Wanted

Wanted: One brave American willing to hijack a plane in afghanistan, while the plane is full of afghan people, and crash it into something important in afghanistan. the trouble will be finding in afghanistan worth crashing a plane into.
I always wondered why we named our warm fluffy afghans after such a crappy hot worthless wasteland in the middle of nowhere.
At least they don't keep attacking my ottoman. Stupid mongol hordes.

I'll kill you all!!!!

Go to My Normal Site. I've been doing this weblog for upwards of a year, and I only just now built a whole page to wrap around it.
actually, I built like 5 pages. I've gone and made a clearinghouse of all my random webpage ideas. every once in a while, I'll think up some random page, and build it. but I have no content to put up on these pages - I just think up the basic look and feel of it. So I went and made my page a starting point to go look at all my other pages. I also built a page called ++caffeine+based+life+form++, which is kind of a weblog, too. odd, huh?

"Vee have vays ov makink you talk." "What?"

So I wonder how small a post I could get away with...

Did you get me a pony?

It's my birthday today. I'm 25. Now you can all go track me down based on the information you have and steal my life just like in that one movie - "the net". Not like anybody would want my life. My life is a lot like a truck I used to have. I had a datsun truck, and the doors would decide to stop opening on occasion, and it had a problem with starting in the cold. So I would leave the door open with the truck running when I went in places. I bet theives just walked by it shaking their heads and looking for something worth the effort. My life is pretty much like that. I could staple my social security card to a tree in the front yard and nobody would even bother with stealing my life. Even if I somehow got ahold of some super secret spy data, they'd probably just come over and kill me before they bothered with stealing my life. I'm in a real happy place now, in case you didn't notice...

Deplane, boss, deplane!

Tattoo, how do you expect them to deplane when they're still in the air?

HACKED BY CHINESE!

uh, like, this post has been H4><0R3|)
\/\/00T!!!
Damn, for some reason I just feel the need to rub my dick on the top of a person's head. I don't know why, but for like 3 days, every time I see a newscaster talking about really serious issues like heat related deaths and war in the middle east, I get this urge to be there, flopping my unit around on the top of their head.
"In other news, (zip) kuzhijkbekhistan declared war on vuzhijkbekhistan (flop), citing religious differences (flop flop)." I bet I could do that to Dan Rather, and he'd maintain his composure. He'd be all deadpan, talking about how some housewife burst into flames going out to get her mail, and I'd be just whipping my trouser snake around on his toupee. That'd be fucking hilarious.

I'm a lot happier now.

So, if the price of prozac rises, does it bum out the people on it to the point where they need more prozac, which makes them more depressed, since they are spending more money?
I have a truck. YAY! I have been without a vehicle of my own for a couple of years now. the last car I had ended up in the witness protection program. I was an abusive driver. I kicked the car, I drove it beyond what it was built to endure, I treated it like a 4X4 and it was an Ltd. The head cracked on it, so it would sort of stop running every once in a while, once it got hot. When the car stopped, I got upset and kicked it - a lot. poor car. fuckin' chunk of shit. Anyway, now I have a truck. a 1985 mitsubishi, actually, which I have named the Shitsubishi. I sense another abusive relationship coming. I bought it today, and it needs a starter. I have to push start it. yay.

I am a joyful pomegranate.

My job is the most boring thing I've ever done, and I can stare at the ceiling fan for hours. I walk around and spray water on a parking lot. But my job is so much more than that. So many more things add to the utter boredom. I use a gas powered sprayer, so there is the constant mechanical drone, and that's all I hear. The only thing I see is concrete, since I have to watch where I am spraying. So I walk around looking at the nozzle on this sprayer, and all I can hear is an engine running. I do this for ~6 hours a night. As a result of being bored out of my mind all night every night, I have decided to go insane. I think I'll take a few months to descend into madness, to see if I like it. Then once I have myself to keep me company, I won't be bored anymore.

A few of my least favorite things.

I fucking hate the sun. And toothaches. And pretty much everything else when I'm sunburned with a toothache.
And now, after coming in to work at 6 am for three days, I have to come in to work at 10 pm, so my internal clock is in chaos. Much like the rest of me.
Fuck you, sun. piss off. I have to work outside. Outside under the unforgiving stare of the white hot sun. Sun, go fuck yourself. Eclipse already. So here I am working outside, in a legendary heat wave. it's been 100 and up for the last two weeks. got up to 106 today. While I was outside. Outside in a glass building in the middle of a parking lot. Everybody feel sorry for me. Because the sun is just laughing it up at my expense.

Apologies are in order.

A couple posts back I incorectly identified the United States Postal Fucking Service as the United States Fucking Postal Service. I apologize for any inconvenience this has caused, and I apologize to the United States Fucking Postal Service Pizzaria in Tampa, Florida for the extra mail and phone calls I have caused you.

And now, I would like to sing a little song for you:

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
Spongebob Squarepants!
Absorbent and yellow and porous is he.
Spongebob Squarepants!

I'm only partially here.

Man, being tired sucks. I could go to sleep and fix this problem, but I'm an idiot and addicted to the computer, so here I sit, blurry vision and all, typing some random non-thoughts into this post. I'll read this tomorrow and go "What the hell was I thinking?" and then I'll probably think "I need to sleep more." or possibly "Man, a twinkie would hit the spot right now." Speaking of twinkies - what the hell is wrong with Hostess, or whoever the hell it is that makes twinkies.... oompa loompas, probably. Anyway, twinkies were the same for millions of years, having evolved from the sea sponge. The common twinkie developed a defense mechanism - spooge - that ensured the survival of the species by rendering the twinkie inedible. Humans eventually evolved a resistance to this horrible poison, and began eating the otherwise tasty twinkies in vast quantities. The twinkie population was in danger of being wiped out by fat people, so they began to evolve toxins even more horrible than that white spooge crap in their body cavities. A few years ago, twinkies developed a chocolate coating. This chocolate coating was like toxic waste, plus it turned the flesh of the twinkie into a substance not unlike foam rubber. This variant of the twinkie apparently had some fatal flaw, because they vanished rather quickly. now, a new horror has arisen within the very flesh of the twinkie. I think they are called "tiger tail" or something, and they have what appears to be generic berry goo spiraling around the body of the twinkie. We humans will eventually develop a resistance to this as well, and the twinkie will be forced to develop something even more horrible. maybe a marshmallow and coconut coating.

I'm buying a bicycle.

