damn where I want, chicken!". Now, Pimpchicken was enraged at this, and he was just about to whip out his pimp stick and lay the smack down on the ol' Pimpfox, when the farmer came out of the barn and shot Pimpfox with a big old shotgun. 2 days later, Pimpchicken was strolling the street again, keeping tabs on his Hoechickens, and the farmer came back. "Yo, you want one of my bitches, bitch?", said Pimpchicken, and with that, the farmer grabed Pimpchicken by the throat and snapped his neck. The farmer then threw Pimpchicken into the bed of his truck and drove out behind the barn to the burning pit. 2 days later, there was a new Pimpchicken.

Why Can't Johnny Read?

I think I spilled my brains out a month ago, 'cuz I haven't had the inspiration to post here. Right now I'm flying by the seat of my pants, and the seat of my pants has worn thin from all the sitting on this chair in front of this computer missing this life. Maybe I should become a dominatrix... hold on, I think you have to be a woman to do that. What is a male dom called? Dominator. Yeah... I AM THE DOMINATOR!!! I like it. It has a real "I am the Dominator" ring to it. Anyway, I was thinking I might become a Dominator so I could not post for a month and blame on all the worthless scum who read this thing. Something like "I didn't post for a month because I didn't feel like it. Deal, scum." Naw. I'm not a born leader, which is weird, since I'm a leo and I'm supposed to be a leader. Fuck it, here's some links:

National Geographic has a page all about Coffee (All hail Coffee). Coffee (Coffee be praised) is my god. I worship the holy triumverate: Coffee (Coffee bless me), Juan Valdez, and a blurry, vibrating frog (what? it's not as strange as the stuff in the bible.)Go read the page, and leave an offering of non-dairy creamer or sugar by your Coffee Maker.

Galileo is flipping you off. Galileo's body got moved at some point in the past, and when it was, somebody yanked the middle finger out of his right hand. I can only assume they had a really bad booger and didn't want to be caught with their own finger up their nose. Oddly Enough, this site is on NASA's webpage...

AdCritic In case you don't know about it yet, AdCritic is a site that puts all the best commercials on the web. I watch the superbowl for the commercials, I have no interest whatsoever in all the football playing that surrounds them.

A Toast is in Order

HAPPY 85TH POST!!!!! This is the 85th time I've bothered you. I've had 85 posts to this weblog. Well, 84, and this one celebrating. I guess this qualifies as a post, but it doesn't seem right, being a post strictly about how many posts I've made. Hell, I've had posts consisting of some random link... I even had one that said simply: "What am I gonna do with all these ostriches????" So yeah, happy 85th post. Here's to another 72!!!

Damn Monkey

So I figured I'd post a quick update about my creature in Black and White, just for the hell of it.
My ape was a kind, if fairly maladjusted creature. I had taught him to cast the shower miracle on fields, and I taught him how to put trees into the village store. when he came across a cow, he threw it, since I used some cows to teach him how to throw. So he ate sheep and threw cows. And then he developed this compulsion to water fields. This is all he would do. My damned ape would walk around watering the hell out of farmland until he passed out. He also turned the wood gathering ability into a potentially nasty habit - he kicks trees. So now my ape will decide to kick random trees in random directions. He does this because I was neglecting him. I spent probably half an hour chucking fireballs at a nearby village that was out of my circle of influence, and my poor little ape became a little bastard. Did I mention that he has an affinity for making breeders? I led him to a village to try and win it over to my side, so he starts watering farmland like a good little monkey, so I went off to tend to other godly things. I come back to see my ape creating breeders as fast as he could pick up villagers. Oh yeah, now he eats people. I have Black and White installed on a friend's computer, since my GhettoPC won't run it. This friend played for a while on my profile instead of creating another. When I get back to the game - I'm partially evil, and my ape has developed a taste for villager. So now I have a creature who: Eats sheep but throws cows, Poos on trees, but is just as likely to kick a tree instead, Has a compulsive need to create breeders and water farms, and eats humans...

tH1S p0St HaS b33n HaX0r3d!!!! W00T!!!