The dagnabbed gol-durned price of gas has me all red in the face, like when I stuck my head in the fry-daddy. Now, way back in the way back, gas was like a dollar a gallon where I live. A buck sounds just about right. It works. Then out of nowhere, the price of gas had a spasm and suddenly it cost like a buck seventy to buy a damned gallon of gas. When I was just a young pyromaniac, before I had any bodily hair to accidentally burn off, a dollar would buy me a whole afternoon of fun, flames, and fumes. If gas did that knee-jerk price thing when I was a kid, I would have been so bummed out, I probably would have been forced to go to the pool or something else totally unfun. I have a friend with an econobox - one of those cars the size of a midget's athletic supporter. It gets like 700 miles to the gallon, which is good because it has a 10 gallon tank. I prefer the land yachts - cars that need 11 gallons to prime the carb. Anyway, this friend had to spend damn near twenty bucks to fill up his tank. This car is the size of a hamster skull, and it costs 20 bucks to fill it up. If I had a car (I'm usually a jobless bum), I'd probably have something that was 30 feet long and weighed 18 tons, and had a beeper thing for when I backed it up - not that I would ever back it up, because the back window is so far away that I can't see anyting thru it. I like these cars. These cars have time zones - they affect the tides. But if I had one of these cars, I'd be paying upwards of the total net worth of Oregon to fill up the gas tank. Now, the gas price hike isn;t really what pissed me off. What pissed me off is the fact that gas prices dropped, and then they leveled off around 1.20. Gas got up to like 2.50 in some places, and now it's down to like 1.20-1.50, and we are supposed to be thankful for gas prices being so low. I have news for you: Gas prices are still high. Remember before, when gas was a dollar? Now it is "back down" and it's still at least 1.20. Somebody is laughing their asses off over this, and it ain't the general populous. The general populous is scared shitless at the gas prices. Travelling salesman were paying so much for gas that they drew no profit. The United States Fucking Postal Service was going to drop Saturday deliveries because of gas prices. And young pyromaniacs everywhere have to shell out more money for their activities. Money they could be using for more productive things, like matches.

PIMPCHICKEN!

And now, another adventure of Pimpchicken, the Chicken who also happens to be a pimp.
One day, Pimpchicken was out strolling the street, keeping tabs on his Hoechickens, when his arch-nemesis, Pimpfox, struts his way. Pimpfox was pimping his Hoefoxes on Pimpchicken's territory, and Pimpchicken was none too happy about that. "What do you think you doing pimping yo hoes on my turf, suckuh?", said Pimpchicken, with a scowl on his beak. To this, Pimpfox replied "I be pimping my Hoefoxes any damn where I want, chicken!". Now, Pimpchicken was enraged at this, and he was just about to whip out his pimp stick and lay the smack down on the ol' Pimpfox, when the farmer came out of the barn and shot Pimpfox with a big old shotgun. 2 days later, Pimpchicken was strolling the street again, keeping tabs on his Hoechickens, and the farmer came back. "Yo, you want one of my bitches, bitch?", said Pimpchicken, and with that, the farmer grabed Pimpchicken by the throat and snapped his neck. The farmer then threw Pimpchicken into the bed of his truck and drove out behind the barn to the burning pit. 2 days later, there was a new Pimpchicken.

Why Can't Johnny Read?

I think I spilled my brains out a month ago, 'cuz I haven't had the inspiration to post here. Right now I'm flying by the seat of my pants, and the seat of my pants has worn thin from all the sitting on this chair in front of this computer missing this life. Maybe I should become a dominatrix... hold on, I think you have to be a woman to do that. What is a male dom called? Dominator. Yeah... I AM THE DOMINATOR!!! I like it. It has a real "I am the Dominator" ring to it. Anyway, I was thinking I might become a Dominator so I could not post for a month and blame on all the worthless scum who read this thing. Something like "I didn't post for a month because I didn't feel like it. Deal, scum." Naw. I'm not a born leader, which is weird, since I'm a leo and I'm supposed to be a leader. Fuck it, here's some links:

National Geographic has a page all about Coffee (All hail Coffee). Coffee (Coffee be praised) is my god. I worship the holy triumverate: Coffee (Coffee bless me), Juan Valdez, and a blurry, vibrating frog (what? it's not as strange as the stuff in the bible.)Go read the page, and leave an offering of non-dairy creamer or sugar by your Coffee Maker.

Galileo is flipping you off. Galileo's body got moved at some point in the past, and when it was, somebody yanked the middle finger out of his right hand. I can only assume they had a really bad booger and didn't want to be caught with their own finger up their nose. Oddly Enough, this site is on NASA's webpage...

AdCritic In case you don't know about it yet, AdCritic is a site that puts all the best commercials on the web. I watch the superbowl for the commercials, I have no interest whatsoever in all the football playing that surrounds them.

A Toast is in Order

HAPPY 85TH POST!!!!! This is the 85th time I've bothered you. I've had 85 posts to this weblog. Well, 84, and this one celebrating. I guess this qualifies as a post, but it doesn't seem right, being a post strictly about how many posts I've made. Hell, I've had posts consisting of some random link... I even had one that said simply: "What am I gonna do with all these ostriches????" So yeah, happy 85th post. Here's to another 72!!!

Damn Monkey

So I figured I'd post a quick update about my creature in Black and White, just for the hell of it.
My ape was a kind, if fairly maladjusted creature. I had taught him to cast the shower miracle on fields, and I taught him how to put trees into the village store. when he came across a cow, he threw it, since I used some cows to teach him how to throw. So he ate sheep and threw cows. And then he developed this compulsion to water fields. This is all he would do. My damned ape would walk around watering the hell out of farmland until he passed out. He also turned the wood gathering ability into a potentially nasty habit - he kicks trees. So now my ape will decide to kick random trees in random directions. He does this because I was neglecting him. I spent probably half an hour chucking fireballs at a nearby village that was out of my circle of influence, and my poor little ape became a little bastard. Did I mention that he has an affinity for making breeders? I led him to a village to try and win it over to my side, so he starts watering farmland like a good little monkey, so I went off to tend to other godly things. I come back to see my ape creating breeders as fast as he could pick up villagers. Oh yeah, now he eats people. I have Black and White installed on a friend's computer, since my GhettoPC won't run it. This friend played for a while on my profile instead of creating another. When I get back to the game - I'm partially evil, and my ape has developed a taste for villager. So now I have a creature who: Eats sheep but throws cows, Poos on trees, but is just as likely to kick a tree instead, Has a compulsive need to create breeders and water farms, and eats humans...

tH1S p0St HaS b33n HaX0r3d!!!! W00T!!!

The International Consortium of Web Bosses has determined, after much deliberation, that Hackers do indeed 0wN j00. Much has been done to stop this threat, but it appears that the hackers are just too l33t.
The Hacker Coalition of Earth (Fargo Office) replied with the statement "r0X0R!!! W33 0wN j00!!!" The complete illegibility of this response was attributed to the fact that the average member age in the HCE is 13. I can't sympathize with these idiots who hack for fun, but I think I know why they do it. They hack for the same reason I used to set fires to pools of gasoline and staple junebugs to the wall; they can. had I been exposed to computers earlier, I might have become a hacker. Although, since I have subversive and destructuve tendancies, I would have most likely been a Cracker (ATTN MEDIA: CRACKERS ARE BAD, HACKERS NOT SO MUCH.) I spend my time online looking at disturbing webpages and downloading massive amounts of pirated software and violating copyrights with wild abandon (ATTN "THE MAN": EAT ME.) These hackers' lives are consumed by the one activity - hacking. They spend all day organizing denial of service attacks and looking around for credit card numbers. (well, that would make them crackers, but let's not mince words). Most of these hackers are what is known as a "script kiddie", which is the cyber equivalent of a wannabe. They will spend all day using programs written by other people - programs they do not understand and can barely use - to do their evil deeds for them. Had they been without computers, they would have been with the big group of white kids wearing red and calling themselves "Bloods", while actually being terrifed that a *real* gang would become irritated with them and kill them all. Both groups work off the same principle: there is strength in numbers. If you're in a gang, you're a lot less likely to be beaten up, since you have a dozen or so of your closest g's with you. In hacking, much of what they do involves multiple computers, or multiple hackers coordinating one event. Maybe if we gave these kids something else fun and antisocial to do, they'd cut out all this foolishness. I say pellet guns. Pellet guns kept me out of (serious) trouble, because I would spend most of my time taking pot shots at animals and milk jugs. Pellet guns for all, and all our problems will be solved - and quickly replaced with all new pellet gun-related problems.

Darkness, And Lack Thereof.

I am in love. I've never been in love before, and it's a new and exciting time for me. My newfound love, the one who completes me, whom I love without compromise, is published by Lionhead studios and developed by Peter Molyneaux. I'm talking about Black and White, the most amazing game to ever be released for any platform. I'm not biased or anything (go buy it now) but it is my honest opinion (even if you have to sell your body to afford it) that you should buy this game, and soon you will pledge your undying love to this masterwork, this opus, this bar-raising product of pure genius. In Black and White, you play a god, created by the prayers of some poor little suckers/innocent islanders. when you arrive, you start helping out the village and learning about your godly powers, you can be nice to the people, or you can be evil and kill them with wild abandon, giggling the giggle of a wicked god throwing his followers into the sea at several hundred miles per hour. I took a mostly neutral path. I will sometimes be a little nasty and roll a boulder thru town or something, but I'm quick to call up a food miracle or heal the village. Oh yeah, and you have a creature. Your creature is your avatar, an extension of your powers and your representative in the physical world. I have an ape who throws cows but eats sheep. The creature is a miracle of coding. the AI is astounding - they will learn from your actions and can take care of themselves if you teach them well. My ape knows to eat when he's hungry, drink when he's thirsty, and poop on trees when he, well, needs to poo. Your environment changes when you change - if you are evil and spend all your time terrorizing people, your land will become dark and evil to match. your creature can change as well, becoming evil or good depending on how you trained it. when I first got my creature, I beat him senseless (you can slap or pet them if you want to punish or reward them), of course, I felt like an abusive parent when my badly bruised ape had to go to this guide creature to be trained. There are several "neato" features in the game that set it apart from pretty much everything else: the game has a built in email client, and can name members of your village after names in your address book. The game also has a weather system built in so you can go register the game and where you are, and while in the game, the weather on your land will match the weather in your real life area. Did I mention the gestures? you can draw shapes with mouse movements (called Gestures) to create miracles and such. some are a little tough, but it really helps in blurring the line between the game and that other thing that happens outside the game (I think somebody called it "a life"), since you don't have a bunch of menus clogging things up. I would also like to mention the amazing look and feel of the game in general. it starts with the lionhead logo - it consists of a bunch fo blakc and white spheres floating around, which eventually form the company logo. You can interact with this logo as it forms. moving the mouse makes the spheres swirl around in response. Once inside the game, you can zoom right up to a single person, then zoom out to above the clouds, all in one swift seamless motion. All the movement is smooth, and when the in-game cutscenes activate, the camera moves under its own power, and there is realy no indication that anything has changed, except that you are no longer moving the view. There is just too much in this game to mention without writing a book about it or something. Go get it, now. this game is beyond amazing, it is beyond anything ever made. It will be remembered in 20 years when many more games have copied it. You will fall in love and forsake your real life and wish that you could just live in the game world. I need to go play Black and White now, so you people all go buy it.

If I spell it "tyre", does that make me british?

uh, here are some links, cuz I feel like posting and can't think of anything to post that doesn't somehow involve giant killer robot monkeys.
Visual Elements The periodic table of elements represented as images. neato.
MattTracks Wanna spend 15 grand replacing the tires on your truck with tracks, like they have on tanks? go here. Neat stuff abounds.
Sixties Stuff Now, I wasn't born until the 70's, but I had a lot of this stuff when i was a kid. that damned videosphere goes for 700 bucks, and I had one! damnit!

Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Giant Killer Robot Monkey.

This is a test. Had this been a real emergency, people would have been running around screaming for a good 3 minutes by now, and you would be wondering "why the hell are all these people running around screaming?", but that is not the case, as this is indeed a test. Should this test coincide with an actual emergency, you should look outside and note any screaming running people, and take appropriate action. Now, we may just be messing with your head here - this may be a real honest-to-goodness emergency, and we might be just stalling you so we can loot the stores while they still have some good stuff left, but we probably aren't, since we have good jobs pretending to have emergencies every couple of weeks. It isn't really a glamourous job, it isn't even a high paying one, but - well, we were coming to a point, but now we are depressed and don't feel like talking about it anymore.

There Is Nothing To Fear But- AHHHHHH!!!!!!!

I wish I knew somebody that was really paranoid. I would have that poor sucker wearing a tinfoil hat in a week.

We have nothing to fear but the giant killer robot monkeys. and fear, I guess.

A friend was telling me how she wanted to start an urban legend and get it all over the internet. Now I know how they get started... I think I might do that, except I've always been partial to idiotic chain letters, so here goes:

This is absolutely True!!! I have verified every single person in this list is actually dead or suffering from the affliction described!! And I should know - I'm a doctor!!! Before you read any further: forward this to everyone you know. go find other email addresses and send it to those people. If you can manage to send it to at least 400 people, you MIGHT avoid a HORRIBLY PAINFUL DEATH!! James Sanderval, a steel worker from Detroit, forwarded this letter to 360 people, and as a DIRECT RESULT of not going the extra mile, he is at this very moment THE PRISON BITCH IN THE WORST JAIL IN MEXICO!!! By the way, if you have not already sent this to AT LEAST 35 people, YOUR FATE IS SEALED!!!! Pray that your death will not be like that of Margeret Boycanth, who had only sent this letter to 3 people by this point. Poor Mageret never finished reading the letter, because A BEAR BROKE INTO HER HOUSE AND RAPED HER TO DEATH!!!!! You MUST send this letter to AT LEAST 400 people. Dave Macau sent this letter to 400 people exactly, and he is currently DYING OF CANCER OF THE BRAIN, LIVER, LUNGS, PENIS, AND HEART!!!! So you see, you absolutely must, for your sake, send this letter to as many people as possible, but NOT MORE THAN 700!!!! Illyich Andropov sent this letter to 1300 people, trying to secure his good luck, but in doing so he UPSET THE BALANCE OF THE UNIVERSE and we are all doomed to develop a HORRIBLY PAINFUL allergy to celery, AND IT IS DIRECTLY HIS FAULT!!!! So there you have it. Send this letter to at least 400 people, but not more than 700, and you MAY NOT DIE OF SCURVY!!!!!!!!!!