The International Consortium of Web Bosses has determined, after much deliberation, that Hackers do indeed 0wN j00. Much has been done to stop this threat, but it appears that the hackers are just too l33t.
The Hacker Coalition of Earth (Fargo Office) replied with the statement "r0X0R!!! W33 0wN j00!!!" The complete illegibility of this response was attributed to the fact that the average member age in the HCE is 13. I can't sympathize with these idiots who hack for fun, but I think I know why they do it. They hack for the same reason I used to set fires to pools of gasoline and staple junebugs to the wall; they can. had I been exposed to computers earlier, I might have become a hacker. Although, since I have subversive and destructuve tendancies, I would have most likely been a Cracker (ATTN MEDIA: CRACKERS ARE BAD, HACKERS NOT SO MUCH.) I spend my time online looking at disturbing webpages and downloading massive amounts of pirated software and violating copyrights with wild abandon (ATTN "THE MAN": EAT ME.) These hackers' lives are consumed by the one activity - hacking. They spend all day organizing denial of service attacks and looking around for credit card numbers. (well, that would make them crackers, but let's not mince words). Most of these hackers are what is known as a "script kiddie", which is the cyber equivalent of a wannabe. They will spend all day using programs written by other people - programs they do not understand and can barely use - to do their evil deeds for them. Had they been without computers, they would have been with the big group of white kids wearing red and calling themselves "Bloods", while actually being terrifed that a *real* gang would become irritated with them and kill them all. Both groups work off the same principle: there is strength in numbers. If you're in a gang, you're a lot less likely to be beaten up, since you have a dozen or so of your closest g's with you. In hacking, much of what they do involves multiple computers, or multiple hackers coordinating one event. Maybe if we gave these kids something else fun and antisocial to do, they'd cut out all this foolishness. I say pellet guns. Pellet guns kept me out of (serious) trouble, because I would spend most of my time taking pot shots at animals and milk jugs. Pellet guns for all, and all our problems will be solved - and quickly replaced with all new pellet gun-related problems.

Darkness, And Lack Thereof.

I am in love. I've never been in love before, and it's a new and exciting time for me. My newfound love, the one who completes me, whom I love without compromise, is published by Lionhead studios and developed by Peter Molyneaux. I'm talking about Black and White, the most amazing game to ever be released for any platform. I'm not biased or anything (go buy it now) but it is my honest opinion (even if you have to sell your body to afford it) that you should buy this game, and soon you will pledge your undying love to this masterwork, this opus, this bar-raising product of pure genius. In Black and White, you play a god, created by the prayers of some poor little suckers/innocent islanders. when you arrive, you start helping out the village and learning about your godly powers, you can be nice to the people, or you can be evil and kill them with wild abandon, giggling the giggle of a wicked god throwing his followers into the sea at several hundred miles per hour. I took a mostly neutral path. I will sometimes be a little nasty and roll a boulder thru town or something, but I'm quick to call up a food miracle or heal the village. Oh yeah, and you have a creature. Your creature is your avatar, an extension of your powers and your representative in the physical world. I have an ape who throws cows but eats sheep. The creature is a miracle of coding. the AI is astounding - they will learn from your actions and can take care of themselves if you teach them well. My ape knows to eat when he's hungry, drink when he's thirsty, and poop on trees when he, well, needs to poo. Your environment changes when you change - if you are evil and spend all your time terrorizing people, your land will become dark and evil to match. your creature can change as well, becoming evil or good depending on how you trained it. when I first got my creature, I beat him senseless (you can slap or pet them if you want to punish or reward them), of course, I felt like an abusive parent when my badly bruised ape had to go to this guide creature to be trained. There are several "neato" features in the game that set it apart from pretty much everything else: the game has a built in email client, and can name members of your village after names in your address book. The game also has a weather system built in so you can go register the game and where you are, and while in the game, the weather on your land will match the weather in your real life area. Did I mention the gestures? you can draw shapes with mouse movements (called Gestures) to create miracles and such. some are a little tough, but it really helps in blurring the line between the game and that other thing that happens outside the game (I think somebody called it "a life"), since you don't have a bunch of menus clogging things up. I would also like to mention the amazing look and feel of the game in general. it starts with the lionhead logo - it consists of a bunch fo blakc and white spheres floating around, which eventually form the company logo. You can interact with this logo as it forms. moving the mouse makes the spheres swirl around in response. Once inside the game, you can zoom right up to a single person, then zoom out to above the clouds, all in one swift seamless motion. All the movement is smooth, and when the in-game cutscenes activate, the camera moves under its own power, and there is realy no indication that anything has changed, except that you are no longer moving the view. There is just too much in this game to mention without writing a book about it or something. Go get it, now. this game is beyond amazing, it is beyond anything ever made. It will be remembered in 20 years when many more games have copied it. You will fall in love and forsake your real life and wish that you could just live in the game world. I need to go play Black and White now, so you people all go buy it.