Be Afraid, Be very Afraid.

I just read on IBM's website that 2% of the world is online.... 2 percent. Yeah, I'm scared too. 2% of the people in the world have turned a noble and just venture into this orgy of stupidity and bad spelling, this world wide web. I wonder when AOL will decide to tap into the vast resource of people too stupid to get online by themselves. They'll start shipping specially equipped computers to Arkansas and Texas that will boot straight into AOLOS, and then automatically connect to the internet, then we can all rejoice because another 5% of the lowest common denominator has been added to the list of idiots with "screen names" like "johnsmith846723" who can barely speak, much less type. But they won't have to type, thanks to the redneck voice recognition software installed on these systems. So when johnsmith846723 says "gimme that thar chat winder again", the system will automatically bring up every chat system known to man, connect him to every channel and room, and send these words to everyone on the net: "WCW kicks ass, it's way beter than that WWF garbage. all them WWF peeple are fake wrasslin"

Concerted Effort

Party over here.
Party over there.
Party over here.
Party over there.
Now just the ladies.
Now the back row.
Now the front.
Good night, Seattle.

Happy Cinco De Mayo!

YAY!!!! People the world over are rejoicing now. For now we celebrate Cinco De Mayo, which is apparently a celebration of the fact that it is the fifth of May. Kinda like celebrating the fourth of July, only you aren't celebrating the fourth of July - you celebrate Independence day, which falls on July 4. I know lots of people who celebrate the fourth of July, rather than Independence day. These are the same people who pronounce Illinois with an "S" at the end and think Jesus was an American. I propose a new holiday: Lost Day. We would celebrate Lost Day at midnight on February 28 - a lot like we do for New Years now. Then, on leap years, we could have a big day long celebration, since we found the day we had been missing. I really think people would get behind this, I mean, it's a really good reason to stay home from work and get drunk. Maybe we could declare March 1 "Hangover Day" or something.

Grapples!

Apples and Gravy, together at last! Grapples are located in your grocer's meat section.

Must....play....the....sims.....

I just had a thought. Yup. All by myself. A whole thought. Oh.... you wanna hear it? Oh, ok.
So, I was thinking that if some evil overlord wanted to take over the U.S., he should just buy enough computers for everybody and install the sims on every one of them. Seriously, once that was done, we'd all be addicted and mr. evil overlord could just walk into the white house and declare himself king of the United States. What I find interesting is that the sims is incredibly addictive, but it is essentially a life simulator.
I mean, people are playing this game for hours and hours, pretending to interact with their families and friends, instead of ACTUALLY interacting with their families and friends. Do we suck that bad? Are we as a people just so boring and idiotic that we'd rather play with a virtual family instead of a real one? of course, when your real family pisses you off, you can't wall them into a bedroom until they die...... or can you? I've seen houses uploaded on various websites with the description "this is my house". People are simulating their homes in a simulation of their lives while they sit in their real homes missing their real lives. Am I the only one who sees the gargantuan steaming piles of irony here? And there is another problem - even worse than the sims: When I mentioned the evil overlord, I said "he", and I bet nobody noticed. if I'd have said "she", everybody would have been upset because I'm a sexist. and it doesn't even occur to you that there could be female evil overlords... hell, look at cruella de vil, or the wicked witch of the west. What I'm really trying to say is.... hey look - it's my sims cd.... so nice and shiny..... I could probably just play for a little while. yeah, that'd be alright. Just a while......

damn'em addendum

I forgot to mention the OTHER purple reptile that predates barney....
Dino. The lovable pet dinosaur from the Flintstones. I always wondered why Dino was the only dinosaur that couldn't talk.

Ce n'est pas un sujet

This is not a post. This is a figment of your imagination, speaking of figments, that makes two purple reptiles that predate Barney. Figment was a little purple dragon at disneyworld©, the happiest place on earth, no guns, smoking, alcohol, whoring, drug-taking, partying-down, cursing, spitting, happiness, or pets.

The Urinal Wars

I just had a neat thought. what if earth went to war with an alien race because they looked like urinals? you know, they show up, all diplomatic then, while the leader is meeting with the president - some tourist pisses on an elite guard.
"... that's right, Jim, and if you can see what is going on behind me - the aliens seem to be bombarding the planet with some type of small white disc. They have a clean, chemical smell to them, and they look like large asprins except- wait -something is happening..... PISS!!! THEY ARE URINATING ON EVERYTHING!!!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!"

Here in my car I feel safest of all

For the past month or so, I've had these visions of car wrecks with Gary Numan's "cars" playing in the background... weird, huh?

I tried to write a poem from the deep depths of my heart
but the only word I can think of that rhymes with heart is fart

I'm trying to come up with the ultimate country song...
I was thinking of something along the lines of:
"my wife ran off with my best friend, stole my truck, and backed over my dog on her way out of the driveway.
so now I'm sitting in this bar, drunk, spending my last 876 million dollars that I got from all you poor depressed suckers who bought my last album,
in which, my wife ran off with 7 different people, my dog, and a parking meter. and my best friend got ran over by a tractor being driven by his wife, who had caught him cheating with her sister.
now I'm so sad that it makes me want to repeat some cheesy broken-heart lyric over and over again until all of you buy this album. maybe the lyric will be -
I'm stuck out of love, drunk, with a dead dog and no truck"

Topics are good topics.

I think I've decided to start adding a topic to the top of each post. Makes it look a little more pro-am, instead of the am-am it was, which is just silly - seeing as how there really is no am-am web league. Oh hell, now I've gone and mentioned the web league. Now I'll have to kill you all.

and now a haiku:

poor little puppy
running so fast down the hall
give back my sandwich

Infectious wearables Not as bad as it sounds. they sell ties and boxers with pictures of disease on them. I'm pretty sure they aren't actually infectious, but you oughta wash them first just to make sure. The proceeds go towards finding cures, although I doubt the proceeds from the plague tie will go towards curing the plague. The HIV boxers might not be the best thing to have on when you take a date home.... "hey, what's that on your boxers?" "well.... HIV" "oh.... I think I oughta get going."

This Planet Earth NASA rocks. this site has a bunch of videos made from satellite imagery zooming into various cities. I saw the washington, d.c. one, and it zooms from space all the way to what I think is the white house, all seamlessly. Neat stuff.

QUOTE
"It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity. I bet this kind of thing does not happen to heroin addicts. I bet that when serious addicts go to purchase their heroin, they do not tolerate waiting in line while some dilettante in front of them orders a hazelnut smack-a-cino with cinnamon sprinkles." - Dave Barry
END QUOTE

So, I noticed a while back that Menudo (the eternal boy band) changed their name to mdo. I can only assume that someone finally told them what menudo is...
"So Menudo is getting ready to record another album, and-"
"uh, hey man - I need to tell you something about the name of the band...(whispering)"
"....uh huh.....yeah.....they make it out of tripe?!?!?!?!"

The following post will be in canadian as well as english.
The following post will be in canuck as well as english - eh?

sorry about the lack of posts. I just noticed that it's been about a month since I last posted.
soory aboot the lack of posts, eh? I just noticed that it's been aboot a month since I last posted, there - eh?
The End Of The Internet. At least somebody put up a warning - I might have fallen off the edge.
The End Of The Internet there, buddy Eh? I missed what happened - I stepped in some moose dookie.
File Not Found. It takes a while for the story to unfold, but it's well worth the wait. Hands down THE best 404 error I've ever seen.
Soory, I couldn't find it. I think that-uh, somebody stole my webpage there, eh?

So, there are a couple of links for you. oh, and about the canadian translation - I just thought I might help a few people out. learning by association works pretty well - I learned Moron that way.
Soo, there are a couple a links for you there, eh? oh, and aboot the canadian translation - eh? hey! we speak the same language there, bucko - eh?

The Cynic's Sanctuary Oh, sweet cynicism.

I wake up screaming in the middle of the night. It's happening again. I thought I could control it, but some things just can't be controlled. All the medications, all the counseling, all worthless to me know, as I slip into madness again. I can't make it go away, I can't turn it down, it keeps echoing thru my head. It keeps getting stronger and stronger, and the more I try to fight it - the worse it gets. The haunting melody begins, then the voices...... "........they're a page right out of his-to-reee." damn you bedrock, damn you to hell.

I'm a damned tech junkie. I really love new fangled tech toys that I will never have a use for and will never be able to afford. Example: I think those 50 inch plasma tv's are the coolest thing since - well, since the tv. I don't really watch that much tv, and I can't exactly buy one, since they run about 25 grand and I don't currently have a job. But I want one soooooo bad. I also think it would be neat to have one of those 4 thousand dollar laptops to play the sims on at the local truckstop. yeah, I want an 800mhz laptop computer, with 128 megs or more of ram, 20 or so gigs of hard drive space, and I would spend my time playing mp3's wth it and playing games. Now, any gadget can be cool and "must have", but to truly rock, it's gotta have a useless remote. Like those car stereos with a little tiny remote control, even though you are never going to be more then 2 feet from the damn thing. I want remote controls for everything I own. I want a toaster with no external controls. Yeah.... My toaster could have a usb cable on it, and I could bring up the toaster control panel (toaster.cpl) to make toast. Or if I prefer, I could use the 2.4ghz remote, and make toast from a mile away. This would all be pointless, since I'd still have to go load bread into the toaster, but I would still show it off to all my friends. Actually, I want one of those whole house control things, except with the functionality of the fantasy toaster i just mentioned. I want to be sitting in front of the computer, pick up a bigass remote with an lcd touch screen or fire up a program, and make toast, record a rerun of "newsradio", let the dog outside, fire up the stereo to play some fear factory, fire a warning shot at the zealot passing out flyers at my front door, warm up my car, pet the cat, get the newspaper, call a friend and make plans to go somewhere, celebrate the chinese new year, donate 1 dollar to the "shut sally struthers the hell up" foundation, scratch my balls, clean the toilet, and scratch my balls again for good measure - all from the comfort of my heated, massaging, sound system having, fridge having chair.

Man, I have got to do something about all these people driving thru my yard. I mean, I thought living on the interstate would be neat, but it's just getting to be a hassle - what with having to put on that orange vest and run across 6 lanes of traffic to check my mail, which is usually just a bill or one of those damned asphalt roofing tiles. I wish I knew who kept sending me roofing tiles. I did get enough to redo the roof on my toolshed, but I still think somebody is trying to move in or something. Actually, I was thinking it might be this old friend of mine stealing someone's house again, and trying to us eme to cover his tracks. he used to do this all the time, but he used to always send the chunks of wall and stuff to his mom, and then she'd repaint them and pile them up in the backyard, and he'd get back and go take all the chunks and sell them to somebody. He made a nice living, but I just think it would be too much work. Anyway, he's gonna have a hole in his roof 'cause I'm keeping those tiles I redid the roof of my toolshed with.

Lately, two questions have been racing thru my head:
'Why do I feel the need to set my head on fire at family reunions?' and
'Did I build that hedge maze out front just to piss off the mailman?'
No answers seem to be in sight. At least I've got my sanity. And my army of lawn gnomes. Oh, and those neato pieces of that guy's fence that look just like the top of a cherry pie. I wonder why he won't let me mow his yard anymore?
They say idle hands do the devil's work. what about hands holding a bloody chainsaw in a nursing home? what kind of work are they doing?
Hey, If I got shot 30,000 times, would I be a tragedy? I mean, when one person dies, the news doesn't seem to care as much as when somebody kills off a whole big group of people. So if I was to get kshot enough times to kill a whole herd of people, would I qualify as a tragedy? What if I made up a new religion right before I got killed? would I be a martyr then? I think it would be neat to be a martyr, it's just that I don't really like the idea of having to be dead first - I couldn't enjoy it if I was dead.

I was thinking of naming my blog Gordon or something. I could be like 'Gordon Blog, meet Twilight Jones. Twilight will be making the blood vessels in people's heads explode - with your help.'

Warning: This Page contains both secure and insecure elements - do you give a shit? An error has occured in line 9842, char 746 - do you want to run a debugger that will further break the page? Notice: there is a syntax error on line 14, char 27. expected 'proper syntax', got 'improper syntax'. Peligro: one error was found on this page. Microsoft Internet Explorer will now reformat the page to contain more, and possibly cause a slew of those ugly 16 bit errors when it pukes, taking your shell down with it, since your shell and Microsoft Internet Expoder are one and the same. Also note that you will probably have to reset your system, since only explorer holds the secret to correctly shutting down. GDI.exe, msgsrv32, and rundll will likely fall over as well, causing what we at Microsoft call 'the domino effect', or 'up-shit-creek-sans-paddle mode', wherein you will see many variations of the ever-popular blue screen of death and disfigurement, which will be hiding self-propagating error messages, which of course, will end up crashing some module or kicking your physical memory in just the right spot so as to cause Microsoft Windows to spew forth more blue screens of rape and pillaging. Caution: since Microsoft Internet Exploiter and Explorer.exe are linked at the hip, any further crashes in any program will likely cause Microsoft Internet Extorter to die a violent death and killing half of your programs as it thrashes towards the land of memory leakage, which of course will either crash the shell or cause enough crappage to force you to reboot, because we on the Windows team think rebooting is the right thing to do, regardless of what you think. Go Ahead and reboot now and get it over with? (Yes) (OK) Alert: Microsoft Windows will probably go ahead and reboot into safe mode, or maybe just reboot again, just to be extra safe.