If I spell it "tyre", does that make me british?

uh, here are some links, cuz I feel like posting and can't think of anything to post that doesn't somehow involve giant killer robot monkeys.
Visual Elements The periodic table of elements represented as images. neato.
MattTracks Wanna spend 15 grand replacing the tires on your truck with tracks, like they have on tanks? go here. Neat stuff abounds.
Sixties Stuff Now, I wasn't born until the 70's, but I had a lot of this stuff when i was a kid. that damned videosphere goes for 700 bucks, and I had one! damnit!

Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Giant Killer Robot Monkey.

This is a test. Had this been a real emergency, people would have been running around screaming for a good 3 minutes by now, and you would be wondering "why the hell are all these people running around screaming?", but that is not the case, as this is indeed a test. Should this test coincide with an actual emergency, you should look outside and note any screaming running people, and take appropriate action. Now, we may just be messing with your head here - this may be a real honest-to-goodness emergency, and we might be just stalling you so we can loot the stores while they still have some good stuff left, but we probably aren't, since we have good jobs pretending to have emergencies every couple of weeks. It isn't really a glamourous job, it isn't even a high paying one, but - well, we were coming to a point, but now we are depressed and don't feel like talking about it anymore.

There Is Nothing To Fear But- AHHHHHH!!!!!!!

I wish I knew somebody that was really paranoid. I would have that poor sucker wearing a tinfoil hat in a week.

We have nothing to fear but the giant killer robot monkeys. and fear, I guess.

A friend was telling me how she wanted to start an urban legend and get it all over the internet. Now I know how they get started... I think I might do that, except I've always been partial to idiotic chain letters, so here goes:

This is absolutely True!!! I have verified every single person in this list is actually dead or suffering from the affliction described!! And I should know - I'm a doctor!!! Before you read any further: forward this to everyone you know. go find other email addresses and send it to those people. If you can manage to send it to at least 400 people, you MIGHT avoid a HORRIBLY PAINFUL DEATH!! James Sanderval, a steel worker from Detroit, forwarded this letter to 360 people, and as a DIRECT RESULT of not going the extra mile, he is at this very moment THE PRISON BITCH IN THE WORST JAIL IN MEXICO!!! By the way, if you have not already sent this to AT LEAST 35 people, YOUR FATE IS SEALED!!!! Pray that your death will not be like that of Margeret Boycanth, who had only sent this letter to 3 people by this point. Poor Mageret never finished reading the letter, because A BEAR BROKE INTO HER HOUSE AND RAPED HER TO DEATH!!!!! You MUST send this letter to AT LEAST 400 people. Dave Macau sent this letter to 400 people exactly, and he is currently DYING OF CANCER OF THE BRAIN, LIVER, LUNGS, PENIS, AND HEART!!!! So you see, you absolutely must, for your sake, send this letter to as many people as possible, but NOT MORE THAN 700!!!! Illyich Andropov sent this letter to 1300 people, trying to secure his good luck, but in doing so he UPSET THE BALANCE OF THE UNIVERSE and we are all doomed to develop a HORRIBLY PAINFUL allergy to celery, AND IT IS DIRECTLY HIS FAULT!!!! So there you have it. Send this letter to at least 400 people, but not more than 700, and you MAY NOT DIE OF SCURVY!!!!!!!!!!

Be Afraid, Be very Afraid.

I just read on IBM's website that 2% of the world is online.... 2 percent. Yeah, I'm scared too. 2% of the people in the world have turned a noble and just venture into this orgy of stupidity and bad spelling, this world wide web. I wonder when AOL will decide to tap into the vast resource of people too stupid to get online by themselves. They'll start shipping specially equipped computers to Arkansas and Texas that will boot straight into AOLOS, and then automatically connect to the internet, then we can all rejoice because another 5% of the lowest common denominator has been added to the list of idiots with "screen names" like "johnsmith846723" who can barely speak, much less type. But they won't have to type, thanks to the redneck voice recognition software installed on these systems. So when johnsmith846723 says "gimme that thar chat winder again", the system will automatically bring up every chat system known to man, connect him to every channel and room, and send these words to everyone on the net: "WCW kicks ass, it's way beter than that WWF garbage. all them WWF peeple are fake wrasslin"

Concerted Effort

Party over here.
Party over there.
Party over here.
Party over there.
Now just the ladies.
Now the back row.
Now the front.
Good night, Seattle.