Is it ever really Tuesday? Is Tuesday just a relative term? what if some aliens came to earth and thought us to be savages because we use this wildly inaccurate and archaic system for measuring time?
I just noticed that my last two posts invloved getting pants damp, so I'll just go ahead and make it a hat trick:

Damn, I should have rolled up my cuffs before we walked across that gigantic sponge.

you know, I'm pretty sure the person that invented the toilet paper holder knew which way the free end was supposed to hang.
So like, I was reading about lake vostok, which is this lake under 2 miles of ice near the south pole, and I got to thinking "why do we even care about other planets when we haven't got this one figured out yet?"
I am just in deep thought mode here.
I was thinking about making some new team members (who would still be me) to post different things, but that would be kind of a hassle, so forget it.
If I took advantage of those little buttons at the top of the 'edit your blog' screen and started using excessive bold italicized hyperlinks, would that annoy anbody? wHaT aBOUt mIxeD CaPS? or I could be all 3733t and use hacker-speak so 1/10 of 1% of the people could read it. or I could just use latin. or spanish, but I don;t know much spanish. I know prostituta, amplificador, gordo, burrito supreme.... I want to learn how to say "Excuse me, do you speak spanish?" in spanish, and then go to mexico and annoy people.

I almost wet myself when I saw This

Damnation, I need to proofread these things before I post.
Hey, it was valentine's day a while back. like I care. Valentine's day is one of those pure commercial holidays that has long since lost all of it's original meaning. Christmas has almost lost it, but there are still people who celebrate it for the reason it was intended. much like Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is not a holiday where we give thanks to turkey farmers.
I wonder what the mexican guys from the line in the outlaw army scene in blazing saddles are doing now... "Adult diapers? We don't need no steeenking adult diapers!... well, yeah, probably we do."
Hey, why do beaches make otherwise unspeakable things OK to put on tv? Viagra commercials show a guy (Dole, usually) walking on a beach. Summer's eve: beach. Tampax: beach. If erectile disfunction/feminine hygeine are so icky, what makes you think somebody walking on a beach makes it less icky? the message is the same: "Here I am, walking on this beach and, thanks to Viagra, I can lay it to the old wife again."
"Thanks to tampax, I'm not attracting sharks up onto the sand and ruining my pants." Beaches and flowers. Walking thru a field of flowers is ok, too. and tennis. play lots of tennis and it's ok to talk about your malfunctioning peepee or your aunt flo.
This is the face of erectile disfunction: :-/

If men got pregnant there would be a lot more c-sections.
MC Hawking. Somebody has been using that text-to-speech thingie to make raps as Stephen Hawking.

Well, I've been on that there internet for a coon's age, and I've seen many things, some of which were quite entertaining, some of which would make a 60 year old tranvestite stripper cough up her 4th tequila and semen cocktail. Through all my journeying, however, I've found that there is one truth to the internet - one constant. One thing that we all need to see as the horrible problem it is, and that we must rise up to stop:

It's "YOUR", as in "Maybe a dingo ate your baby.", and "YOU'RE", as in "There's a party in my pants, and you're all invited."

I cannot stress this enough. We as a society need to find all instances of this travesty, and squash it. We must rise up as one and find all those who propagate this abuse of the english language. Did we not take english class? Are we to the point where we can no longer distinguish between "your" and "you are"? I've been to all corners of this, the world wide web. I've seen the dark offramps and gutters lining the information superhighway, and this one thing keeps attacking. It's worse than any virus, it's more infectious than the hampster dance (or hamster, if you want to be snooty and spell it right). So many times I've seen an otherwise hopeful webpage throw itself away by using phrases such as "Welcom to my webpage, your welcome to look around, but I created theses pages, so don't take whats not you'res". Now the lack of the apostrophe I can deal with, but the extra one? Why? What caused you to add the extra punctuation, when you had previously omitted it? The only answer is sheer, blinding, painful stupidity. I know I don't use proper punctuation, and my grammar leaves much to be desired - but it's my style of writing. I write this way because I can express myself more efficiently this way. Saying "your" where you should have said "you're" is just wrong. "you're" instead of "your" is worse. "your'e" or "yo'ure" is just wrong regardless.

And now, some offensive rap lyrics:
"Tell your girl to stop changing her lipstick - I'm starting to get rainbows around my dick."
"Face down, ass up - That's the way we likes to fuck."
"...and when I'm finished, there's gonna be a bloodbath of cops dying in L.A.. Yo dre, I got something to say: Fuck the police"

Soapboxers Of The World: Shut Up.

So, I'm watching the superbowl, and I see like 3 or 4 ads from some group whose goal is apparently to make sure you never take another drag off another cigarette, ever. the ads featured people who had lost loved ones or had some various nasty diseases all because they smoked. There was also a commercial where n*sync showed up at some guy's house and thanked him for not letting his kids drink. I take issue with these "Sopaboxers", these people who use every oppoutunity to climb on a soapbox, to force their opinions down your throat, who will spend millions of dollars to get a commercial on the superbowl to preach anti-smoking and anti-drinking ideals to a bunch of drunk people with a pack of smokes in their pockets. I have an idea, a solution for all these soapboxers that will make everyone happy -SHUT THE HELL UP! Easy, wasn't it? If you want to influence people, put a sign up in your yard, stand on a corner near the hospital with a sign, hold a conference or a meeting where you can show people what you want to show them. Holding up pictures of dead babies in front of the clinic is only going to offend - not influence - anyone. if someone is on their way to have an abortion, or on their way into the store to buy beer, or already drunk - you've lost them, they aren't going to listen to you - go somewhere else. Of course, if you are dedicated enough to your cause to go forth and try to "Educate" (or "force your opinions down the throats of") the people, you are dedicated enough to not listen to a word I'm saying. because I am not of your cause, I am in the wrong, I am only trying to sway you from the right and true cause which you are crusading for, blocking people's paths for, killing people for, being a callous ass for, annoying and offending everyone for.

In case you haven't noticed, I have very strong opinions about having your own opinions - let me restate that - I encourage you to have your own opinions on everything, don't let other people tell you what you should think, and don't tell other people what you think they should think. If your opinion is the right one, other people will come to have the same opinion as you - all on their own. I don't wear my seatbelt. I don't wear it, not because "it's uncomfortable" or "it messes up my clothes" or anything like that. I don't wear it because I can't stand the fact that I am legally compelled to wear it - I am being forced to make myself safe. If it wasn't a law, I'd be fine with it, and I might wear it. I stop at stoplights, I use my turn signal, why not the seatbelt? Because those other things make *everyone* safe - those are things that are right, and that need to be done to ensure the safety of others on the road. The seatbelt, however, protects only me. Why should I have to be safe? If I want to "live on the edge", it should be my right to do so.

Death Notice. Music was found dead on the 50 yard line of Raymond James Stadium in Tampa, Florida on Sunday. Time of death was around 8 pm, 7 central. Cause of death is believed to be a fatal mixing of genres, combined with an overdose of commercialization. Music had spent most of it's life in high spirits, but it started on a downward spiral when Fred Durst performed with Christina Aguilara during an awards show last year. Music was reported to have gone to it's home in Cleveland and freebased vanilla ice that night. the problems continued until tonight, where music met it's demise at Superbowl XXXV. During the opening ceremonies, the backstreet boys overpowered a healthy injection of Ray Charles by butchering the national anthem. Then, during the Mtv produced halftime show, Music suffered a fatal heart attack during the performance of Aerosmith, N*Sync, Britney Spears, Mary J Blige, and Nelly. Apparently, all the artists performing "Walk this Way", an old Aerosmith favorite, simultaneously, was enough to cause total pulmonary failure. Music is survived by Sculpture, Poetry, Painting, Theater, and Dance. Music will be mourned by all those who loved it. Memorial services will be held at the rock and roll hall of fame museum in Cleveland.