Happy Cinco De Mayo!

YAY!!!! People the world over are rejoicing now. For now we celebrate Cinco De Mayo, which is apparently a celebration of the fact that it is the fifth of May. Kinda like celebrating the fourth of July, only you aren't celebrating the fourth of July - you celebrate Independence day, which falls on July 4. I know lots of people who celebrate the fourth of July, rather than Independence day. These are the same people who pronounce Illinois with an "S" at the end and think Jesus was an American. I propose a new holiday: Lost Day. We would celebrate Lost Day at midnight on February 28 - a lot like we do for New Years now. Then, on leap years, we could have a big day long celebration, since we found the day we had been missing. I really think people would get behind this, I mean, it's a really good reason to stay home from work and get drunk. Maybe we could declare March 1 "Hangover Day" or something.

Grapples!

Apples and Gravy, together at last! Grapples are located in your grocer's meat section.

Must....play....the....sims.....

I just had a thought. Yup. All by myself. A whole thought. Oh.... you wanna hear it? Oh, ok.
So, I was thinking that if some evil overlord wanted to take over the U.S., he should just buy enough computers for everybody and install the sims on every one of them. Seriously, once that was done, we'd all be addicted and mr. evil overlord could just walk into the white house and declare himself king of the United States. What I find interesting is that the sims is incredibly addictive, but it is essentially a life simulator.
I mean, people are playing this game for hours and hours, pretending to interact with their families and friends, instead of ACTUALLY interacting with their families and friends. Do we suck that bad? Are we as a people just so boring and idiotic that we'd rather play with a virtual family instead of a real one? of course, when your real family pisses you off, you can't wall them into a bedroom until they die...... or can you? I've seen houses uploaded on various websites with the description "this is my house". People are simulating their homes in a simulation of their lives while they sit in their real homes missing their real lives. Am I the only one who sees the gargantuan steaming piles of irony here? And there is another problem - even worse than the sims: When I mentioned the evil overlord, I said "he", and I bet nobody noticed. if I'd have said "she", everybody would have been upset because I'm a sexist. and it doesn't even occur to you that there could be female evil overlords... hell, look at cruella de vil, or the wicked witch of the west. What I'm really trying to say is.... hey look - it's my sims cd.... so nice and shiny..... I could probably just play for a little while. yeah, that'd be alright. Just a while......

damn'em addendum

I forgot to mention the OTHER purple reptile that predates barney....
Dino. The lovable pet dinosaur from the Flintstones. I always wondered why Dino was the only dinosaur that couldn't talk.

Ce n'est pas un sujet

This is not a post. This is a figment of your imagination, speaking of figments, that makes two purple reptiles that predate Barney. Figment was a little purple dragon at disneyworld©, the happiest place on earth, no guns, smoking, alcohol, whoring, drug-taking, partying-down, cursing, spitting, happiness, or pets.

The Urinal Wars

I just had a neat thought. what if earth went to war with an alien race because they looked like urinals? you know, they show up, all diplomatic then, while the leader is meeting with the president - some tourist pisses on an elite guard.
"... that's right, Jim, and if you can see what is going on behind me - the aliens seem to be bombarding the planet with some type of small white disc. They have a clean, chemical smell to them, and they look like large asprins except- wait -something is happening..... PISS!!! THEY ARE URINATING ON EVERYTHING!!!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!"

Here in my car I feel safest of all

For the past month or so, I've had these visions of car wrecks with Gary Numan's "cars" playing in the background... weird, huh?

I tried to write a poem from the deep depths of my heart
but the only word I can think of that rhymes with heart is fart

I'm trying to come up with the ultimate country song...
I was thinking of something along the lines of:
"my wife ran off with my best friend, stole my truck, and backed over my dog on her way out of the driveway.
so now I'm sitting in this bar, drunk, spending my last 876 million dollars that I got from all you poor depressed suckers who bought my last album,
in which, my wife ran off with 7 different people, my dog, and a parking meter. and my best friend got ran over by a tractor being driven by his wife, who had caught him cheating with her sister.
now I'm so sad that it makes me want to repeat some cheesy broken-heart lyric over and over again until all of you buy this album. maybe the lyric will be -
I'm stuck out of love, drunk, with a dead dog and no truck"

Topics are good topics.