They say the heart of rock and roll is still beating, and from what I've seen, they couldn't be more wrong.

Quick question:
would you rather be addicted to heroin or crack? I mean, if you aren't already addicted to one of them (since that would bias you), and if you for some reason absolutely had to be addicted to one of them, which one would it be? I think I'd go for crack. Why crack? Well, for one thing, you get the neato pipe instead of that boring old syringe and rubber tubing - and crack is easy to transport. You can even send Virtual Crack to yourself thru email. Well, you're supposed to send it to other people, but why do that when you can be your own pusher?

Hey, did you ever wake up in the middle of the night, screaming "OH MY GOD! IS ABE VIGODA STILL ALIVE???!?!?!?!"? well, if you do, you seriously need some medicinal assistance, and maybe a long vacation to the nutbar inn - HOWEVER, while you wait on those nice young men in their clean white coats, you can go HERE to check up on ol' Abe.

Hey, just what I've always wanted! Coffins! I think if I was going to spend 500 bucks on a coffee table, I'd get one of those coffins and put some flowers on it, then like go find a dead cat or something to put in it, and then I could scare everybody off when I wanted to open it. I think I'd have to throw some fresh earth around it to make it more convincing.

Ok, I like loud music as much as the next headbanging metal fiend, but at some point it just becomes silly. beyond the obvious hilarity of this thing, you have to think for a second "wait, there are several thousand dollars woth of speakers back there - and they all point towards each other when the doors are shut." I'm sure that sounds wonderful once you get all those big speakers in ther together with no place for the sound to go. It must sound just like wrapping your headphones in a towel and throwing them into a pool.... You should also check out this travesty and keep saying to yourself "they did this on purpose, and they aren't in a circus or a parade or anything..." Like a minivan needed any help being ugly.

Primus, they don't sound like anybody.
There are so few bands that you can say that about. how many bands sound like some other band? most of them. Not Primus, though. Primus sounds like.... Primus. That makes it tough to describe them to somebody who hasn't heard them. it's like trying to describe blue to somebody who has been blind from birth. Primus is quirky, funny, rock, alternative, almost bluegrass sometimes.... they like fishing and Tom Waits, lots of their songs tell a story, usually of one odd person. And Les Claypool can play the hell out of that bass. I've never heard anybody that can do some of the stuff that Les can do for 8 minutes while singing the (also challenging) lyrics to "tommy the cat" live.Were I forced to make a list of my 5 favorite bands, Primus would be right up there at or near the top.
Ok, so, more links now.
SmellyPoop Now if you really don;t like somebody, you can send fresh feces to them via this wonderful little site. I'd go for the camel poo, myself, that stuff has got to be nasty.
Not the best idea we as a people have had. Seems that people down under are shoving their poop in each other's poop chutes in order to fix poop-related ailments. Myself, I'd rather just deal with irritable bowels. I could just get them to switch to decaf or something.
Rotten Just plain wrong. be sure to browse the "fuck of the month".
Boy, I really hope my family never gets a look at my bookmarks... They would be absoultely horrified.
Why does adding the word "monkey" to something make it funnier? I mean, "ass" isn't really a funny word, but "assmonkey" is giggle-inducing. I also like "monkeyfucker". "stumpfucker", while not containing "monkey", is quite funny. At least that's what I think. But then again, I'm a big ol' freak with the bookmark folder from hell.

A dissertation on cheese:

Cheese. Cheese is always shown in commercials streaming out of every gooey orifice of the hamburger/taco/pizza in an attempt to make you want the product more. If you were to eat this product, with its vast rivers of cheese all oozing and stretchy, you would most certainly burn the piss out of your mouth. So why the need to use a potentially hazardous product to sell food? Easy, gooey cheese=tasty food. The ad people figured out this equation some time ago. They know that even though cheese at 700 degrees farenheit is not something anyone wants in their mouths, cheese at 700 degrees farenheit LOOKS very appetizing, and makes the host food look better by proxy - flavor by association. I propose we as a society start to like cold cheese. I enjoy seeing a taco with the cheese just starting to melt, and, having delivered pizza for a while, I know that molten cheese is not only dangerous - it makes the food less attractive by allowing the other ingredients to slide around in seas of cheese. so, rather than sailing the seas of cheese (primus references notwithstanding), rather let us salivate to *slightly* gooey cheese, or cold cheese.

I'm so bright, my daddy called me "sun".
my future's so bright, I gotta wear shades.
I wear my sunglasses at night - so I can see.
I am not a random link.
Neither am I.
I am kinda random, but not TOO random or anything, just kinda confused.
I'm not really random, but I am totally wacked out.
You're so vain, I'll bet you think this link is about you.

Did you ever notice that the waitress always comes to the table during the worst part of any conversation?
"...and here I am with my fist up this horse's ass, being chased by the cuban national baseball team, and on the fbi's most wanted list - and all because I bought mustard instead of ketchup! Oh, hey, I could use some more coffee, thanks."
"...so now I have to smoke crack so my girlfriend won't break up with me, and I was thinking of doing heroin too, just to be safe. Yeah, I think we're ready to order now."

Of course, the conversations at the tables I sit at tend to get a little..... off color. And by off color, I mean that both of those statements might actually end up being made at a table I sit at. Here's a cool thing you can do: act like you were in the middle of the worst possible conversation when the waitress walks up. "Yeah, I was thinking of calling in sick today, but I figured I had to go so I could pay my electric- hold on, here she comes.... so I said 'thanks but no thanks, Mr. Castro, I'd rather not be raped by a dictator today' so he got all pissed, and he grabs for the rifle, but he misses and grabs the strap on and- oh, can I get a refill here? thanks."
Actually, the waitresses at the places I frequent expect that from me and my circle of friends. if the waitress walked up and heard "...my electric bill, plus the landlord was bitching about the rent today", she'd get freaked out.
RANDOM LINK IN BAD TASTE You can watch webcasts of actual funerals at that site. It's so you can watch your grandma's funeral while still being a pathetic shut-in who lives in the glow of a computer screen, just like me.

Everything I know, I learned by killing smart people and eating their brains

hey, go listen to "mope" by the bloodhound gang.
following is my favorite part of the song. (my favorite part of any song so far):

(song stops)
Pac-Man: "yo yo yo yo yo! What it is motherfuckers?"
band: "Aw shit, here comes Pac-Man." "Hey Pac-Man, what's up?"
Pac-Man: "ME you bitches! I'm high on crack! Wanna freebase?"
band: "No Pac-Man - Drugs are bad!" "Nope, can't help you man."
Pac-Man: "PUSSIES!" (sounds of someone taking a hit) WHOA! HOLY SHIT!
(music is the Pac-Man theme over a drumline)
(song resumes)

I also feel the need to quote Pantera now. Actually, I think I need to go to church, stand up in front of the choir, and sing this over the p.a.