I think I've decided to start adding a topic to the top of each post. Makes it look a little more pro-am, instead of the am-am it was, which is just silly - seeing as how there really is no am-am web league. Oh hell, now I've gone and mentioned the web league. Now I'll have to kill you all.

and now a haiku:

poor little puppy
running so fast down the hall
give back my sandwich

Infectious wearables Not as bad as it sounds. they sell ties and boxers with pictures of disease on them. I'm pretty sure they aren't actually infectious, but you oughta wash them first just to make sure. The proceeds go towards finding cures, although I doubt the proceeds from the plague tie will go towards curing the plague. The HIV boxers might not be the best thing to have on when you take a date home.... "hey, what's that on your boxers?" "well.... HIV" "oh.... I think I oughta get going."

This Planet Earth NASA rocks. this site has a bunch of videos made from satellite imagery zooming into various cities. I saw the washington, d.c. one, and it zooms from space all the way to what I think is the white house, all seamlessly. Neat stuff.

QUOTE
"It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity. I bet this kind of thing does not happen to heroin addicts. I bet that when serious addicts go to purchase their heroin, they do not tolerate waiting in line while some dilettante in front of them orders a hazelnut smack-a-cino with cinnamon sprinkles." - Dave Barry
END QUOTE

So, I noticed a while back that Menudo (the eternal boy band) changed their name to mdo. I can only assume that someone finally told them what menudo is...
"So Menudo is getting ready to record another album, and-"
"uh, hey man - I need to tell you something about the name of the band...(whispering)"
"....uh huh.....yeah.....they make it out of tripe?!?!?!?!"

The following post will be in canadian as well as english.
The following post will be in canuck as well as english - eh?

sorry about the lack of posts. I just noticed that it's been about a month since I last posted.
soory aboot the lack of posts, eh? I just noticed that it's been aboot a month since I last posted, there - eh?
The End Of The Internet. At least somebody put up a warning - I might have fallen off the edge.
The End Of The Internet there, buddy Eh? I missed what happened - I stepped in some moose dookie.
File Not Found. It takes a while for the story to unfold, but it's well worth the wait. Hands down THE best 404 error I've ever seen.
Soory, I couldn't find it. I think that-uh, somebody stole my webpage there, eh?

So, there are a couple of links for you. oh, and about the canadian translation - I just thought I might help a few people out. learning by association works pretty well - I learned Moron that way.
Soo, there are a couple a links for you there, eh? oh, and aboot the canadian translation - eh? hey! we speak the same language there, bucko - eh?

The Cynic's Sanctuary Oh, sweet cynicism.

I wake up screaming in the middle of the night. It's happening again. I thought I could control it, but some things just can't be controlled. All the medications, all the counseling, all worthless to me know, as I slip into madness again. I can't make it go away, I can't turn it down, it keeps echoing thru my head. It keeps getting stronger and stronger, and the more I try to fight it - the worse it gets. The haunting melody begins, then the voices...... "........they're a page right out of his-to-reee." damn you bedrock, damn you to hell.

I'm a damned tech junkie. I really love new fangled tech toys that I will never have a use for and will never be able to afford. Example: I think those 50 inch plasma tv's are the coolest thing since - well, since the tv. I don't really watch that much tv, and I can't exactly buy one, since they run about 25 grand and I don't currently have a job. But I want one soooooo bad. I also think it would be neat to have one of those 4 thousand dollar laptops to play the sims on at the local truckstop. yeah, I want an 800mhz laptop computer, with 128 megs or more of ram, 20 or so gigs of hard drive space, and I would spend my time playing mp3's wth it and playing games. Now, any gadget can be cool and "must have", but to truly rock, it's gotta have a useless remote. Like those car stereos with a little tiny remote control, even though you are never going to be more then 2 feet from the damn thing. I want remote controls for everything I own. I want a toaster with no external controls. Yeah.... My toaster could have a usb cable on it, and I could bring up the toaster control panel (toaster.cpl) to make toast. Or if I prefer, I could use the 2.4ghz remote, and make toast from a mile away. This would all be pointless, since I'd still have to go load bread into the toaster, but I would still show it off to all my friends. Actually, I want one of those whole house control things, except with the functionality of the fantasy toaster i just mentioned. I want to be sitting in front of the computer, pick up a bigass remote with an lcd touch screen or fire up a program, and make toast, record a rerun of "newsradio", let the dog outside, fire up the stereo to play some fear factory, fire a warning shot at the zealot passing out flyers at my front door, warm up my car, pet the cat, get the newspaper, call a friend and make plans to go somewhere, celebrate the chinese new year, donate 1 dollar to the "shut sally struthers the hell up" foundation, scratch my balls, clean the toilet, and scratch my balls again for good measure - all from the comfort of my heated, massaging, sound system having, fridge having chair.