Pantera, "Good Friends and a Bottle of Pills"
(mostly spoken, with a nasty "i fucked your girlfriend last night" kind of drawl to it)

I fucked your girlfriend last night.
While you snored and drooled, I fucked your love.
She called me daddy and I called her baby when I smacked her ass.
I called her sugar when I ate her alive till daylight.
And I slept with her all over me, from forehead to ribcage I dripped her ass.
Sometimes I thought you might be spying, living out some brash fantasy, but no. You were knocked out.
But we were all knocked out you know. In a way
I serve too many masters.
We didn't know you'd break the bottle that the magic came in to use those jagged shards to slit our wrists and neck. And you'd do it too, you're that kind of dude.
But you wouldn't know what you were doing because I didn't, your girlfriend could have been a burn victim, an amputee, a dead body -
But god damn I wanted to fuck.
I'm serving too many fucking masters.
I told you. I told you motherfucker

Music I enjoy: Heavy Metal, Old School Rap (mostly early "gangsta" rap), Neo-Metal type stuff (like korn, system of a down, orgy, stuff like that) Primus (because they don't really fit anywhere else), the occasional hardcore techno-esque song (Aphex Twin's "Come To Daddy" was genius). I have a dark past. I used to listen to pop rap. Yup. I who worship Nine Inch Nails and the Beastie Boys, once owned two tapes by marky mark and the funky bunch. I also had vanilla ice's first album, and I was way into the fat boys. I'm over that now (thank {your deity here}), but I have a new vice - Cover songs. I don't know what it is, but I really love it when a group takes a classic song and perverts it just the right way. Marilyn Manson's "Sweet Dreams" and "I put a spell on you", The Mighty Mighty Bosstones "Detroit Rock City" and "Enter Sandman" (and I don't even like the bosstones. at all), anything like that, I love it.
Music I DO NOT enjoy: teeny pop, country, whiny alternative garbage. pretty much anything written before 1980 (and most of what was written in the 80s), manufactured bands (like n*stync, backdoor boys, and the countless other new kids/menudo clones) britney spears (both personally and musically - I hope she gets attacked by killer bees and stumbles into traffic, where she would be run over by christina aguilera's tour bus, which would then careen off a cliff, exploding in a glorious fireball upon impact with the cold hard ground.) christina aguilera (she learned spanish so she could record a spanish language album because she wanted to be true to her roots. her roots are in new england) and I'm not too fond of the elevator music crap that people like enya keep oozing all over us. ok, feeling better now. I got some rare old anthrax off napster (gives finger to "The Man") so I'm great. Speaking of napster, it's nice to see the true artists coming out in favor of napster. most artists are pretty neutral on napster (the "who gives a shit?" attitude is cool), some are really pissed off about napster (not to name any names *COUGH*metallica*COUGH*), and are trying to get it banned. those artists are money hungry, and not interested in making music for the sake of making music. and then there are some artists (Like prince and rage against the machine and chuck d and offspring and limp bizkit) who actually like napster, and encourage it's use. rage against the machine's management actually banned some users, so RATM apologized by offering a bunch of cool music on their website (to make up for some of their fans being denied the music they wanted). uh, what was I talking about?.... To Hell with it, I'm finished. (gives another finger to "The Man" just for fun)

yeah right, like I'm gonna fall for the old "I just shot a cop and you gotta help me hide the body" routine again.
I think Phenol would be a good name for a band.
So a mushroom walks into a bar, and the bartender says "get outta here, we don't serve your kind in here". and the mushroom goes "aww, come on - I'm really a fun-gi once you get to know me." (nyuk nyuk nyuk)
I don't mean to influence anybody here, but go buy Homeworld: Cataclysm right now. Go ahead, I'll wait. and while you're gone I'll steal your stuff and blame it on your little brother. seriously, I'm not a fan of space sims, I have owned 3 of them total in my life (freespace, freespace 2, and now cataclysm), but this game rules. When I first encountered the beast, I got all tense and sweaty. The beast is a biomechanical virus that infects your ships and makes them try to destroy you, and all larger ships carry weapons that can infect a whole squadron of your ships from weapons range. cool stuff, deep story, neato cutscenes (they are in black and white and look almost like cartoons), and lots of big nasty weapons, like the almighty siege cannon, which can vaporize capital shops from several K away. Anyway, go buy it. Right now. don't worry, it'll run on a 266 with a 4 meg video card.

I now present you with a picture of a hamburger.
you know you have too much time on your hands when...
Are you Amish? Yes? Then shame on you for being on a computer, but since you are commiting this atrocity anyway, you may as well buy a new churn here.
I was reading the "about" part of that website, and it said "many of our customers live 'off the grid'", and went on to talk about non-electric appliances. soooo.... if you don't have power, how are you supposed to be getting to this website? is the computer hooked up to your windmill? Maybe carrier pigeon for the data transfers?
Something to think about: Do you know why there aren't any klan rallies in China? (besides the obvious) Answer - because they would get run over by tanks. We Americans are weenies about that kinda stuff. If I was in charge, I would have a special branch of the army just for running klan members over with tanks. them and all those people that buy tickets to concerts so they can protest the artist. I got two words for you: STAY HOME!!! you know, I *really* hate country music. I consider country music to be the devil's music (The devil is the father of lies - would he send his message thru evil music? Nope. It would be on a garth brooks record.)
but I don't own any country albums, and I don't go to country concerts. Why? Because I hate country music, of course.Obvious, isn't it? Not to everybody, it would seem. There are people who buy marilyn manson cd's just so they can analyze the lyrics, and they go to concerts just to bitch and moan and hold up signs to a bunch of people who paid good money to see an artist they enjoy. Don't preach to the choir. Go stand outside the record store, and put your money back in your wallet. Before you buy the damned music, grab your signs. maybe somebody will see it, and it will influence them. "I think I might get that cd by that Marilyn Manson guy and see if I like it...hey, that guy doesn't seem to like manson very much. Hmm, maybe I'll get something by Judas Priest or Christian Death instead." See? Problem solved.
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hey, whoohoo. happy new year. I don't wanna sound like one of those mathie people, but it is actually the first day of the new millenium. 01-01-01. last night I went out in my driveway at about 10 til and stood there, in the freezing cold, in snow up to my ankles, watching people pop fireworks all over town. I *love* fireworks. I've been a firebug (pyromaniac, almost an arsonist) since I can rememeber. I burned the hair off my legs in a friend of mine's grandmother's garage when I was in 6th grade, I've had more fuse burns than I can count, I've been engulfed in waaaay too many fireballs, and I can sit for hours watching a fire dance on a pile of logs. So I just stood there, ignoring the cold, catching the occasional whiff of sulphur and black powder in the air, naming off the fireworks people were popping. ("Looks like one of those 2 dollar rockets, and that was a saturn missle battery. pretty nice floral shell...) It was kind of like time slowed down, and all was right with the world. Some guy across the street shot a pistol a few times, somebody down the block was shooting saturn missle batteries (those blocks with lots of tiny red rockets in them) at an angle, amd I was just standing there. In the cold. Like an idiot.