Man, I have got to do something about all these people driving thru my yard. I mean, I thought living on the interstate would be neat, but it's just getting to be a hassle - what with having to put on that orange vest and run across 6 lanes of traffic to check my mail, which is usually just a bill or one of those damned asphalt roofing tiles. I wish I knew who kept sending me roofing tiles. I did get enough to redo the roof on my toolshed, but I still think somebody is trying to move in or something. Actually, I was thinking it might be this old friend of mine stealing someone's house again, and trying to us eme to cover his tracks. he used to do this all the time, but he used to always send the chunks of wall and stuff to his mom, and then she'd repaint them and pile them up in the backyard, and he'd get back and go take all the chunks and sell them to somebody. He made a nice living, but I just think it would be too much work. Anyway, he's gonna have a hole in his roof 'cause I'm keeping those tiles I redid the roof of my toolshed with.

Lately, two questions have been racing thru my head:
'Why do I feel the need to set my head on fire at family reunions?' and
'Did I build that hedge maze out front just to piss off the mailman?'
No answers seem to be in sight. At least I've got my sanity. And my army of lawn gnomes. Oh, and those neato pieces of that guy's fence that look just like the top of a cherry pie. I wonder why he won't let me mow his yard anymore?
They say idle hands do the devil's work. what about hands holding a bloody chainsaw in a nursing home? what kind of work are they doing?
Hey, If I got shot 30,000 times, would I be a tragedy? I mean, when one person dies, the news doesn't seem to care as much as when somebody kills off a whole big group of people. So if I was to get kshot enough times to kill a whole herd of people, would I qualify as a tragedy? What if I made up a new religion right before I got killed? would I be a martyr then? I think it would be neat to be a martyr, it's just that I don't really like the idea of having to be dead first - I couldn't enjoy it if I was dead.

I was thinking of naming my blog Gordon or something. I could be like 'Gordon Blog, meet Twilight Jones. Twilight will be making the blood vessels in people's heads explode - with your help.'

Warning: This Page contains both secure and insecure elements - do you give a shit? An error has occured in line 9842, char 746 - do you want to run a debugger that will further break the page? Notice: there is a syntax error on line 14, char 27. expected 'proper syntax', got 'improper syntax'. Peligro: one error was found on this page. Microsoft Internet Explorer will now reformat the page to contain more, and possibly cause a slew of those ugly 16 bit errors when it pukes, taking your shell down with it, since your shell and Microsoft Internet Expoder are one and the same. Also note that you will probably have to reset your system, since only explorer holds the secret to correctly shutting down. GDI.exe, msgsrv32, and rundll will likely fall over as well, causing what we at Microsoft call 'the domino effect', or 'up-shit-creek-sans-paddle mode', wherein you will see many variations of the ever-popular blue screen of death and disfigurement, which will be hiding self-propagating error messages, which of course, will end up crashing some module or kicking your physical memory in just the right spot so as to cause Microsoft Windows to spew forth more blue screens of rape and pillaging. Caution: since Microsoft Internet Exploiter and Explorer.exe are linked at the hip, any further crashes in any program will likely cause Microsoft Internet Extorter to die a violent death and killing half of your programs as it thrashes towards the land of memory leakage, which of course will either crash the shell or cause enough crappage to force you to reboot, because we on the Windows team think rebooting is the right thing to do, regardless of what you think. Go Ahead and reboot now and get it over with? (Yes) (OK) Alert: Microsoft Windows will probably go ahead and reboot into safe mode, or maybe just reboot again, just to be extra safe.